Transcript:Bender Gets Made
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|Bender Gets Made|
|Written by||Eric Horsted|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Simulcast On Crazy People's Fillings.]
- [Scene: Outside Mmm TV Studio. There is a large sign on the door with a picture of Elzar and "Elzar Live! Now Taping". Smartly-dressed people walk through the VIP Entrance and Fry, Bender and Leela walk through the P Entrance, which is just a normal door next to the VIP Entrance.]
- [Cut to: Mmm TV Studio. At the back of the room people sit in bleachers. Fry, Bender and Leela take a seat at a table near the front.]
Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar. Oh this is the greatest nanosecond of my life. No, this one is-- No, this one. Wait ... that one was slightly worse. Ah, so far, so good on this one.
- [The lights dim and Bender squeaks. There is a drum roll and spotlights fly around the kitchen studio at the front.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] And now, here he is: Chef, restaurateur, author of Cooking Slugs For Dinner and Cooking Dinner For Slugs ... Elzar!
- [The audience applauds and Bender leaps up cheering.]
Bender: Yeah! [Above them Elzar flies in on a jet pack and lands at the back of the studio.] Alright! Yeah, yeah, baby!
- [He hoots. Elzar takes off the jetpacks and shakes hands with cheering members of the audience.]
Man: Elzar! [Elzar passes a centipede-like alien wearing a "Knock It Up A Notch" T-shirt.] Alright!
- [Bender block Elzar's path.]
Bender: Elzar, you're my God. Please sign this sketch I drew of you. [He holds up a crude picture of himself staring lovey-eyed at Elzar. Elzar takes it stamps "I'll Sign This For $50.00. x___" on it and hands it back to Bender.] [crying] Oh, Elzar! Bless you!
- [He hugs Elzar, who struggles to get out of his grip.]
Elzar: Now this is why I prefer your non-stick robots.
- [The audience laughs and Elzar tickles Bender with an electric whisk. Bender chuckles and lets go of Elzar. Elzar runs to the front of the room.]
Bender: [disappointed] Oh. [The audience claps and cheers.] [normal] Alright, yeah! [The "Applause" sign changes to "Less Applause".] [quietly] Alright, yeah!
Elzar: Hey, I hope you folks like Cajun food. [Bender hoots.] 'Cause today we're making Elzar's down-home Neptune-style gumbo. Now, step one. You wanna boil some oysters in a pot of down-home Neptune-style gumbo.
Bender: [loudly] Boiled? Interesting.
Leela: [whispering] Bender, please try to be a little quieter.
Bender: No, you shut up.
Elzar: Of course, every now and then you'll wanna knock it up a notch with a blast from your spice weasel. [He takes one out and squeezes it.] Bam!
Bender: Oh, yeah! Bam it again, Elzar! Knock it up another notch!
Elzar: Jeez, who let this guy through the metal detector?
Bender: Come on, you wimp! Work that weasel! Quit holding out on us.
- [Elzar sighs.]
Elzar: If you promise to stop interrupting, alright. Against my will, I'm gonna knock it up another notch.
- [Bender takes a camera out of his chest cabinet.]
Bender: I gotta get this notch-up-knocking on film. [He stands up.] Hey, Elzar, think fast.
Elzar: What, huh?
- [The flash goes off and Elzar blasts the spice weasel straight into Leela's eye.]
Leela: Ow! My eye! I'm blind!
- [The crowd gasps and murmurs.]
- [Scene: New New York City Street. An ambulance speeds through the streets and stops outside the Taco Bellevue Hospital.]
- [Cut to: Taco Bellevue Hospital. Paramedics run in with Leela on a hover-bed. In a cubicle a small doctor examines Hattie.]
Hattie: Tell me, doctor, how's my cyst?
- [The doctor is a near dead ringer for Gidget the Taco Bell Chihuahua.]
Taco Bellevue Doctor: Grande.
- [Scene: Taco Bellevue Hospital Eye Clinic. While a doctor examines Leela's bloodshot eye, Zoidberg, dressed in scrubs, talks to Fry.]
Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated.
Doctor #2: OK. What does this look like to you?
- [He holds up a picture of a blob to Leela.]
Leela: Um ... a grey-ish blob?
