Transcript:Mars University

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Transcript for
Mars University
Written byJ. Stewart Burns
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender, Fry and Leela sit around the table. Bender has a bottle of Löbrau. Fry has a can of Slurm and isn't wearing his jacket. Enter Farnsworth with a large crate on a hover trolley.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. [He presses a button on the trolley and it lowers itself to the floor.] We've got a very special delivery today.

Fry: Who's it going to?

Farnsworth: Me.

[Bender dusts off his hands.]

Bender: Another job well done.

Farnsworth: No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. [He strokes the crate.] It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.

Leela: In what field?

Farnsworth: I don't care, they all pay the same.

[Fry stands next to the box.]

Fry: Is it dangerous?

Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. [Fry kicks the box and the thing inside starts growling and shaking the box. Fry runs and hides behind Leela. Farnsworth pulls a tranquiliser gun out of nowhere and loads a tranquiliser dart into it. He pokes the gun through a hole in the crate and shoots whatever is inside. It whimpers and the shaking and growling stops.] Off we go!

[Opening Credits. There is a remixed version of the normal theme. Caption: Transmitido en Martian en SAP.]
[Scene: The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars.]
[Scene: Mars University Campus. The ship flies over a sign reading "Mars University. Knowledge Brings Fear" and lands in an empty space on the campus grounds.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth takes Fry, Leela and Bender on a tour of the university grounds. They walk past a statue of a big-skulled Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a laser gun on horseback.]

Fry: Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.

Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636.

Leela: They planted traditional college foliage; ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet was terraformed.

Fry: Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?

Farnsworth: Of course.

[Fry takes some huge breaths.]
[Scene: Outside Wong Library. The building is quite big, with "Socrates | Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top.]

Farnsworth: Over here is Wong Library. It has the largest collection of literature in the Western Universe.

[Fry peers through the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University: Wong Library. The building is empty, save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Fry whistles, impressed.]
[Cut to: Outside Wong Library.]

Bender: [pointing] Hey, look! There's a chapter of my old robot fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho.

[He points to a beaten up frat house with a neon "ERR" sign atop it. There is a smashed-up car, some kegs, a cable spool being used as a table, some kegs, some dustbins, some kegs, some upturned chairs and some kegs around it.]

Leela: You went to college?

Bender: Of course. I'm a bender, I went to Bending College. I majored in Bending.

Fry: What was your minor?

Bender: Robo-American Studies.

[Scene: Outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocks on the door and a dorky fratbot answers it.]

Fratbot #1: Are you here to fumigate the moose head?

Bender: Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from way back.

[They both to a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the creation of cosmic clouds.]

Fratbot #1: Eh, close enough. C'mon in.

Bender: Thanks. Here's your finger back.

[The fratbot takes it and Bender and the crew follow him in.]
[Cut to: Epsilon Rho Rho House. The place is a mess.]

Bender: All the coolest robots are in this fraternity.

[In another room two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard. The room is a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat. The glasses one looks at the chessboard. The game hasn't begun.]

Fratbot #2: Mate in 143 moves.

Fratbot #3: Oh, pooh. You win again!

Bender: Uh-oh, nerds!

Fratbot #1: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift, chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fat-bot.

Bender: You're all losers. My name's Bender.

[The fratbots gasp.]

Oily: Bender from Bending State Bender? Wow, you're a legend around here!

Fat-bot: I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.

Bender: [modest] Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children. Anyway I should get going.

[Leela comes down the stairs.]

Gearshift: No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool.

Bender: Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, a continuous tape of Louie Louie and a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder.

[Fat-bot wiggles his fingers with excitement.]

Fat-bot: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

[Scene: Mars University Campus. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth continue the tour.]

Fry: I tell you, being here really takes me back to my college days.

[Flashback. At Coney Island, there is a "Snake Boy" stall and a water balloon stall where winners get a Bart and Homer Simpson doll. Fry stands by a Coney Island Community College booth. A buck-toothed man leans through a window wearing a gown and hat.]

