Transcript:I Dated a Robot

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Transcript for
I Dated a Robot
Written byEric Kaplan
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: No Humans Were Probed In The Making Of This Episode.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The Scary Door opening credits roll.]

Narrator: [voice-over; on TV] You're entering a realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter ... The Scary Door. [The scene on TV shows a man coming out of the casino.] Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.

[Smith steps out into the road and is hit by a car. He wakes up in a casino in front of a one-armed bandit. He pulls the lever and three bars come up. The machine spews coins out into his lap. He laughs.]

Smith: [on TV] A casino where I'm winning? That car musta killed me. I must be in heaven! [He plays again and wins again.] A casino where I always win? That's boring. I must really be ... in hell!

[A bearded man appears at his side.]

Sebastian Cabot: [on TV] No, Mr. Smith. You're not in heaven or hell. You're on an aeroplane.

[He pulls a curtain across. Smith looks out the window and sees a gremlin tearing up the wing.]

Smith: [on TV] There's a gremlin destroying the plane! You've gotta believe me!

Sebastian Cabot: [on TV] Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!

[He holds up a mirror and Smith sees his reflection.]

Smith: [on TV] No! [He turns to the seat next to him.] Eva Braun! Help me!

[She takes of her facemask, revealing she is a human-fly. Smith screams. All of the Planet Express staff except Fry sit watching the TV.]

Bender: Saw it comin'!

[Enter Fry.]

Fry: I just saw something incredibly cool: A big, floating ball that lit up with every colour in the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful I fell to my knees and cried.

Amy: Was it out in front of Discount Shoe Outlet?

Fry: Yeah.

Amy: They have a college kid wear that to attract customers.

Fry: Well I don't care if it was some dork in a costume. For one brief moment I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.

Amy: Big deal!

Bender: We all feel like that all the time. You don't hear us gassin' on about it.

Fry: How can you people be so blasé? Here you are in the year 3000 or so, yet you just sit around like it's the boring time I came from.

Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome and boy bands roamed the Earth?

Fry: Yeah. But now it's the distant future. Why aren't we out doing everything I ever dreamed of?

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?

Farnsworth: No. Why would I know that?

Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.

Fry: [sexfully] Everything?

Leela: Except that.

[Scene: A space station orbits a big green planet. "Sal's Wrecking Co" is painted on the side.]
[Cut to: Sal's Wrecking Co. Sal straps Fry into a seat.]

Sal: Sos your fantasies has always been to destroys a planet, huh?

Fry: Yeah, what did they ever do for me?

[He aims a gun at the planet, fires and blows the planet to pieces. He laughs while the others look on with blank expressions.]

Leela: Wow! The most humdrum activities look almost exciting through your eyes. What should we do next?

Fry: I wanna see the edge of the universe!

Amy: Ooh! That sounds cool.

Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit.

[Scene: Edge of The Universe. The ship approaches a black/white boundary.]

Farnsworth: [from ship] There it is! The edge of the universe!

[The ship cruises towards the edge of space and lands in a parking space. The crew get out and walk to a wall separating space from the whiteness after it. Fry puts some money in some binoculars and looks through them. He sees a Planet Express crew from a parallel cowboy universe wave. He and the others wave back.]

Fry: Far out! So there's an infinite number of parallel universes?

Farnsworth: No, just the two.

Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.

Bender: I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me! Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy.

[Scene: Jurassic Kiddie Park. Fry rides a Tyrannosaurus Rex.]

Fry: [shouting] Yee-haw! Bow before your master, puny mortals! [He hoots.] Giddy-up!

[He laughs and cheers. A mother and daughter look on.]

Girl: Mommy, why is that man like that?

Mother: Don't look at him!

[Fry dismounts and hops over the wall to the others.]

Fry: That was fun. Let's give him a treat!

[He puts 5c in a "Dino-Feed" machine and it dispenses a live pig. He holds it up to the dinosaur. The pig squeals.]

Leela: Keep your palms flat.

[The dinosaur gobbles up the pig. Fry laughs.]

Fry: The tongue tickles.

[He laughs some more. He pulls his arms down but his hands aren't there.]
[Scene: Outside Hand Crafters. The staff leave the store. Fry's new hands have a slightly darker skin tone.]

Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break 'em in tonight.

Farnsworth: Yes, it's been quite an hour and a half.

Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: Be invisible in a chocolate factory and be romantically linked with a celebrity.