Doctor #2: Right. [He swaps the blob with a picture of a toucan playing tennis.] And this one?
Leela: Um ... a grey-ish blob?
Doctor #2: Not as right that time. It looks like you might have some mild corneal irritation.
Zoidberg: Nice try, little boy. You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace!
- [He screams and clacks his claws at the doctor.]
Doctor #2: You seem a bit tense. [He tips some pills onto his hand.] Here, try these.
Zoidberg: Sure, butter me up with candy. But it won't work, sonny! [He slurps the pills off the doctor's hand and his pupils dilate.] [high] Why always the fighting?
- [He walks away and the doctor turns to Leela.]
Doctor #2: Your eye just needs some rest. You'll have to wear this patch for about a week.
- [He puts a black eye patch over Leela's eye and she groans.]
Leela: A week? What do you think, Dr. Zoidberg?
- [Zoidberg, still high, clacks his claw past his face.]
Zoidberg: [high] Clack.
- [Scene: Taco Bellevue Hospital Waiting Room. Amy and Bender pace around. The doors open and Leela and Zoidberg walk in. Leela seems to be holding onto Zoidberg's arm.]
Zoidberg: [high] Thanks for the help, Leela.
- [He sits down. Fry joins Amy and Bender.]
Amy: [shouting] Leela, we're right here.
Leela: I'm not deaf. I just have to wear this stupid eye patch. Does it look stupid?
Fry: No! In fact, it looks so nice I think I might get one too.
- [He gestures an emphatic "no" to the others. Enter Elzar.]
Bender: It's Elzar again! Oh, my God, I'm so excited, I wish I could wet my pants!
Elzar: Leela, please, let me make this up to you. You and your friends are all invited to my restaurant tonight. I'm gonna bam you up a dinner you'll never forget.
Amy: [cheering] Alright!
Fry: [cheering] Yeah!
Bender: [cheering] Hooray for blind-y!
Zoidberg: Oh, God! I'm coming down!
- [Scene: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. A couple fly in on jetpacks and the valets take them and fly away.]
- [Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The whole staff are out for the evening. Waiters hold plates piled high with food.]
Elzar: Folks, tell the neighbours to watch your mouth 'cause your taste buds are going on vacation. I made you each your own special meal, so dig in!
- [A waiter puts a plate in front of Hermes and he gasps.]
Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen. Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?
- [Zoidberg looks at his plate.]
Zoidberg: The king crab is to die for. Look! A tiny edible crown.
- [He eats it.]
Amy: What's it made of?
Zoidberg: [eating] Wood!
- [Bender eats his food. Whatever it is it's burning. Fry has a burger.]
Bender: Oh, Fry, you gotta try this sterno-nicoise!
Fry: No, thanks. That's robot food.
Bender: It's so good. Oh, just try a little!
Fry: No, really, I don't-- [Bender stuffs a spoonful in his mouth and he screams as his tongue catches fire. The flame goes out and Fry tastes it and smiles.] Mmm!
Amy: Are you doing alright over there, Leela?
Leela: Oh, yeah, this salad's fantastic. [She takes a forkful of flowers from the middle of the table.] So fresh.
- [She eats it.]
- [Scene: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The couple from earlier have finished their meal and the valets return their jetpacks.]
- [Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The staff have finished their meal too. Hermes pushes his empty plate away, sighs and pats his stomach. Farnsworth wipes his mouth and Bender opens his door and burps.]
Farnsworth: Oh, my. That steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me.
- [Elzar walks in behind him with a tray of chocolates.]
Elzar: Everybody enjoy their dinner?
Leela: Are you kidding me?
Bender: God, yes, Elzar.
Elzar: Well, I enjoyed cooking for you. And to make everything completely square, I want you to have these complimentary after-dinner chocolates.
- [They take the chocolates. Underneath is a piece of paper.]
Hermes: What's this under the chocolates?
Elzar: Yeah, you take care of that whenever you want.
Amy: A bill?
Leela: You're charging us? After you blinded me?
Elzar: Hey, I made you a nice meal. This ain't a charity.
Farnsworth: Holy Zombie Jesus!
Hermes: We don't have that kind of money. Especially not Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: They took away my credit card.
Elzar: OK, OK, wait. I know how to take care of this, no problem.
