Transcript:The Silence of the Clamps
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|The Silence of the Clamps|
|Written by||Eric Rogers|
|Transcribed by||Sanfazer and Jasonbres|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: NO REFUNDS]
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, day.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, and Bender are sitting at the conference table. Professor Farnsworth approaches them with a package in his hands.]
Professor Farnsworth: Who likes good news? [All but Professor Farnsworth raise their hands.] Everyone. [The camera zooms in on Professor Farnsworth, revealing that the package that he is holding is labelled RUSH.] Then good news, everyone! Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous, outer-space planet. It's to Earth!
Fry: Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. [Fry leans back in his chair and falls off it.] Ow! Quit it, Earth.
- [Leela stands up and grabs the package.]
Leela: We won't even have to leave New New York! The package is going to Long Long Island.
- [Professor Farnsworth removes the package from Leela's hands.]
Professor Farnsworth: Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style villa of the Donbot.
Bender: The Donbot?! [Professor Farnsworth turns to Bender.] The vicious Robot gangster?! [Bender removes the package from Professor Farnsworth's hands.] I'd better use my special Robot vision to see what's inside. [Bender zooms in with his eyes towards the package, perforating it, and then removes them, revealing them to be holding a pair of clamps.] It looks like a pair of clamps!
- [Cut to: Rusty clamp. It clamps twice. The camera zooms out, revealing it to belong to Clamps. The Masked Unit, Calculon, and two other Robots are present as well.]
Clamps: When are those new clamps gonna get here? [Clamps looks at the clamp and it clamps again.] These are all rusted-out with snitch juice!
- [Clamps looks at a second clamp, which, too, is rusty, and it also clamps. He is sitting at a white chair in a Mafia-style villa, in front of a red house. Several Humans and Robots, such as the Robot Devil, Humorbot 5.0, Mayor Poopenmeyer, Fanny, Calculon, the Donbot, and Joey Mousepad, are there as well.]
Donbot: Patience, Clamps. [Clamps looks at the Donbot.] It is my eldest daughter's wedding day. [Joey Mousepad looks at the Donbot.] You don't want the Space Pope to see a clampin' now, do ya?
Clamps: Aw, jeez. I forgot my Pope manners.
- [Clamps looks sorry and crosses himself twice.]
- [Scene: Long Long Island garden. The Space Pope, the Donbot's eldest daughter, and her fiancé are standing on an altar in front of a group of guests including the people seen earlier. Behind them are fourteen wedding tables and the red house. A cello Robot is playing itself.]
- [Time lapse. Three other fembots and three other manbots are now standing on the altar too.]
Space Pope: Dearly beloved, [quickly] it is with great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- [The Donbot's eldest daughter and her husband kiss. The cello Robot is playing itself next to three violin Robots, which are identical to each other, and they are also playing themselves. A strong wind attacks the guests, among whom Glab is now shown, and causes the Space Pope to lose his hat. The people gasp. The wind is being made by the landing Planet Express ship.]
Donbot: What the—
- [Scene: Long Long Island parking lot. Joey Mousepad opens the gate to Leela, Bender, and Fry. Leela is holding the RUSH package.]
Joey Mousepad: May I help you with some assistance?
Leela: Delivery for... [Leela looks at the envelope on the package.] Francis X. Clampazzo?
Joey Mousepad: We don't got nobody here by that alias.
- [Joey Mousepad shrugs.]
Clamps: [off camera] Hey! Hey! That's me. [Joey Mousepad and Leela look at Clamps, who is still off camera.] Are those my new clamps?
Joey Mousepad: Your name's Francis?
- [Joey Mousepad laughs. Leela grabs a pad sustained by the package and hands it to Joey Mousepad. Joey Mousepad signs the delivery. Bender is peeking out at the garden through the gate.]
Bender: Guys, look. It's Calculon. And the Robot Devil! [The Robot Devil and Calculon are drinking by a bar.] And an open bar! [The Robot Devil and Calculon make a toast.] What's not to sneak into?
- [Now holding the package, Joey Mousepad closes the gate and leaves. Leela turns to Bender, looking disapprovingly at him.]
Leela: Bender, you can't crash a mob wedding.
Bender: You forget, Leela, I'm Bender, owner of disguise.
- [Scene: Long Long Island garden. The guests are sitting at the wedding tables. The Space Pope, Calculon, the Donbot's eldest daughter, her husband, two other Aliens, and two other Robots are standing up. All are looking at the Space Pope, who is holding a microphone.]
Space Pope: And now, ladies and gentlemen, my good friend... Calculon!
- [The Space Pope hands Calculon the microphone and leaves. A beat starts playing.]
Calculon: Hey, this one's for the new couple. [Calculon points at the Donbot's eldest daughter and her husband.] It's your day. It's all about you. [singing] Who's that singing at your wedding? It's Calculon! [Both Human and Robot women try to reach Calculon.] Calculon! [singing, extendedly] Calculon!
- [Cut to: In front of the red house. Bender walks by the tables wearing a jogging suit and gold chains with his antenna slicked back and points at the guests, among whom Billionaire Bot is now shown, randomly.]