Bender: I could pound your head till you think that's what happened.

[He pulls an iron bar out of his chest cabinet.]

Fry: OK.

Leela: Wait, hold on. It is actually possible to meet any celebrity you want.

Fry: It is?

Leela: Of course! You should read a blimp sometime.

[She points to a passing blimp advertising downloadable celebrities at nappster.com.]

Fry: [reading] Download a celebrity from the Internet? What part of that do I understand?

Leela: It's simple. You can download a celebrity's personality and appearance into a blank robot.

Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that!

[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela and Fry put on the net suits.]

Farnsworth: Onto the Internet you go!

Bender: Oh, and while you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers.

[Farnsworth connects Fry and Leela.]
[Cut to: Internet Browser. Fry and Leela materialize outside pentagon.web, a top secret site which has just been hacked by robbers wearing masks. They walk past oldtrek-vs-newtrek.web where two Trekkies argue.]

Trekkie #1: No way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass!

Trekkie #2: Yeah? At least Picard had the guts to admit he was bald!

Trekkie #1: What? You take that back!

Fry: Ooh! eBay!

[Cut to: eBay. The Milky Way galaxy is up for sale.]

Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? [He bangs his gavel.] Sold to The Being of Inconceivable Horror.

[The Being of Inconceivable Horror laughs.]

The Being of Inconceivable Horror: Will a money order be OK?

Auctioneer: Yes.

[The Being of Inconceivable Horror laughs again.]
[Cut to: Internet Browser.]

Fry: So where's the celebrity dating place?

Leela: Let's search the web. [They both look around. Leela points.] Over there.

[Leela and Fry enter nappster.com.]
[Cut to: nappster.com.]

Salesman: Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what celebrities we've got in stock. [An image of a celebrity appears in front of him.] Can I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow?

Fry: Nah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks human blood.

Salesman: Then, uh, how about Cleopatra, whose beauty destroyed mighty empires.

Fry: I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved underarms. Do you have anything with more of a Lucy-Liu-feel to it?

Salesman: Nah, nothing like that. Though we do have Lucy Liu. [Fry gasps.] Only woman ever to be named People magazine's sexiest woman of the year twice. In 2003, and then again in 2063.

Fry: I'd like the 2003 model.

[An image of Lucy Liu appears.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry and Leela take off their net helmets. Fry hoots.]

Fry: I've found her! What do I do now?

Farnsworth: Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive.

[He lifts a basic robot out of a box of ten and hands it to Fry. Fry puts it in the drive. Lucy Liu is downloaded from the net and she appears on the robot. Fry gasps.]

Fry: It worked!

Liubot: You're one sexy man, [mechanical voice] Philip J. Fry.

[She leaps into his arms and kisses him. She pushes him to the floor.]

Fry: [muffled] It worked perfectly!

[Time Lapse. Fry gawps at the Liubot.]

Leela: Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you just going to stare vacantly at her and not say anything?

[Fry guffaws.]

Liubot: I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive, [mechanical voice] Philip J. Fry.

Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me!

Farnsworth: Well, duh! She's programmed to like you!

Fry: But this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only good actress of the 21st century! She's more than just a piece of software.

Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?

Fry: Uh, not right now.

Liubot: I'll remind you later, you hot stud, you!

Fry: So, uh, what do you feel like doing?

Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?

Fry: I said later!

[Scene: Dinkin' Donuts. Fry and the Liubot date. Fry gobbles donuts.]

Fry: Then when I feel so stuffed I can't eat anymore, I just use the restroom, and then I can eat more.

Liubot: You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the [mechanical voice] can eat more.

Fry: Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies.

Liubot: My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts.

[Fry stares blankly then bites into a donut.]
[Montage: Fry and the Liubot date to Wham!'s Love Machine. First they drop steaks into the octopus tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium and the octopus eats it and wiggles it's tentacles around. Next, Fry eats a hotdog while the Liubot runs down a street with him on her shoulders. In the Planet Express lounge, Fry has a toy soldier war. He throws one at a fan and it ricochets in another direction. Liubot dives on Fry and pushes him under the table.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Liubot sit on the couch.]

Fry: You're cute!

Liubot: You're cute!

Fry: You!

Liubot: You!

Fry: You!

Liubot: You!

Fry: You!

[The staff watch.]

Farnsworth: Oh, dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's love for you.

Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision ... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life.