- [Time Lapse. URL puts some cuffs on Leela. The rest of the staff are cuffed too.]
URL: You deadbeats are under arrest. It's a stone cold shame.
- [Fry picks his nose.]
Smitty: He's making a break for it. Get him!
- [He and URL draw their lightsabers.]
Fry: No! No! I was just picking my nose.
Smitty: He's picking his nose. Get him!
- [He and URL bash Fry around the head.]
- [Scene: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The staff file out of the restaurant into the police van.]
Smitty: The old dine-and-dash, huh? My daddy owned a restaurant and it's punks like you who kept it from going regional. That's why I became a cop.
URL: Now it's payback time. Aw, yeah!
Zoidberg: Please don't hit me. I'm brittle!
Bender: Hey, wait a second. I've got the perfect solution.
Zoidberg: Listen to the smart robot.
Bender: I love cooking and Elzar's ass loves getting kissed, right?
Elzar: No question.
Bender: So, how 'bout I work part-time at the restaurant to pay off our debt?
Elzar: I don't know. I usually hire people who are a little less unbearable.
Hermes: Oh, Bender's a model employee.
Amy: He's so polite.
Leela: And hard-working.
Fry: He's made of candy.
Elzar: OK, fine, I'll give it a shot.
Fry: [cheering] Alright!
Hermes: [cheering] Yes!
Bender: Hot diggety!
- [Smitty and URL take the cuffs off.]
Smitty: You'd better keep your nose clean.
Bender: That'll be easy. I never wear the damn thing.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew at the morning meeting.]
Hermes: Ah! Time for my precious 10am meeting. [He looks around the table.] Where in Legoland is Leela?
- [Leela walks in with Nibbler on a lead.]
Leela: I'm here and I'm getting along just fine, thank you. My walk to work today just took a little longer than usual. Nibbler took me through the zoo for some reason.
- [Nibbler coughs up some antlers. Leela sits down on Zoidberg and he groans.]
Amy: Leela, a little help is nothing to be embarrassed about. Like, maybe I could do your makeup.
Leela: I don't need help. For your information I did this all by myself.
- [She turns around. The other side of her face is messed up with squiggly lines of lipstick and mascara everywhere.]
Farnsworth: You look beautiful. Incidentally, my favourite artist is Picasso.
- [Enter Bender.]
Bender: Well, I'm off to work at the restaurant. One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone.
Farnsworth: Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you. [He gets up and heads for the door.] Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monster, with freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal...
- [He walks through the door. Bender turns to the rest of the staff.]
Bender: Well, if that new guy can't handle things, gimme a call.
- [Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine Foyer. Elzar empties the cash from the till into his pockets. Bender walks in covered in grease and wearing an apron.]
Bender: I'm done siphoning out the grease trap. I think I need a mint. [He takes a mint from a bowl and leaves grease over the rest of them.] So, uh, what job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy?
- [He holds up a plunger and Bender takes it.]
Bender: [muttering] Bam yourself! [The door opens and three robots walk in. One of them is short, has a scar on his face and clamps instead of hands, another wears a hat, cloak and carries a cane and the third, the tallest, wears a chain around his neck with a computer mouse attached to it. The lead robot hands his hat to the one with the clamps and his cloak to the one with the mouse. A waitress shows them through.] [talking] Hey, who are they?
Elzar: Let's just say they're very good customers and I'm not answering anymore questions.
Bender: Are they the Robot Mafia?
- [Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The waitress shows the Mafiabots to their table.]
Donbot: You call this a table? You call this a table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the head with this table.
Clamps: You hear that? The Donbot don't like it. I oughta clamp you. You wanna be clamped?
- [He shows her his clamps and she flinches. The second mobbot, Joey Mouse Pad, pulls him away.]
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Calm down, Clamps. [He turns to the waitress.] The boss, he likes a wall up which his back can be put against. Such as like this there.
- [He points at a table with a family already sitting at it.]
Waitress: But that table's already--
- [Enter Bender.]
Bender: Ah, let me bus that for you, gentlemen. [He walks over to the table and pulls the tablecloth away, leaving the plates and glasses undisturbed. The family applauds.] No, what I meant to do was--
- [He slides the plates off the table and they fall to the floor and break.]