Bender: Ay! Oh! Piscopo! [Bender takes a beer bottle from a waiter and points at Mayor Poopenmeyer, who is with the Queen of Yonkers.] This guy! [Bender stops walking, drinks from his bottle, sees the Donbot's eldest daughter, and gasps.] Bada-boing! [Bender's antenna slicks straight. Bender walks over the Donbot's eldest daughter. The Donbot's eldest daughter is dancing with her husband.] Hey, sexy. I'm Bender. What brings you to this tacky soirée?
Donbot's eldest daughter: I'm the bride!
Bender: Oops. [Bender slinks away and sees Fanny.] How 'bout you, baby? Wanna do it?
- [Fanny turns around as the camera zooms out, revealing that she is dancing with the Donbot.]
Fanny: Bender, it's me, Fanny!
Bender: You who?
Fanny: The Donbot's wife? We had an affair?
Bender: An affair, huh? Sounds like me. [Bender shrugs.] [to himself] Jeez, I'd better be a little more careful. I don't wanna hit on anybody I already had sex with.
- [A ringing sound gets Bender's attention. It is caused by the collision between the bell-shaped dress of one of the fembots from the altar and her legs. The camera zooms out as the fembot passes by Fanny and the Donbot.]
Fanny: [to the fembot] Hiya, Bella!
- [Bella waves.]
Bella: Hi, Mom!
- [Bella runs into Bender.]
Bender: What about you? You're my third choice.
- [Bella giggles and, as she nudges towards Bender, makes a deeper ringing sound.]
- [Scene: Outside the Long Long Island garden. The camera pans over to a barn labelled STABLES. A continuous ringing sound is coming from it.]
- [Cut to: Inside a closet in the Staples barn. Bender is now stripped of his jogging suit and chains. He and Bella are making love.]
Bella: Oh, Bender! This is all happening too slowly. Let's get married!
Bender: Quiet! I'm makin' out with a floozy! [Bender resumes making love, but hears a noise and stops suddenly.] Hold your clapper. Someone's comin'!
- [Cut to: Outside the closet. There is a sign reading SEA OATS. Bender peers from the door and sees Calculon being carried off by Clamps and Joey Mousepad. The Donbot follows them with the RUSH package in his hands. They stop under a sign reading DO NOT PUT SEAHORSES AWAY DRY. Clamps and Joey Mousepad push Calculon away. Calculon grunts.]
Calculon: Donbot, please. I'll pay you back as soon as you lend me some more money.
Donbot: Sorry, Calculon. It gives me no joy to do this... Because Clamps will be doin' it. [The Donbot opens the package and pulls out a pair of clamps.] Clamps, here are your new clamps.
- [Clamps lifts up his clamps, revealing that they are old and rusty.]
- [Clamps accepts his new clamps, replaces his old ones with them off camera, takes them for a spin, and looks at Calculon. Calculon cowers away.]
Calculon: No. No! [Clamps clamps with his left clamp. Calculon looks to his right.] Line? [Clamps clamps with his left clamp again. Bender is still peering from the door in shock as Clamps does his clamping silhouetted.] [off camera, extendedly, screaming] No!
- [Bella leans in.]
Bella: Yeah, Daddy hates welchers. The only thing he hates worse is witnesses... [Bender looks horrified.] [musical sting] And guys who mess around with his daughters...
- [Cut to: Inside the closet. Bender looks even more horrified and trembles.] [musical sting]
Bella: [continued] And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.
- [Bender opens his chest cabinet and takes out a pan of steaming hot meatballs, looking yet even more horrified.] [musical sting]
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, afternoon.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Bender walks around the room in stress. Fry, Leela, and Amy are sitting at the table and having lunch.]
Leela: How was the wedding, Bender?
Bender: Says who?! [shouting] I didn't witness anything!
Morbo: [off camera] In entertainment news, two-time Oscar-pool winner Calculon was brutally clamped yesterday by an unknown assailant.
- [Bender looks to his right. The television is showing Morbo host Channel v2 News. There is a photograph of Calculon hospitalised in the upper right corner. The television zooms in on it.]
Amy: Poor Calculon.
- [Bender shivers.]
Bender: [shouting] Alright, Amy, you win! [Bender turns to the table.] The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. [Bender begins crying, covering his eyes, and lays on the couch.] I'm scared and great at sex!
- [Leela walks up to the couch.]
Leela: Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.
- [Bender uncovers his eyes.]
Bender: What, and have the Mafia come after me too?! [Bender points at Leela.] No way! [Bender points up.] This secret goes to my grave!
Male voice: [off camera] The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a fifty-dollar reward.
- [Bender looks to his right. The television is showing a manbot who is wearing a fedora and a coat speak into three microphones in front of a building. The male voice is his.]
- [Scene: The building in front of which the manbot was speaking. Above the windows, a sign reads EARTH BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION. Below the tympanum, another sign reads J. EDGAR WINTER BUILDING. Two NNYPD hovercars are parked nearby.]
Bender: [off camera] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! And— And then Calculon said, "No. No!"