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela breaks the news to Fry.]

Leela: She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that--

Bender: [shaking his fist] Stay away from our women! You got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!

Fry: Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody.

Hermes: My God! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film.

Farnsworth: It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times.

[He presses a button and a film title, I Dated A Robot!, appears on the screen. In the movie a couple sit in a cafe and stare into each other's eyes. A narrator walks into the scene.]

Narrator: [in movie] Ordinary human dating. It's enjoyable and it serves an important purpose. [He turns the table over and a crying baby appears. He turns it back again.] But when a human dates an artificial mate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment. And that leads to ... tragedy.

[The woman behind him turns into a blank robot and the man downloads a celebrity onto it.]

Billy: [in movie] Neat-o! A Marilyn Monroe-bot!

Monroe-bot: [in movie] Ooh! You're a real dreamboat, [mechanical voice] Billy Everyteen.

Narrator: [in movie] Harmless fun? Let's see what happens next.

[The scene cuts to Billy's bedroom where he kisses the Monroe-bot. His mother walks through the door.]

Billy's Mom: [in movie] Billy, do you want to walk your dog?

Billy: [in movie] No thanks, Mom. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot.

[Enter his dad.]

Billy's Dad: [in movie] Billy, do want to get a paper route and earn some extra cash?

Billy: [in movie] No thanks, Dad. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot.

[The girl from the cafe, Mavis, walks in.]

Mavis: [in movie] Billy, do you want to come over tonight? We can make out together.

Billy: [in movie] Gee, Mavis, your house is across the street. That's an awfully long way to go for making out.

Narrator: [in movie] Did you notice what went wrong in that scene? Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to make money from his paper route. Then he'd use the money to buy dinner for Mavis, thus earning the slim chance to perform the reproductive act. But in a world where teens can date robots, why should he bother? Why should anyone bother? Let's take a look at Billy's planet a year later. [The scene changes and a foam hand rolls across an empty football field.] Where are all the football stars? [The foam hand drifts across an empty laboratory.] And where are the biochemists? [The scene changes to a split screen of human and robot couples making out on beds.] They're trapped! Trapped in a soft, vice-like grip of robot lips. All civilisation was just an effort to impress the opposite sex ... and sometimes the same sex. Now, let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where is Billy?

[The scene changes to a post-apocalyptic world. Billy is an aged man but still with his Monroe-bot and still making out with her.]

Billy: [in movie] Farewell!

[He dies.]

Narrator: [in movie] The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. [A fleet of flying saucers destroy buildings with laser shots.] Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't date robots!

[A "Don't Date Robots!" caption appears on the screen and the movie ends. The Space Pope is displayed on the screen with "Crocodylus Pontiflex" written around him in English and alien.]

Announcer: [voice-over; in movie] Brought to you by the Space Pope.

Leela: Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry?

[She turns around and sees Fry and Liubot making out. Liubot giggles.]

Liubot: Ooh!

[Farnsworth holds up another tape.]

Farnsworth: I knew I should have shown him Electro Gonorrhoea: The Noisy Killer.

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits in a chair and impersonates Archie Bunker from All In The Family.]

Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry's a sicko poivert, I tell you. Dating a robot! It's an atrosmacy!

Leela: But Fry's our friend, Bender.

Bender: Aw, jeez, would you stifle there, meatbag?

Leela: You stifle, Bender.

Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally you're standing up to him.

Leela: Although he is completely right.

Bender: We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay. It's time to shut down nappster.com!

[Scene: Nappster HQ. Enter Bender, Leela and Zoidberg.]

Bender: Who's in charge of this dump?

Jeff Jervis: [standing up] That'd be me. If you're an investor you can dump your money in the hole there.

Bender: Listen, you fat Internet nerd.

Jeff Jervis: Listening.

Bender: Your company promotes wrong love! If you don't shut down right now the only thing wired about you will be your jaw!

Jeff Jervis: Y-You can't shut us down. The Internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas. We've done nothing wrong.

[Lucy Liu shouts from behind a door marked "Authorized Personnel Only".]

Liu: [shouting; from room] Help! I'm being held prisoner!

Zoidberg: Someone in trouble is!

Jeff Jervis: No, stay out! There's a ... guy going for the Tetris world record in there!