Man #1: Step right up. Who wants to learn physics?

[Fry shrugs and walks in.]

Man #2: [from inside] Keep your hands inside the car at all times.

[Flashback ends.]

Fry: Good old Coney Island College! Go, Whitefish!

Leela: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type.

Fry: Oh, yeah? [He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket with "Notice of Failure to Graduate" written on it. The CICC logo is a Ferris wheel.] Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout.

Leela: Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centres.

Farnsworth: That's true. By current academic standards, you're merely a high school dropout.

Fry: What? That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!

Leela: You won't last two weeks.

Fry: Aww, thanks for believing in me.

[Scene: Mars University Student Registration. A few people queue up in front of the enrolment tables for A-L and M-Y. Several aliens queue at Z. Fry joins the A-L line and leafs through a course catalogue. Amy wanders up behind him.]

Amy: Yo, classmate. What you takin'?

Fry: Oh, I don't know. [Farnsworth walks past with his crate on a hover trolley.] Hey, Professor, what are you teaching this semester?

Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.

Fry: [writing] Mathematics of wanton burrito meals. [He points his pencil at Farnsworth.] I'll be there!

Farnsworth: Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach; I'm a professor!

Fry: See you in class!

[Farnsworth grumbles as he walks off with his crate.]

Farnsworth: Oh!

[Scene: Mars University Campus. At night, Bender runs around the Martian statue and checks the coast is clear. He beckons to the fratbots and they run across the campus with a ladder. They lean it up against the side of a building and climb on. The ladder lifts them up to a window and they giggle as they peer through.]

Fat-bot: This is gonna be great!

[Cut to: Sorority House. Sexy blondes pillow fight in their slinky underwear, another takes her towel off and steps into the shower and another takes a haiband out of her hair and starts typing on a Mac. The robots stare towards her chest then suddenly stare at the Mac.]

Bender: [from outside] Bingo!

Fat-bot: [from outside] Oh, mama!

[Gearshift wolf whistles. The Mac fizzles and suddenly goes off.]

Bender: [from outside] Oh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer! [The girl takes the front of the Mac revealing the circuits inside. The fratbots gasp.] Get a load of that!

[He zooms in and his eyes start to push him away from the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University Campus. The ladder tips back and it and the fratbots crash into a building. Some guys wearing blue blazers and smoking pipes run out of Snooty House. The first, Meiderneyer, has brown hair and the second one, Chet, is blonde.]

Meiderneyer: I say, you've damaged our servants' quarters ... and our servants.

Chet: This time Robot House has gone too far.

Bender: Cheese it!

[They run off, screaming.]

Fat-bot: [screaming] They're gonna catch us!

[Scene: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's Room. Fry looks around his new abode.]

Fry: Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds. [There is a knock at the door.] A woodpecker.

Leela: I think that's probably your roommate.

Fry: Oh, right, cool. [shouting] C'mon in, roomie! [He opens the door but there is no one there. He looks down and sees a monkey wearing a bowler hat and carrying two cases.] [talking] What the--?

Monkey: I call top bunk!

[It climbs over Fry onto the top bunk. Fry spits and the monkey sighs.]
[Time Lapse. The monkey hums as it empties it's case. It takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer.]

Fry: My roommate's a monkey?

Monkey: [sarcastic] Brilliant deduction, you're a credit to your species.

[Enter Farnsworth pushing the empty crate.]

Farnsworth: Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!

Fry: You know each other?

Farnsworth: Guenter is my experiment. He was the top secret contents of this stinking crate.

[He lowers the crate and pats it.]

Guenter: I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork.

Leela: So what makes Guenter talk?

Fry: Is he genetically engineered?

Farnsworth: Oh, please! That's preposterous science-fiction mumbo-jumbo. Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive radiation.

[Fry scratches his head in confusion. Guenter scoffs.]

Guenter: You're wasting your breath, Professor. He'll never understand a word of it.