- [Cut to: Inside an office. The glass in the door reads AGENT ROBOT STACK backwards. The walls display a bulletin board, a coat hanger, and frames containing medals and diplomas. A file folder is on top of a filing cabinet with three drawers. The manbot, presumably named Robot Stack, is sitting at a desk, on which there is a voice recorder. Bender is in front of him, also sitting at the desk.]
Bender: [continued, extendedly] "No!" [in a normal tone] And, then, I ate some excellent meatballs. [Bender rubs his belly.] Can I have my fifty bucks now?
Robot Stack: I enjoyed your story. [Robot Stack presses a button on the voice recorder.] Especially the tasteful love scene. [Robot Stack stands up.] But it's not enough to convict the Donbot. You'll have to testify... In open court.
- [Robot Stack approaches Bender.]
Bender: No. No! Can I have another fifty dollars?
Robot Stack: No.
Robot Stack: No!
Bender: [extendedly] No!
- [Scene: Outside a courthouse, day. Below the tympanum, a sign reads BATTERY PARK INTEGRATED CIRCUIT COURT. A woman, Bender, a man, Gearshift, Boxy, and Monique head towards the door.]
- [Cut to: Inside a courtroom. The bailiff is standing up. At one desk are the Donbot and another manbot. At another desk is the Hyper-Chicken. Watching are, among others, Gearshift, the Donbot's eldest daughter, her husband, Bella, Fanny, Monique, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, Amy, and Zoidberg. The jury consists of, among others, Humorbot 5.0, the Masked Unit, and Boxy. A male, Robot judge with the number 723 on his chest enters.]
Bailiff: All rise for the honourable Judge 723.
- [All rise. Judge 723 arrives at his table and bangs his gavel three times.]
Judge 723: Be seated. Organised crime is a plague on our society and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during—
- [Judge 723 is shot in the head and falls down. An identical judge with the number 724 on his chest enters.]
Bailiff: All rise for the honourable Judge 724.
- [All rise. Judge 724 arrives at his table.]
Judge 724: Good day. I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate several, if not all, forms of intimidation during this trial. Prosecutor?
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution pecks for a mistrial on the grounds of jury tamperin'!
- [The Hyper-Chicken rises and Leela, Fry, and an old man look at him. He then points at the jury and Leela, Hermes, Fry, and others look at them. Joey Mousepad has opened the top of Fat-bot's head and is rewiring it with pliers and a soldering torch. The jury, among whom Hermaphrobot, the Chain Smoker, the hair Robot, and Hedonism Bot are now shown, look up to Joey Mousepad. Joey Mousepad looks up as well and hides the pliers and torch behind his back. The jury turn to look at Judge 724. Judge 724 turns to the right.]
Judge 724: Donbot?
Donbot: Motion denied.
Judge 724: Prosecutor, call your first witness.
- [The Hyper-Chicken rises.]
Hyper-Chicken: The people call our star witness Mr. X, whose appearance will be altered because he's in grave danger.
- [The bailiff presses a button on the wall and a curved mirror descends from the ceiling until it is just above the table to the left of Judge 724's. Bender ascends, sitting just in front of the mirror, and the image of his face is enlarged. Leela, Hermes, Fry, Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, Amy, and a group of old men gasp. The Hyper-Chicken clucks.]
Bella: [shouting] Bender, I've been looking for you! Which cake do you like better for our wedding?!
- [Bella lifts up two cakes. The first one has blue and yellow decorations. The second one has purple and pink decorations and Bender and Bella toppers.]
- [Bender screams.]
Bender: [quickly] Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! [The bailiff turns the mirror around and the image of Bender's face is diminished. Bender sighs.] That was close.
- [Bender turns to his right. The manbot seated next to the Donbot is wearing a yellow and red necktie.]
Yellow and red manbot: Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you were slandering this innocent Mafioso to distract from your own felonious past? [The yellow and red manbot walks up to Bender and points at him with his right hand.] Including the crime you made up yourself called burglarcenarsony?
- [Bender points at the yellow and red manbot with his left hand as he crosses his arms.]
Bender: That's a wholly-owned trademark of Rodríguez Crime Concepts Inc.! Besides, I'm not on trial here!
- [Bender crosses his arms. Judge 724 lifts up a sheet of paper.]
Judge 724: That's true. [Judge 724 turns to Bender.] You're on trial in courtroom three.
- [Judge 724 presses a button on his desk, making Bender's table turn around and show up in another courtroom. To his left is a female, Robot judge with the number 802 on her chest. They turn to each other at the same time.]
Judge 802: You are charged with two counts of burglarcenarsony. How do you plead?
- [Bender stands up and points up.]
Bender: Not inno-guilty-cent!
- [Bender presses the button on Judge 802's desk, making himself turn around and show up in the Donbot courtroom.]
- [Scene: Outside the courthouse. A Robot and two Humans are heading for the door, two other Humans are leaving, two other Humans are only standing up, and one other Human is sitting down.]
Bender: [off camera] And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon."
- [Cut to: Inside the Donbot courtroom.]
Bender: And then Calculon said, [extendedly] "No!"
Donbot: I think we've heard enough.