[He covers the door with himself and part of a sign covering the "nappster" sign falls away, revealing that "nappster" is really "kidnappster". Bender pushes Jervis out the way and he, Leela and Zoidberg run in.]
[Cut to: Kidnappster HQ. The room is filled with the heads in jars of such celebrities as Lucy Liu, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nicole Kidman and George Michael.]

Kidman: Who are you?

Cheech: Don't hurt us!

Liu: Help me! They've been holding me prisoner for 800 years.

Zoidberg: The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of in the popcorn stadium.

Bender: So what's your problem?

Liu: Those sweaty nerds are making illegal copies of us. [Someone downloads a copy of her and she fizzles and screams.] [crying] It hurts!

[Jervis knocks on the door.]

Jeff Jervis: [from outside] Open this door! Don't make me call the maintenance guy.

Bender: It's a bluff!

Leela: We can't take that chance. Move, people, move!

Michael: Please pick me up before you go-go.

Leela: She asked first.

[She picks up Liu's jar and activates a pressure alarm. She replaces Liu's jar with that of Madeline Albright. Someone downloads her and she screams.]
[Cut to: Nerd's Bedroom. Albright is downloaded onto a blank robot. There is a table and candles in the room.]

Nerd: Um, are you Lucy Liu?

[The Albright-bot sees the table and smiles.]

Albright-bot: Sure!

[Scene: Outside Nappster HQ. Bender, Leela and Zoidberg climb out of a window with Liu's head and run away.]
[Cut to: Nappster HQ. Jervis and another man watch them on the screen.]

Jeff Jervis: Oh, we're doomed. They got the head, they uncovered the sign! Soon the whole world will learn we're cyber-criminals. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling adults.

Man: We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu, we'll give them all the Lucy Liu they can handle! Hand me that back-up disk.

[He puts the disk in the drive and changes the "Liu-Mo-Tron" setting to "Erotic Assassin".]
[Cut to: New New York City Street.]

Zoidberg: Did you see me escaping? I was all like--

[He woops.]

Liu: Thanks for rescuing me. Especially you, Bender. [sexfully] Mmm. Quite a masculine piece of metal, aren't you?

Bender: Hey! Don't look at me like that. If you're thinking of crossing the line with Bender, you can forget it. Bender don't bend that way.

Leela: Hey, look. It's another Lucy Liubot.

Liubot #2: [mechanical voice] I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.

[She leaps into the air and lands between the four.]

Zoidberg: Hey, what the--

[She kicks him then moves towards Bender and he backs away. She punches him.]

Liubot #2: [mechanical voice] Take this and that and one of these.

[She grabs him between her legs and slams him against the pavement.]

Liu: Hey! Cut it out! I don't need this kind of publicity!

[The Liubot gets up and moves towards Leela. She kicks her in the face and trips her over. Leela gets up.]

Leela: Alright, Liu. Time to kick your frosty, well-toned ass! Yah!

[She kicks her and the two fight. Leela gains the upper hand and kicks the Liubot against a fire hydrant.]

Bender: Then along came Bender.

[He turns the fire hydrant on and the Liubot starts to inflate.]

Zoidberg: Looks like you're retaining water.

[He snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer.]

Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan before he got all doughy.

Bender: Oh, shucks! I wasn't afraid of that robot. I'm pretty brave once you get past my macho exterior! [He screams. A crowd of Liubots march towards them.] It's an army of Lucy Lius!

[Leela and Zoidberg scream.]

Liu: They're horrible!

[The Liubots flip over cars and kick over mailboxes.]

Liubots: [mechanical voices] Take this and that and one of these.

[A Liubot throws a man through a window.]

Liubot #3: [mechanical voice] Robot crouching tiger.

Liubot #4: [mechanical voice] Robot crane style!

[They chase people down the street. At newsstand, Zapp reads a magazine.]

Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes!

[A Liubot grabs him by the throat.]

Liubot #5: [mechanical voice] Hi-yah.

[She throws him across the street and he lands in a sewer grate.]
[Scene: Loew's-N-Plex. Fry and his Liubot watch the 2007 classic Charlie's Angels III: The Legend of Charlie's Gold.]

Fry: This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion!

Liubot: It's amazing the way you [mechanical voice] notice two things.

Alex: [in movie] No, don't open that coffin! It's ticking!

Natalie: [in movie] I have to, Alex. That coffin's not going to open itself.

[The coffin opens itself and a vampire sits up.]

Vampire: [in movie] Bleurh!