Fry: I understood the word "hat"!

[He reaches for the hat and Guenter leaps back.]

Farnsworth: Please, stop bickering. I arranged that you be roommates for a reason: So I'd only have to remember one phone number. Now shake hands and make up.

[They reluctantly do. Fry holds up a banana.]

Fry: You want a banana?

Guenter: I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavoured energy bars made from tofu.

[Fry narrows his eyes.]

Fry: I don't like you.

[Scene: Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. The teacher scrawls "20th Century History" on the blackboard with a piece of chalk and presses a button which converts it to clean text. Guenter is sat to the left of Fry and Amy two seats left. Fry chuckles.]

Fry: This is gonna be a cakewalk!

Teacher: Welcome to the history of the 20th century. Look to your left, then to your right. Then in nine other directions. One of the 12 of you will not pass this class.

Amy: Boring. [She leans over to Guenter.] Let's hear about Walter Mondale already!

Teacher: Be forewarned: The only sure way to get an A in this class is to have lived in the 20th century.

Fry: Swish!

[He swishes his hands. The teacher presses a button in front of him marked "Fry" and Fry gets electrocuted.]

Teacher: You were saying, Mr. Fry?

Fry: I'm from the 20th century. Go ahead, ask me anything.

Teacher: Very well. What device invented in the 20th century allowed people to view broadcast programmes in their own homes?

Fry: Ooh ... I know this ... whatyya call it? Lite Brite!

[The teacher electrocutes him again. Guenter laughs and points his pencil in the air.]

Guenter: I believe the answer is the television.

Teacher: Very good, Mr. ... [He checks his list.] ... Guenter.

Amy: [impressed] Wow! Smart and cute!

[She ruffles Guenter's fur. Guenter smiles cockily at Fry.]
[Scene: Mars University: Mentholyptus Hall. Dean Vernon sits in his office at his desk carefully adjusting parts of a model spaceship with old-fashioned sails. He is a middle-aged man and wears a brown suit and black thick-rimmed glasses.]

Vernon: What I love about being dean of students is the peace and quiet and the respect I receive. [The phone rings.] Now what's all this about?

[He puts it on speaker-phone.]

Woman: [on phone] Dean Vernon, the students from Robot House are here.

[Vernon takes off his glasses.]

Vernon: Robot House!

[Enter Bender and the other fratbots.]

Bender: Hey, dean, nice looking model.

[Vernon quickly pulls it back from the edge of the desk.]

Vernon: You keep away from it. You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated--

Bender: Now, I can explain that.

Vernon: That's enough out of you. From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret probation!

[The robots gasp.]

Bender: No fair!

Fat-bot: My mom is gonna kill me!

[Vernon puts his glasses back on.]

Vernon: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the one thing that's kept me sane these past eight years: My model ship.

[He looks down. The ship isn't on his desk. His jaw drops when he sees Fat-bot eating it.]

Gearshift: Fat-bot! No!

Fat-bot: When I get nervous I get hungry.

[Vernon grits his teeth.]

Bender: Cheese it!

[Cut to: Mars University: Outside Mentholyptus Hall. The robots burst through the doors, run down the steps and away.]

Vernon: [shouting; from inside] Robot House!

[Scene: Cafe. Fry sits with a brown-haired girl wearing an orange MU top and reading an English 101 book. Fry has a tray in front of him with a burger, two bananas and some crackers on it.]

Fry: So, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off. If you're not doing anything later might I escort you to a kegger?

Chrissy: Not even if you were the last man on Mars.

[She slams the book shut, gets up and leaves. Fry watches.]
[Cut to: Outside Cafe. Fry watches Chrissy through the window as she writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Guenter. She giggles, chews her pencil bashfully and leaves. Fry watches her, dumbstruck. Guenter raps on the window and gets Fry's attention.]

Guenter: [shouting] Hey! You like bananas?

[Cut to: Cafe. Guenter slaps the piece of paper onto the window.]