Bender: Wait, I'm not finished. Oh! [Bender crosses his arms.] Now I'm finished.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution roosts.
- [Leela, Hermes, Fry, Amy, and a group of men look at the Hyper-Chicken. The Hyper-Chicken clucks, closes his eyes, sits down, and covers his face. The jury, among whom Monique is now shown, return from the jury room. Judge 724 turns to them.]
Judge 724: Have you reached a verdict?
Hedonism Bot: Indeed. After a steamy twelve-way deliberation, we find the accused guilty as—
Calculon: [off camera] Wait! [Hedonism Bot is surprised. Calculon enters the courtroom wearing plaster casts and crutches and is followed by Joey Mousepad.] The Donbot is innocent!
- [All look at Calculon and gasp.]
Judge 724: Calculon, who is that escorting you?
- [Judge 724 points at Joey Mousepad. Joey Mousepad is alarmed and Calculon looks at him.]
Hedonism Bot: Yes. Who?
- [A group of men looks at Calculon in shock.]
Calculon: [hesitatingly] My personal trainer. [Calculon and Joey Mousepad begin walking.] And he's trained me to say that my wounds were self-inflicted. [Calculon and Joey Mousepad stop walking.] For, you see, [in an Italian accent] I'm a big Hollywood idiot dumb guy what does that sorta thing.
Joey Mousepad: Perfect.
- [Joey Mousepad slaps Calculon twice in a friendly manner. The jury murmur.]
Hedonism Bot: We find the Donbot...
Calculon: Dramatic pause...
Hedonism Bot: [happy, screaming] Not guilty!
- [All gasp.]
- [The curved mirror ascends, leaving Bender in plain sight. Bender quickly draws Fry's face on a sheet of paper and covers his own face with it. The sheet falls and Bender looks troubled. The Donbot turns to Bella.]
Donbot: Honey, if you're marryin' Bender, ya might wanna get a black dress for the wedding.
Bella: That's gonna look hot!
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Bender, Leela, and Amy are sitting at the conference table. Zoidberg, Hermes, Robot Stack, Fry, and Professor Farnsworth are standing up. Bender cries, his eyes covered.]
Robot Stack: Don't be scared, Bender. We're putting you in the witness relocation programme. [Bender uncovers his eyes.] You'll be given a new identity, a new place to live, and this iPod. [Robot Stack grabs an iPod from his right pocket and hands it to Bender.] I don't want it anymore.
- [Bender looks surprised and somewhat happier.]
Bender: So I gotta hide forever?!
Robot Stack: No. Just until the Robot Mafia finds and kills you. [Fry looks shocked. Robot Stack looks at him.] They're pretty good at that.
- [Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. Hermes, Amy, Bender, Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Leela, Fry, and Robot Stack are next to a spaceship shaped like a fedora that has the logo EBI on it. It resembles a UFO as well. Bender walks up to Professor Farnsworth.]
Bender: Goodbye, Professor. [Bender and Professor Farnsworth shake hands.] Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. [Bender walks up to Zoidberg.] Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. [Bender walks up to Leela and holds her hands.] Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now.
Leela: Oh, Lord.
- [Bender walks up to Fry. Fry whimpers.]
Fry: I wish I could go with you, pal.
- [Bender and Fry hug.]
Bender: Me too. I'll need a butler.
Robot Stack: Bender, we have to go.
- [Bender lets go of Fry and enters the spaceship, crestfallen, stops walking, and looks back. Fry looks at him and waves. Bender waves back. The spaceship's door closes.]
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The spaceship ascends and throws itself away like a flying disc.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. Zoidberg, Amy, Professor Farnsworth, Hermes, Fry, and Leela are looking up.]
Professor Farnsworth: [sad] There'll never be another like him. [Professor Farnsworth looks down and the others look at him.] [happy] Let's hire someone better!
- [Professor Farnsworth leaves.]
- [Cut to: Wooden log. A poster with the Planet Express logo is nailed to it. The caption NOW HIRING: appears on the poster and is followed by the flashing caption ANYONE WILL DO. The camera zooms out, revealing that Joey Mousepad, the Donbot, and Clamps are looking at the advertisement. The Donbot turns to Clamps.]
Donbot: Clamps. [Clamps continues staring at the advertisement and says nothing. Joey Mousepad turns to him.] Clamps!
Clamps: [confused] Huh?
- [Clamps looks at the Donbot.]
Donbot: Listen to my boss words. I would like you to apply for Bender's old job and cosy up to this Fry, his best friend.
Clamps: Yeah. And I'll introduce 'im to my best friend. [Clamps lifts up his right clamp.] [screaming] Clamp number one! [Clamps looks at his left clamp.] [in a normal tone] Sorry, toots.
- [The Donbot holds Clamps' right clamp.]
Donbot: No, Clamps. No clamps. Sooner or later, Bender will contact Fry... As relocated squealers always do.
- [Joey Mousepad's arms are crossed.]
Joey Mousepad: Then with the clamps... Francis.
Clamps: Francis? Francis?! [screaming] I'll clamp you with the Francis!