Man: I can't believe this!
Bender: Mind your own business and get out!
- [The family storm out and Bender kicks the plates around some more.]
Donbot: Huh. I like this guy's lack of style.
- [Time Lapse. The mobbots are sat at their table.]
Clamps: So I finally get this guy a pair of cement shoes which he likes 'cause they're lighter than his lead ones.
- [Bender hands them their change on a tray and starts to leave.]
Donbot: Hey! You think this computes over here? Where's all my change? I gave you a hundred.
Bender: No, you gave me a fifty.
Donbot: Oh, no I didn't.
Bender: Yeah, you did.
Clamps: Hey, you tryin' to steal from the Donbot?
Bender: I'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy.
- [Clamps and Joey stand up and Bender steps back. Donbot laughs. Clamps and Joey join in.]
Donbot: Get a load of the ball bearings on this guy, huh. I like you, kid. Here's something for your trouble. [He slips something into Bender's apron pocket.] [whispering] It's money.
Bender: Wow! Thanks.
Donbot: Hey, you earned that 50 bucks.
Bender: You gave me a twenty.
Donbot: I did? [He starts counting out some extra cash.] Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to-- Hey, wait a minute. [He laughs.] I got a good feeling about you. Say, you wanna work for me as a hired goon?
Bender: Are you kidding? I've always wanted to break into gooning! [He takes off his apron, screws it up and throws it on the floor.] [shouting] Hey, Elzar! I quit!
Elzar: [shouting; from foyer] K.
- [Scene: Alley. Bender is with the mobbots. Donbot holds a 3.5" disk.]
Donbot: We're gonna try you out with a little delivery job. It's for a, uh, private lottery that we run.
Bender: Wow, you guys run numbers?
Clamps: Well, nothing fancy, y'know. Ones and zeros mostly.
Donbot: Just take this disk over to the pool hall and give it to Sammy "The Mechanical Bull" Gravano. And watch out for the cops.
- [Bender takes the disk.]
Bender: That's just what my mom used to tell me.
- [Cut to: Little Bitaly Street. Bender walks out of the alley and into a street fair. Robots play hoopla and they all win and cheer. A robot that is built like a helium canister blows up a balloon, twists it into a human shape and gives to a young robot. Bender stops by an OI"L"-AD"E" stall run by Tinny Tim with certain letters turned backwards. He drinks a glass.]
Bender: That's some fine oil-ade, son. We could use a man like you in the Robot Mafia, which I'm sorta in.
Tinny Tim: You flatter me, kind goon. But I'm only programmed to sell oil-ade and write in cute backwards letters like on the sign here.
- [Bender is about to take another sip when he sees something across the street.]
Bender: Aw, crap! The cops!
- [Across the street, Smitty and URL are dressed in civilian clothes but still wearing their police helmets. They read a "Non-Police News" newspaper.]
Smitty: Seen any suspicious activity?
URL: Nope. But check out today's Marmaduke. Solid!
- [Smitty looks across the road.]
Smitty: Hey! It's that skell from Elzar's.
- [URL speaks into his wrist communicator.]
URL: Undercover pursuit in progress ... baby.
- [They cover their faces with their newspapers and follow Bender who cheerfully whistles. Smitty drops his paper and grabs Bender's arms.]
Bender: What seems to be the problem, officers? Was I speeding?
Smitty: We'll decide what you were doing after an illegal search.
- [URL snaps on some gloves and feels inside Bender's chest cabinet. Bender giggles.]
URL: He's clean. [He closes the door.] Smells nice too.
Smitty: Better than me?
URL: Aw, yeah.
- [They leave and Bender looks across the street. Tinny Tim stands on the steps of Pat's Pool Hall. A sign advertises "Rich Beginners Welcome". The door opens and Tinny Tim holds out the disk to a robot.]
Tinny Tim: Courtesy of Mr. Bender.
- [The robot takes it and closes the door. Tinny Tim winks and waves some money at Bender. Bender gives a thumbs up. The mobbots come around the corner.]
Donbot: Nice job, Bender. You passed the test. You wanna join me, Clamps and Joey Mouse Pad at our, uh, social club tomorrow night?
Bender: Uh, I'd rather plan some felonies.
Donbot: Oh. Then we should meet at our Mafia crime headquarters.