Guenter: [shouting; from outside] I got her number. How do you like them bananas?

[He walks off and Fry growls.]
[Scene: Mars University: Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields Lecture Hall. Farnsworth has drawn a diagram and some algebra on the blackboard under the heading "Today's Lesson: WD or 'Witten's Dog'".]

Farnsworth: And therefore, by process of elimination, the electron must taste like grapeade.

[He turns around to his class ... who aren't there. The door opens and Fry walks in.]

Fry: Sorry, I overslept.

Farnsworth: Until 5pm?

Fry: It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept me up all night with his constant thinking. Just thinking and thinking. He's trying to make me look like an idiot.

Farnsworth: Don't be jealous. Without his special hat, Guenter might be no more intelligent than you.

[Fry sighs.]

Fry: I hate that rodent!

Farnsworth: Fry, that monkey is my most important experiment. If you two don't stop fighting I'll have you both neutered.

[Fry chuckles.]

Fry: That'll show him.

[Scene: Mars University Parent's Reception. A string quartet plays in the corner of the room near a portrait of Vernon holding his model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined with old books, chandeliers and large armchairs. Guests include the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Amy is wearing a long white dress and introduces her parents to Vernon.]

Amy: Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my parents, Leo and Inez.

Vernon: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we could admit Amy in exchange for your generous contribution.

Mr. Wong: How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?

Vernon: How much you got?

[Fry scoops up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him.]

Guenter: Sorry I'm late, I was off at a study session ... with Chrissy!

[Fry carries on chewing and narrows his eyes at Guenter.]

Farnsworth: Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because in honour of parents weekend I have a special surprise for you.

[He pulls a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside.]

Guenter: [horrified] Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? [The monkeys start jumping around and shaking the cage bars. The other guests stare and Guenter covers his eyes.] This is so humiliating.

[Fry throws some bananas into the cage.]

Fry: Now these monkeys I like! [The monkeys chomp the bananas and jump around again.] What's that? You wanna come out?

[He unlocks the cage.]

Guenter: No! Stop!

[The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps into the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto a snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away.]

Chet: I say.

[Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck.]

Farnsworth: What's that they're flinging at us?

Guenter: Oh, dear Lord! All over the dean!

[He covers his face.]

Fry: Hey, uh, Guenter? Why don't you get up on the chandelier with your parents and I'll take a picture?

[Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans and runs out.]

Bender: Well, looks like the party's winding down. Let's take a road trip to Tijuana and get Fat-bot some action.

[Oily and Gearshift high-five.]

Fat-bot: It's my first time, I'm really nervous.

[He eats the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees.]

Vernon: [shouting] Robot House!

[Scene: Financial Aid Dorm Corridor. Fry and Leela stand outside Fry's and Guenter's room.]

Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.

Fry: You mean peer pressure?

[Cut to: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's and Guenter's Room. Fry opens the door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto the wall. He is holding something and points it at Fry and Leela. Fry gasps and hides behind Leela.]

Fry: Look out! He's got a gun!

[Leela turns the light on. Guenter is sat in the corner of the room surrounded by banana skins. The thing he is holding is another banana.]

Guenter: [crying] Leave me alone.

Leela: Hey, what's going on? I thought you didn't like bananas.

Guenter: [crying] Of course I do. I try so hard to fit in but seeing my parents act like that made me realise I'm just a primitive beast.

[He sobs.]

Fry: Hey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns out like their parents. I mean, look at me. My folks were honest, hard-working people.

[He snorts.]

Leela: Besides, Guenter, you're not like other monkeys. You've got the hat.

Guenter: [crying] So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't make me happy.

[He sobs some more.]

Leela: That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys could cry.

Guenter: [crying] They can't. It's all the hat.

[And some more. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]

Fry: Look, Guenter, if you're so miserable here, maybe you should just go back to the jungle.

Guenter: The jungle. But I couldn't do that to the Professor. I'm his prize experiment, and he's like a father to me.