- [Clamps attempts to attack Joey Mousepad, but Joey Mousepad holds his head, blocking him. Clamps complains.]
Joey Mousepad: Ay! Oh! Take it ease.
- [Scene: The Planet Express lobby. Outside the building, Clamps rings the bell. Hermes walks up to the control panel, presses a button, and the door opens.]
Clamps: Hey there, Slick. I'm 'ere about the job.
Hermes: Take a seat. [Hermes points to his right, where iZac, Helper, the spotty teen Robot, and three other Robots are sitting. A Robot with no limbs is standing on the floor to his left.] We'll begin the interview shortly.
- [Hermes leaves. Clamps enters and looks around. The Robot with no limbs looks around as well.]
- [Cut to: Hermes' office. Hermes walks up to his table, grabs a pad, and leaves.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express lobby. Hermes enters, looking at the pad.]
Hermes: We'll start with Andrew.
- [Hermes looks to the floor and gasps. Every Robot but Clamps has been destroyed.]
Clamps: Yeah, they all kinda broke. So... When do I start?
- [Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Amy, Fry, Zoidberg, Leela, and Professor Farnsworth are sitting at the conference table. Hermes and Clamps have entered. Hermes is holding a package and two sheets of paper.]
Hermes: Everyone, this is Francis.
- [Hermes puts his hand on Clamps' left shoulder, making him angry.]
Fry: Hey, Francis.
Professor Farnsworth: Hello, Francis.
Amy: Cute name.
- [Hermes takes his hand off Clamps' shoulder.]
Hermes: Look what he can do.
- [Hermes places the sheets in the package and gives the package to Clamps. Clamps staples it three times. Hermes shows the others the stapled package. They are amazed. Clamps looks at his clamps.]
Clamps: Yeah, I do it all. Clampin', crimpin', occasional snippin'.
Professor Farnsworth: Snipping? [Professor Farnsworth laughs and turns to Zoidberg.] Looks like you may be out of a job, Zoidberg.
- [Zoidberg laughs ironically.]
Zoidberg: That's all good fun. But, of course, a clamp is no substitute for the precision of a genuine—
- [Amy stands up.]
Amy: Francis, would you do the honours?
- [Amy holds a crying baby who still has an umbilical cord. Clamps prepares to cut the cord, but Zoidberg quickly does it instead of him, alarming Amy. The baby stops crying.]
Zoidberg: [to Clamps, screaming] Stay off my turf!
- [Zoidberg leads Amy and the baby away from Clamps.]
Clamps: Eesh. [Fry walks up to Clamps.] That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps.
- [Clamps clamps. Fry laughs.]
Fry: [touched] You remind me of my old friend Bender.
Clamps: Oh, yeah? Where does he safely live?
- [Fry shrugs.]
Fry: I dunno. Hey, you wanna come to my house and play?
Clamps: Yeah. Sounds like freakin' fun.
- [Montage: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. The song "Clampdown" is playing.]
- [Cut to: Apartment 00100100. Fry is playing the game Jenga. Clamps knocks the tower down. They are eating pizza and drinking Slurm. Fry is scared at first, but then raises his arms, cheering, much to Clamps' suspicion.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Fry is sitting at the table, building a mini-Bender, who holds a bottle. Clamps squashes its head. Fry is scared again, but begins laughing immediately afterwards, which results in Clamps' frustration.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. Fry is standing in front of a wall bearing the sign DANGER: COLONEL MUSTARD GAS, opens a can of Slurm, leans against a pipe on the wall, breaking it and causing the Colonel Mustard Gas to be released, and begins suffocating. Clamps clamps the pipe, stopping the leak, and looks at Fry, serious. Fry begins smiling, walks up to Clamps, and hugs him, making him nervous. The camera pans over to Zoidberg, who, having been watching, looks saddened by what he has seen.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express locker room. Clamps mutters while using his locker.]
Clamps: Four stinkin' years of clampin' school for this?
- [Clamps shuts his locker's door and continues muttering.]
Zoidberg: [off camera] Greetings, Francis. [Zoidberg walks up to Clamps. Clamps looks at him.] Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers!
Clamps: Squeezers? Squeezers?! [Clamps lifts up his right clamp.] They're clamps, you [beep sound]! [Clamps grabs Zoidberg by the neck and pushes him up against the lockers.] And if I wanna [beep sound]-in' snip with these clamps, I will snip with these [beep sound]-ing clamps! [Zoidberg begins suffocating.] Why do you think they call me— [Professor Farnsworth enters.] Francis?
- [Clamps lets go of Zoidberg, turns to Professor Farnsworth, and hides his clamps behind his back.]
Professor Farnsworth: Eh, Francis, I have good news. It's time for your first delivery... [Professor Farnsworth holds up one finger.] To the Moon!
- [Professor Farnsworth points up.]
Clamps: Fan-[beep sound]-in'-tastic!
- [Clamps leaves.]
- [Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship flies away from Earth, flies by the Moon, enters a dome, and lands by a house the roof of which holds a sign reading ALDRIN'S GULCH TOWN JAIL.]