- [Scene: Fronty's Meat Market. On the front of the building a sign states that it is "Not A Front Since 2997". Inside, Bender looks around and opens a freezer room door.]
- [Cut to: Freezer Room. Donbot sits on several blocks of ice with Clamps and Joey to either side. Meat carcasses hang on hooks around them and a trembling robot stands in front of them.]
Robot: Donbot, I beg you, I can't make this week's loan payment. Look into your hard drive and open your mercy file.
Donbot: File not found. [Clamps and Joey take out some laser-Tommy guns and shoot the robot, riddling him with laser holes. He screams and falls to the floor.] Let that be a warning to you.
- [The robot gets up and puts on his hat.]
Robot: Thank you, Donbot.
- [He leaves and Bender walks in.]
Bender: Joey! Clamps! Donny B!
Donbot: Hey, listen, Bender. We got a big score planned but, uh, we need some muscle.
Bender: A little of this, huh?
- [Joey punches his door.]
Joey: Ho! Ho! This guy's an ox! He's got oxen-like strength! Hey, he needs a nickname, right? Let's call him Clamps.
Clamps: Clamps? That's my name, you numbskull! Don't make me clamp you one!
- [He clacks his clamps.]
Bender: How 'bout "Blotto"? It's gritty, it's got street cred. Plus I can keep my monogrammed slippers.
Joey: Good thinking. Hey, hey! Now, this score ain't gonna be no cake walk in the tea park, alright? There may be some death killing.
Clamps: It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that. Bada-climp, bada-clamp!
Donbot: What d'you think, Blotto? You in?
Bender: It's funny: Until now I always wanted to be a gangster ... so the answer's yes.
Joey: Hey, hey! Way to go, way to be, way to shoot!
Donbot: Now, since we're committing crimes that may be against the law, I suggest you have an alibi.
Bender: An alibi, huh?
- [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The ship is on the launching mechanism.]
- [Cut to: Ship Corridor. Outside the quarters, Fry holds a tray with two sundaes on it. Bender groans from inside.]
Bender: [groaning; from quarters] I don't feel good. I'm genuinely sick.
Fry: But we're about to take off. We gotta eat our blast-off sundaes.
Bender: [groaning; from quarters] I can't move.
- [Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Quarters. Bender isn't inside. Instead, he has hooked up a tape-reel machine to play over and over.]
Bender: [groaning; on tape] Oh, I think I'm gonna output.
Fry: [from outside] OK, you stay in bed. I'll eat yours.
- [The tape rewinds.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela, still wearing her eye patch, feels for a button. Enter Fry.]
Fry: Bender's sick. [Leela presses the button and the ship rises into its 45-degree launch position. Fry eats a sundae and talks with his mouth full.] Need any help taking off?
- [Nibbler sniffs at the sundae.]
Leela: I'm fine, thank you. A real pilot can navigate by feel alone.
- [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar doors half open and the ship blasts through them, leaving a hole in them.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Zoidberg turn around at the table and see the hole in the doors and the rubble on the hangar floor.]
Hermes: That's coming outta your pay!
- [Zoidberg bursts into tears.]
- [Scene: Mafiabot Ship. Joey Mouse Pad drives. Bender walks onto the bridge with a pot of food and puts it on a table which Donbot and Clamps are sat at.]
Bender: You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good, high-quality oil ... then eat it. So what's this big score anyway?
- [He ladles some oil into Donbot's dish.]
Donbot: We're heisting a shipment of Zuban cigars.
Bender: Zubans? Those are the finest cigars in the universe. I can stink up a hole maternity ward with one of those things.
Joey: Yo! There's our pigeon now. Let's shoot bullets out of our guns.
- [Bender drinks a ladleful of oil and squeals when he sees the Planet Express ship flying ahead of the Mafia ship. He does a very long spit take.]
- [Time Lapse. The mobbots have their guns ready. Bender looks through the window, biting his nails.]
Donbot: Alright, here's the battle plan: We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard, somebody does some clamping, then we heist the cigars and go home.
Bender: And all without killing anyone. [He whistles.] This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that.
Joey: Oh, we'll kill 'em alright.
Clamps: We got 'em heavily out-clamped. They won't know what clamped 'em!