Leela: But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father.

[Fry spits out a mouthful of punch.]
[Scene: Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. "Test Today" flashes on the board and Guenter scribbles away, hard at work. Farnsworth stands at the front with the teacher.]

Farnsworth: Look at him. I'm so proud.

Fry: Thanks, Professor!

Farnsworth: Not you.

[He presses the electrocution button and Fry screams.]

Fry: [screaming] Ow!

[Guenter looks up from his paper and sighs. He has drawn bananas all over his paper. Fry leans over and takes a peek at Guenter's paper and scribbles a crude banana on his paper. He chuckles. Guenter stares out of the window at the jungle. He shakes his head and tries to concentrate. Farnsworth watches him and smiles. Guenter looks back and forth through the window and at Farnsworth, starts hyperventilating and finally cracks. He snaps his pencil and screams. He throws off his hat, makes monkey noises and jumps through a window.]

Student: Hey!

[Guenter runs off the campus and into the jungle and Farnsworth hangs his head.]

Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break his legs?

[Scene: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's and Guenter's Room. Farnsworth stares at a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride. He strokes the picture.]

Farnsworth: [crying] Oh, poor Guenter.

Leela: So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?

[Farnsworth sniffs.]

Farnsworth: I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with faeces. He tied with Fry.

Fry: I guess he realised I was right when I told him to go back to the jungle.

Farnsworth: You what? After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain?

Fry: Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment!

Farnsworth: But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent. Tell him, Leela.

Leela: Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now here's my opinion: What we should do is...

[She leans in and whispers something to them.]

Farnsworth: What?

Leela: I said we'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide once and for all.

Farnsworth: What?

[Scene: Mars Surface. There is a Big Fraternity Raft Regatta and crowds have turned out to watch. The fratbots pull their dilapidated raft into the river alongside other frats.]

Vernon: You all know the rules. Whichever house wins the regatta becomes head of the Greek Council. And should that house currently be on any type of multiple secret probation, it will be lifted and I will be forced to serve as Grand Marshal of a parade honouring them.

[The SS Von Snoot pulls up alongside Bender's raft.]

Chet: I say, Robot House, your water craft is as ill-designed as you yourselves.

Meiderneyer: Good one, Chet!

[They laugh, chink their glasses and gulp down their champagne.]

Bender: Oh, yeah? Watch this!

[He rips the top of a keg off, downs the whole thing and belches a huge flame. He crushes the keg against his head and the Snootys stare.]

Chet: Well, I never!

Vernon: Fraternities, on your marks.

[He fires the starting gun at the fratbots' boat and it starts to deflate. The SS Von Snoot sails off.]

Bender: Hey!

[Scene: Mars Jungle. Leela cuts through some thicket and Farnsworth and Fry follow.]

Fry: Wow! The jungles on Mars look just like the jungles on Earth.

Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth?

[He laughs. Leela points up a tree.]

Leela: I see some movement up there. I think it's him.

Farnsworth: Stand back.

[He pulls a pin from a grenade and throws it into the bushes. It explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three toucans, two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of it flat on their backs.]

Leela: Oops.

Farnsworth: Don't worry. They'll be fine once the tranquiliser wears off.

[They walk on and don't notice a huge elephant fall from the tree and flatten the other creatures.]
[Time Lapse. The trio peer through some leaves.]

Fry: There's our man!

[They watch Guenter sitting on a rock looking at his reflection in a river.]

Leela: Professor, you'll offer Guenter the hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana. [She holds out the hat and banana and they take them.] We'll let him choose whether he wants to be intelligent or just a mindless animal.

[Fry chombles on the banana. Leela gives him a stern look and hands him a new one. Guenter scratches himself and sees them.]

Farnsworth: Come on, Guenter, take the hat.

Fry: No, the banana, the banana!

Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the--

Fry: Banana, banana, banana!

Leela: Wait, what's that sound?