- [Cut to: Inside the house. Leela, Fry, Clamps, Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy enter. Leela is holding a pad and Fry is steering a hovercart with a rope on it.]
Fry: Here's the two-hundred feet of rope you ordered, Sheriff Burley.
- [They walk up to a man wearing a cowboy hat. The man looks at the hovercart and begins smiling.]
Sheriff Burley: Hot diggety! You fellas wanna stick around for the hangin' tomorrow? It's gonna be a doozy. [Sheriff Burley points to a muttering eight-headed Alien who is wearing eight moustaches and eight cowboy hats and is holding a mug.] I sure do love hangin' people. [Sheriff Burley signs Leela's pad and pants.] Well, best start cuttin' the nooses.
- [Sheriff Burley lifts up the rope.]
Leela: Oh! You know who could help with that?! [Leela looks at the others. Zoidberg walks up to Leela and Sheriff Burley and claws three times.] Francis!
- [Zoidberg looks shocked. The camera zooms out, revealing Clamps. Clamps laughs and helps Sheriff Burley cut the rope. Zoidberg is crestfallen.]
- [Cut to: Outside the house. Leela, Clamps, Fry, Professor Farnsworth, and Zoidberg leave the house. Fry is steering the empty hovercart.]
Leela: Nice job, Francis! I liked how you didn't get drunk and steal anyone's organs. Like our old Robot—
- [Fry points to something in front of them.]
Fry: Bender?! [Bender is wearing a hat and overall and driving a hovercarriage that is being pulled by the Crushinator. He looks at the crew. Fry runs towards Bender.] Bender! It's me, Fry!
- [Bender speeds up and leaves the dome.]
- [Scene: The Moon. Bender is still driving the hovercarriage. Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Fry, Hermes, Leela, and Amy are wearing space suits, peeking out at Bender from behind a hill as he enters another dome. Clamps is holding a phone that is projecting a hologram showing the Donbot.]
Donbot: [in the hologram] I knew Bender would turn up purely by coincidence. Take care of 'im, but do it quietly.
- [The Donbot lifts up a cigar. Bella is peeking out at him from the door of the room from which he is speaking.]
Clamps: Don't worry. We're in space. Where no one can hear you clamp!
- [Clamps laughs.]
Hermes: What do you know? The Feds gave Bender a new identity as a Moon farmer.
Fry: Well, he must be afraid to break character in case there's any Robot Mafia scuzzballs around.
- [Clamps turns to the others.]
Amy: Come on! Let's go check on 'im!
- [Amy begins jumping towards the dome. Everyone else but Clamps does the same.]
Clamps: [sad] I checked on a guy once. [angry] I checked 'im into tiny pieces!
- [Clamps begins walking towards the dome.]
- [Scene: Inside the dome. Clamps, Hermes, Amy, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg, and Professor Farnsworth are in front of a house, looking at the hydroponic farmer, who has opened the door.]
Hydroponic farmer: Bender?! Nope, don't recollect nobody by that name. But let me ask my son-in-law. [The hydroponic farmer turns to his left.] [shouting] Billy!
- [Bender, now without his hat, walks up to the hydroponic farmer.]
Bender: Yes, Moon pa?
Hydroponic farmer: These nice, big-city hillbillies are lookin' for someone named Bender. You know 'im?
Bender: No, he ain't any of the eight people I ever met.
- [Fry walks up to Bender.]
Fry: Bender, it's us, your friends. You can drop the hillbilling moron act.
Bender: Sorry, mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West!
- [Fry laughs.]
Fry: Billy West. What a stupid, phony, made-up name!
- [The hydroponic farmer has put his hand on Billy West's left shoulder.]
Hydroponic farmer: You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag burnin'. Y'all wanna stay for supper?
- [Amy looks at her watch.]
Amy: Well... [Amy shrugs.] My boyfriend and I were gonna have sex on a burning flag, but... [Amy shrugs again.] I could have a bite.
- [Amy shrugs yet a third time.]
- [Scene: Inside the house. The walls are decorated with a clock and two mirrors. The hydroponic farmer, Clamps, Professor Farnsworth, a small Robot resembling both Billy West and the Crushinator, Billy West, Fry, Leela, and Amy are sitting at the table. The small Robot is holding a baby's bottle. Billy West is wearing his hat again. Located in front of the window, the table has six plates, one of which has bread, and a pan with soup. The Crushinator walks up to the table.]
Billy West: May I present my beautiful Robot wife, the Crushinator. She's servin' up the dinner and the charm.
Crushinator: Mashed chicken, Mr. Fry?
- [Fry shrugs. The Crushinator's chest cabinet opens and the Crushinator puts a chicken on Fry's plate. Fry looks pleased. The Crushinator mashes the chicken. Fry looks scared.]
Clamps: So, uh... Billy... Where were you born?
Billy West: Right here in Moon country!
Professor Farnsworth: And how long have you been a farmer?
Billy West: Reckon I was born a farmer. Folks say my momma was a hoe.
- [Leela intentionally warps her fork below the table.]
Leela: Oh, dear! I seem to have warped my fork! [to Billy West] Could you bend it back for me? Billy?