- [Bender gulps.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Nibbler eats some food from his dish and Fry leans back on his seat, looking through the window.]
Fry: Wow! It's too bad you can't see, Leela, 'cause there's a cool ship out there shooting at somebody.
- [The orange laser bolts hit the ship and it shakes and knocks Fry and Leela off their chairs.]
Leela: I'm taking evasive action.
- [She is sitting on the other side of the cockpit holding Nibbler's bowl instead of the wheel.]
Fry: Uh, Leela?
Leela: Stop bothering me, Fry, I need full concentration.
- [Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. Clamps and Joey Mouse Pad stand on the portside of the ship firing lasers. The Planet Express ship turns wildly.]
- [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry returns fire and misses. The front of the Mafiabot ship opens and missile flies out of it. Fry squeals and pulls a string.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry has rigged up the strings to turn the wheel. He turns the ship starboard and the missile misses the ship and explodes harmlessly.]
Computer Voice: Missile evaded.
Leela: Eyesight is for chumps.
- [Cut to: Mafiabot Ship. Donbot drives and Bender stands tensely next to him.]
Donbot: Their desire to keep living shows me no respect. Hey, Blotto, roll down the window and start shooting.
- [He hands him a gun.]
Bender: Um, uh, um. [He opens the window, leans out and pretends to fire the gun, making the noises. He looks back in at Donbot who doesn't turn around. He makes an explosion sound.] [fake hurt] Ooh! Ow! He got me! Ooh! What a shot that guy is!
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela is still holding the bowl.]
Leela: Wait! Why do the raised letters that normally say "Turn Master Steering Wheel Company" say "Nibbler"? Oh, no!
- [She throws the dish down and makes her way over to the pilot's seat.]
- [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Leela takes control of the ship and it jerks sideways. She crackles onto a screen.]
Leela: [on screen] I'm back at the wheel, Fry. Everything's under control.
Fry: Great, great. The one time I forgot to buy flight insurance!
- [Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. The Planet Express ship turns around and heads for it. Joey screams.]
Joey: They're coming straight toward our proximity. Maybe you should give 'em the clamps, Clamps.
Clamps: Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day at every opportunity? [shouting] You're a freaking genius, you idiot!
- [The Planet Express ship flies by and Clamps grabs the tail fin. He clamps the fuel line, next to a sign that says "Fuel Line. Do Not Clamp". The engines shut down.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry slides down the turret access ladder and runs into the cockpit.]
Leela: The engine's stalled. I'm trying the manual fuel pump.
- [She pumps Nibbler's eyestalk up and down. The doors open and Fry screams. The three Mafiabots stand in the doorway.]
Donbot: Hello, we're the Robot Mafia. The entire Robot Mafia. We're here to steal your cigars.
- [Leela gets up and points at something that isn't a Mafiabot.]
Leela: You'll never get away with this.
Fry: Unless you let us live. Then you'll get off scot free.
Donbot: Joey, Clamps, hurry and blindfold them before they see us some more.
- [Clamps blindfolds Fry and Joey points at Leela.]
Joey: Hey, boss, looks like somebody beat us to it.
- [He laughs.]
Leela: I'll assume that's a joke at my expense. Well, who's laughing now? Hi-yah!
- [She kicks Fry in the face and he groans and falls over. Joey holds her.]
Donbot: Hey, where's Blotto? He should be here learning the trade.
- [Bender peers in through the doorway.]
- [Cut to: Ship Corridor. Bender opens his chest cabinet and turns a voice modulator knob from "Robot" to "King". His accent changes to one that Americans so fondly refer to as "British".]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender walks in.]
Bender: Sorry I'm tardy, old bean. I was just enjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich.
Donbot: Hey. He's more classy than I realised. Tie up the prisoners.
Bender: Capital idea, old sport. [He ties Fry to chair. Nibbler tugs his leg and points at the mobbots.] I say, get the hell off me!
- [Leela leans over to Fry.]
Leela: [whispering] That guy sounds familiar.
- [Bender puts a bucket over Nibbler and a brick on top. He stands up and his antenna hooks onto Leela's patch and pulls it off.]
Bender: My word, what have we-- [He gasps. Leela stares at him. She can just about make out Bender's shape but he puts the eye patch back on her.] Uh, nothing to see here, old girl.