[They hear a motorboat get closer and closer. It's the fratbots. Bender water-skis behind the repaired raft.]

Gearshift: [shouting] Hey, Bender, you sure this is a short-cut?

Bender: [shouting] Not as sure as I was an hour ago!

[The raft zooms past Leela, Fry and Farnsworth and Bender's water-skis create a wave that washes over the them and drags them into the river. The current catches them and they scream. Downriver, the fratbots come to a huge waterfall. They scream and go over the edge. They hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater. The SS Von Snoot sails past towards the finish line.]

Vernon: And the winner is ... [The fratbots appear and walk across the finish line with their raft draped around them.] ... Robot House?

[The Snooty boys suddenly fall out of their boat. Leela, Fry and Farnsworth are still heading for the waterfall. They grab onto a log.]

Farnsworth: Oh, dear Lord!

Leela: No! No!

[The log wedges itself behind a rock in the middle of the river and they stop floating towards the waterfall. They breathe a sigh of relief.]

Farnsworth: Thank God this log is sturdy. [He pats it and a bit breaks off and plunges over the edge. On the riverbank, Guenter finds the hat and banana and sniffs them both.] [shouting] Put on the hat, Guenter! You're the only one who can save us! [Guenter puts the banana on his head and tries to eat the hat.] [muttering] Stupid monkey.

[Guenter puts the hat on his knee.]

Fry: [shouting] No.

Leela: [shouting] Not there.

Farnsworth: [shouting] Keep trying.

[He puts it on his butt and Fry chuckles. Finally he puts it on his head.]

Guenter: Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's all so obvious now!

[The log starts to move.]

Leela: [shouting] Help us, Guenter!

Guenter: Oh, my goodness. [shouting] Hang on. I need to do some calculations. [He picks up the banana and draws some diagrams in the soft mud.] Got it! [He ties some vines around another log and pushes it into the river. He jumps onto it, floats down the river and throws the vine over an overhead branch. The other end dangles near the others.] Grab on!

[They do and Guenter tumbles over the edge, pulling them upwards. The vine ties itself around them and a branch.]]

Farnsworth: We're saved!

Fry: 'Preciate it, Guenter!

[Guenter holds onto the vine as he dangles halfway down the waterfall. The vine starts to break and he whimpers.]

Leela: Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter, climb up the vine. You can still save yourself.

Guenter: Why bother? I've got nothing to live for. I was miserable as a genius, and as a monkey, I was so dumb I tried to wear a hat on my butt. [Fry chuckles.] [sadly] There's just no place for me in this world. [normal] Although, on the other hand--

[The vine snaps and he screams as he plummets towards the bottom. Farnsworth, Fry and Leela watch him. He hits the water below.]

Farnsworth: Oh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well, let's go gather him up. There's no sense letting him go to waste.

[He licks his lips.]
[Time Lapse. They reach the foot of the waterfall and find Guenter still alive. His hat is bashed though.]

Fry: Guenter! You're alive!

Guenter: I guess the hat must have broke my fall.

[Farnsworth opens up the hat.]

Farnsworth: It seems to be working at only half-capacity, but I can fix it.

Guenter: No, wait! I like it like this. I actually feel sort of happy.

Farnsworth: But what about your super-intelligence?

Guenter: When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!

Farnsworth: [screaming] Nooo!

[Scene: Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon keeps his word and reluctantly heads the parade honouring the robots of ERR. Fat-bot stands at the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth and Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth pats him on the head.]

Bender: [shouting] Come on, everyone! Big party in Robot House!

[The students cheer and dance to Lloyd Williams' Shout. As they dance Animal House-esque subtitles appear under the main characters. "Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His Dead-End Delivery Job" appears under Fry; "Guenter Got His MBA And Became President Of The Fox Network" appears under Guenter; "Fat-bot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted" under Fat-bot; "Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He Never Called Again" under Leela and Vernon; "His Job Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran Off" under Bender.]
[Closing Credits.]