- [Leela puts the fork in front of Billy West.]
Billy West: Bend it? [Billy West tries to lift the fork, but does not succeed.] I can't even lift it. Which is weird... Seein' as how my daddy was a forklift.
Leela: [to Fry, whispering] Wow! Bender is really committed to his new Jethrovian identity!
Billy West: If y'all are all finished, I'll drive y'all back to town in the old clunker.
- [Cut to: The Moon. The Crushinator is serving as a car for Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes, Billy West, Leela, and Clamps. Billy West is driving.]
Billy West: So... Y'all flew here in a spacey-ship?
Hermes: Stop talking like that! You live on the Moon!
Fry: [sad] If that is Bender, I guess he's just happier in his new life.
Professor Farnsworth: I refuse to believe anyone is happy! Mr. West, would you mind if I examined your brain?
Billy West: Examine? Heck. If you can find it, you can keep it.
- [Cut to: Outside a house with SALOON painted on it. Zoidberg, Amy, Hermes, Fry, Leela, Clamps, and the Crushinator are looking at Professor Farnsworth and Billy West, who is sitting on a chair. Professor Farnsworth's right hand is in Billy West's head. Professor Farnsworth removes a nest containing two birds from Billy West's head and drops it on the floor.]
Professor Farnsworth: Gadzooks! [Professor Farnsworth enlightens Billy West's head.] Bender's hard drive no longer contains any of his old memories. When the Feds bumpkinised him, they completely wiped out his old identity!
- [Professor Farnsworth closes the door. Everyone but Professor Farnsworth, Billy West, and the Crushinator gasps.]
Billy West: Well, I don't know about that. But who am I to argue with a man from the sky! [Billy West stands up.] So long, space heroes!
- [Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, and Fry begin walking away. Fry stops.]
Fry: [sad] You sure you don't wanna kill all Humans?
Billy West: Pfff! I love all Humans!
- [Billy West puts his hat on. Fry whimpers.]
Fry: He really is gone.
- [Fry leaves. The Planet Express ship flies away from the Moon.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express ship bridge. Fry is leaning against the wall and Leela is at the wheel.]
Fry: [sad] I guess I'm happy for 'im. And, honestly, Francis is a way better friend than Bender ever was. [Also present are Amy and Professor Farnsworth, standing up, and Hermes, sitting down.] Hey, where is Francis?
- [Fry gets the attention of the others.]
- [Cut to: Inside a saloon. Monique, Fat-bot, and Preacherbot, among several Humans, are present. A piano Robot is playing itself. An old lady in a wheel chair with a glass eye is flashing her skirt on stage. Billy West walks up to and puts a bill on the counter, where Sheriff Burley is cleaning a glass.]
Billy West: One sasparoil, Sheriff! I'm thirsty!
- [Sheriff Burley turns to Billy West.]
Sheriff Burley: Make it two. I'm greedy.
- [Sheriff Burley leaves. The camera zooms out, revealing that Clamps is sitting at Billy West's left.]
Clamps: You got the rest fooled. [Clamps turns to Billy West and points at himself with his right clamp.] But not me. [Clamps walks up to Billy West.] Now let's take this outside so's no one else gets clamped.
- [Clamps clamps three times with his right clamp.]
Billy West: You're the boss, stranger!
- [Clamps and Billy West leave.]
- [Cut to: Outside the saloon. Clamps opens the door as he leaves. Billy West follows him. Clamps suddenly stops walking, turns to Billy West, and grabs him by the neck.]
Clamps: I'm gonna clamp your body parts off one by one. But, then, I'm gonna clamp your wounds shut so ya stay alive... While I clamp ya some more. Say your prayers, stoolie.
Billy West: Okay! [Billy West folds his hands.] God bless grandma and grandpa—
Clamps: They're next! Right now, I'm gonna cut your damn head off!
- [Clamps clamps Billy West's head. Billy West begins suffocating.]
Zoidberg: [off camera] Drop the Robut. [Clamps looks to his right. Zoidberg claws five times.] I thought I told you. I do the cutting around here.
- [Clamps lets go of Billy West. Billy West falls down. Clamps stands in front of Zoidberg. A tumbleweed rolls to the left and then to the right. Amy, Fry, Leela, Professor Farnsworth, and Hermes show up, gasp, run towards a water tank, and hide behind it, peeking out at the showdown. Clamps clamps a bird that flies by. Zoidberg claws another and eats it. Close-up on each one's face. Fry, Leela, Hermes, and Amy are scared, looking at Clamps and Zoidberg. Professor Farnsworth is scared, looking away.]
Clamps: Scuttle on home. [Clamps points at Zoidberg with his left clamp.] This ain't none of your business, Slick.
- [Zoidberg points at himself with his right claw.]
Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. [Zoidberg looks up.] [screaming] John [beep sound]-ing Zoidberg!
- [Zoidberg screams as he jumps towards Clamps.]
Fry: Stop, Zoidberg! [Leela looks at Fry with interest.] You'll hurt Francis!
- [Leela looks at Fry with disappointment. Clamps' clamp and Zoidberg's claw engage. They begin fighting.]