Joey: Hey, boss, this here crew list lists a robot on this crew here.
Donbot: Alright. I want you to find him and plug him. Then unplug him.
- [Fry and Leela gasp.]
Clamps: I got a little surprise in store for that guy: The clamps! Eh?
- [He laughs and turns to leave.]
Bender: Uh, wait, old ... spice. Let me have a go at this mechanised chap. I can be quite the rough customer.
- [He walks out.]
- [Cut to: Ship Corridor. He disappears into his and Fry's quarters.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Fry: [whispering] Oh, no! Poor Bender.
Bender: [groaning; on tape; from quarters] Oh, I don't feel good.
- [The sound out metal smashing metal comes from the quarters. The real Bender laughs.]
Bender: [from quarters] Chew on this! [normal voice] Ooh, ah! [fake voice] What ho! [normal voice] Stop it!
- [Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Quarters. Bender sits reading Somewhat Fantastic Sci-Fi. He hits himself on the head with a frying pan.]
Bender: [fake voice] Take that, you twit. [normal voice] No! Stop it!
- [The tape starts to rewind and Bender hits the machine with the frying pan, breaking it.]
- [Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. The Mafiabots have installed a linkway from the cargo bay to their ship. Bender carries the last crate towards the linkway.]
Donbot: That's the last of 'em. [Joey and Clamps walk back in through the linkway.] Alright, now let's Mafia things up a little. [He takes two oil containers out of his chest cabinet.] Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
- [Bender runs back in and talks like he's from New York (Old New York).]
Bender: Uh, hey, Donny, baby, gimme a chance here, huh? Yous guys skedaddle. Let me take care of the doity woik.
Donbot: Hey, I like your attitude. And your latest accent. Keep it up and I might just get you your own pair of clamps, huh?
- [He pats Bender's cheek and leaves.]
Clamps: [muttering] He's gonna get clamps? Clamps, clamps ... [He and Joey leave.] ... clamps, clamps!
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The Mafiabot ship flies away. Nibbler squeaks from under the bucket. Fry and Leela are still tied up.]
Fry: Leela, we may not have much time left ... [Bender sneaks past them to an empty chair.] ... so let's spend all of it reminiscing about Bender. He was like a big computer that ran on magic.
- [Bender sits down, ties his arms up behind the chair and clears his throat.]
Bender: Uh, help! Help!
Fry: You're OK!
Bender: Yes, I am. Having just this minute regained consciousness.
Leela: I've got an idea. Hold still. [She rubs her ropes against Bender's arm.] It's about to break. Yes! Yes!
- [Bender's arm drops off.]
Leela: [cheering] Alright!
Bender: Yeah that broke, alright!
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. Leela has crashed the ship into the tower, making the building look more like Planet Hollywood than Planet Express.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are all assembled.]
Fry: I'm telling you, Leela was cool, she was in command, and when she kicked people it hurt. It really hurt.
Leela: Well, this is the big moment. It's finally time to take my eye patch off.
Zoidberg: I'll handle the snipping. After all, I do have the proper equipment.
- [He ignores his claw and uses some scissors to cut the patch off. Leela sees a shape come into view and gasps.]
Leela: I think it's Blotto, that gangster I saw when my patch fell off. [Bender rubs some sweat off his head with Nibbler. Leela focuses. The shape turns into Farnsworth.] Professor? Where were you at 10pm last night?
Farnsworth: Where am I now?
- [The doorbell rings and Bender goes to answer it.]
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. He opens the door and gasps when he sees Tinny Tim.]
Bender: So they sent a helpless child to kill me? Well I'm not going out without a fight.
- [He kicks Tinny Tim's crutch away and he hops around without it.]
Tinny Tim: Fine kick, sir. But I'm actually here to deliver your cut from the cigar heist.
Bender: Oh, sweet legal tender! [He takes the cash and starts to eat it.] Kid, tell the Donbot I'm quitting organised crime. From now on I'll stick to regular kind.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The ship is back in the hangar. Bender sits down with a cigar in his mouth. He takes the cash out of his chest cabinet. Fry sighs.]
Fry: It's funny, Bender; with you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.
- [He eats more cash.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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