[He explodes. Fry and Liubot make out. Enter Bender, Leela, Zoidberg and Lucy Liu.]

Liu: Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross.

Leela: Fry?

Fry: Aw, you guys came to watch me make out! That is so sweet. [He notices Liu and gasps.] Wait a minute! Is that the head of who I think it's of?

Liu: Read the jar, Evelyn Wood! Dr. Z?

[Zoidberg clacks.]

Leela: Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally?

Fry: Let me see. [He kisses her.] Yep. Why do you ask?

Alex: [in movie] Mr. Mayor, if you want to see a real vampire, look in the mirror!

Mayor: [in movie] I can't! I'm a vampire!

[The Liubots march through the screen and the audience screams. The Liubots knocks a few people over, rip up some chairs and batter people with them. One hits Zoidberg with a chair and he screams.]

Zoidberg: Why?

Leela: And Nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.

Fry: [shouting] Quick! This way!

[They all run to the projector room. The Liubots follow.]
[Cut to: Corridor. Fry turns around to the Liubots and indicates a sign.]

Fry: Sorry, ladies. Employees only.

[A Liubot eats the sign and Fry screams and runs up the stairs. They run after him. He runs into the projector room and closes the door behind him.]
[Cut to: Projector Room.]

Leela: Oh, no. They're forming a human pyramid ... of robots.

[The Liubots climb on each other.]

Bender: Damnit! We weren't counting on them being as smart as they are sexy!

Liu: A dangerous mistake to make.

[Zoidberg presses a button and a door opens, revealing a huge bag of popcorn behind it.]

Zoidberg: At least we've got food.

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag!

Zoidberg: Hooray!

Leela: And don't eat it.

[Zoidberg groans and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high pressure popcorn that shoots out of it. The popcorn flies out the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots.]

Liubot #2: [mechanical voice] Ow!

Liubot #3: [mechanical voice] System overload!

Liubot #4: [mechanical voice] Error!

Liubot #5: [mechanical voice] Does not compute.

[The popcorn submerges the Liubots and everyone cheers.]

Zoidberg: Life was bad but now it's good forever!

[The Liubots eat their way out of the popcorn and spit the kernels at the projector room like machine gun fire. Everyone screams and ducks.]

Bender: You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. [He opens his chest cabinet and takes out another head.] Get lost, Pavarotti!

[He throws the head over his shoulder and puts Liu's head in.]

Fry: Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love a computerised image of gorgeous celebrity. Which it turns out is a lot.

Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon and the stars and the [mechanical voice] poetic image number 37 not found.

[She stands up and the popcorn hits her. She walks towards the window.]

Fry: What are you doing, darling? Get down!

[The Liubot points the projector at the other Liubots. They starts to swell up.]

Liubot #3: [mechanical voice] Light hot. Oil temperature rising.

Liubot #4: [mechanical voice] Oh, no.

Liubot #5: [mechanical voice] Malfunction.

Liubot #6: [mechanical voice] This ain't good.

Liubot #7: [mechanical voice] System error.

[They explode. Fry's Liubot flickers on the floor.]

Fry: You saved us. Are you alright?

Liubot: Yes, my love. I'll be just [mechanical voice] massive corn clog in port seven.

Liu: Are you the last copy of me?

Liubot: Yes.

Liu: Erase her, Fry.

Fry: What? No!

Liu: Fry, when you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image, and in the end that's all I really have. That and the largest gold nugget in the world, one mile in diameter.

Fry: But I just downloaded her because I love you.

Liu: If you love the real Lucy Liu and not just what you've seen in movies, genre-straddling lawyer shows and kiss-ass articles in People magazine, you'll blank out that robot.

[Tears well up in Fry's eyes. The Liubot flickers.]

Fry: I'm sorry. Hug me, Liubot.

[She does. Fry reaches behind her hair and presses the "erase" button.]

Liubot: I'll always remember you, Fry-- [mechanical voice] Memory deleted.

[Her image flickers away, leaving a battered blank robot.]

Bender: I know it hurts, buddy. But at least you're not in a sick relationship with a robot anymore.

Fry: Uh-huh. And I guess now maybe I can get to know the real Lucy Liu.

Bender: Pft! Yeah, at our wedding!

Liu: It's true. Bender and I are in love.

Fry: But, but--

Bender: Don't be a prude, Fry!

[He kisses Liu's jar while Fry looks on, eyes twitching.]
[Closing Credits.]