Clamps: Oh, yeah? Take this! That that!
Zoidberg: [quickly, repeatedly] Oy!
Clamps: Why, you lousy— [Zoidberg throws Clamps through a window with HARDWARE painted on it, partially destroying it. Clamps emerges with vises on his body, shakes them off, screams, and jumps at Zoidberg, making him fall on a water tank. Zoidberg emerges with lobsters on his body, shakes them off, screams, and attacks Clamps.] I'm gonna clamp ya!
- [Clamps drives Zoidberg to his knees and clamps his head. Zoidberg makes a crustacean noise.]
Zoidberg: [screaming] Oy! [Zoidberg's head is almost broken.] Ow. Ow. Ow.
- [Clamps laughs.]
Clamps: Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest.
Zoidberg: That offer was for a limited time only.
- [Zoidberg's fin comes out of his head, making Clamps take his clamps off it. Zoidberg puts his claws around Clamps' clamps, stands up, and claws them. Clamps screams and falls on his knees.]
Clamps: [screaming, extendedly] My clamps!
- [Fry, Amy, Leela, Professor Farnsworth, and Hermes walk up to Zoidberg and Clamps.]
Fry: Why, Zoidberg?! Why?!
- [Zoidberg points at Clamps with his left claw.]
Zoidberg: Because our friend Francis here is in reality... A bad murderer.
- [Fry looks surprised. Billy West and the Crushinator walk up to them.]
Billy West: Yup. He was fixin' to kill me. [Billy West points at Zoidberg.] This here crawdad done saved my life!
- [A ringing sound is heard. Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, Amy, Fry, Zoidberg, and Clamps turn to their right. Professor Farnsworth, Leela, and Fry gasp. The ringing sound is being made by Bella, who is wearing a black dress and holding a gun.]
Bella: Bender, you two-timing jerk! [Bella points at herself with her left hand.] I put off my singing career for you! And, if I can't have you, [screaming] no one can!
- [Bella shoots Billy West three times, making three holes in his chest.]
Billy West: Aw, shucks.
- [Billy West falls down. Fry, Zoidberg, the Crushinator, Leela, Amy, Professor Farnsworth, and Hermes go to aid of him.]
- [Fry kneels before Billy West.]
- [The Crushinator cries. Billy West's body begins leaking oil and his eyes close. A black hovercar lands next to the corpse. The door is opened by the Donbot. The Donbot walks up to the corpse and kicks it. Joey Mousepad is behind the Donbot.]
Donbot: Bender was a helluva squealer. [The Donbot takes his hat off.] Maybe the best there ever was. We'll send his widow some meatballs. Clamps, Bella, get in the way-back.
- [The Donbot enters the hovercar and Joey Mousepad opens its trunk. Heading towards the hovercar, Bella makes a ringing sound and Clamps holds his clamps with his arms. Fry stands up. The hovercar's door closes and the hovercar flies away. Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy are left to mourn Billy West's death.]
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The camera pans over to a restaurant the roofs of which read AUTHENTIC EARTH PIZZA that has a sign reading FAMILY BROS. PIZZA.]
- [Cut to: Inside the restaurant. Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Leela are sitting at a circular table. No one else is there. All have a beer mug in front of them. Fry raises his.]
Fry: To my friend Bender. A wise man once said he was a helluva squealer. [sad] Maybe the best there ever was.
- [All raise their mugs.]
All: To Bender!
- [All drink.]
Bender: [in an Italian accent] You pizzas gonna be another minute. [Bender walks up to the table wearing a moustache and an apron and holding a tray with a bigger beer mug on it.] We are still waitin' for it to be delivered.
- [Bender places the mug on the table. Fry recognises Bender's voice and looks surprised. The camera zooms out, revealing Bender to also be wearing a chef's hat and Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg to be looking up at him. Leela looks up at Bender as well.]
Bender: [in an Italian accent] I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another Robot.
- [Fry sighs.]
Fry: [sad] You're probably right. [Fry shrugs.] I don't really remember what he looks like.
- [Bender takes off his hat and moustache and sits at the table.]
Bender: Guys! Guys! It's me, Bender!
- [Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg gasp. Fry hugs Bender.]
Fry: [happy, screaming] He's alive!
Leela: [happy, screaming] So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father!
- [Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela, and Bender look at each other. All but Bender cheer.]
Professor Farnsworth: Bender, old bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead! You can come back to work with us!
- [A brown-haired man wearing a delivery-boy outfit and holding a pizza box enters.]
Bender: I'm back, baby!
- [The brown-haired man walks up to the table.]
Brown-haired man: Pizza's here.
- [The brown-haired man places the pizza box on the table.]
Bender: Woo! [Bender stands up, opens the pizza box, and grabs a cutter from a pocket in his apron.] I'll just cut that.
- [Zoidberg hits the table with his right claw, scaring the others, and points at Bender with his left claw.]
Zoidberg: You do and I'll [beep sound]-ing gut you like a fish!
- [Bender's eyes begin shifting and Bender sits down. Zoidberg begins cutting the pizza as Hermes and Amy look at each other. Zoidberg's eyes begin shifting too.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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