Transcript:I Second that Emotion

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Transcript for
I Second that Emotion
Written byPatric M. Verrone
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an oval.]

Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval zooms back into a corner and is replaced by a monster that has eyes on stalks and large teeth.] ... Glagnar's Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha human!

[The monster bites one from a packet.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Made From Meat By-Products.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela picks up a large can of Kibbles 'n' Snouts and carries it over to a huge electric can opener on the wall.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Balcony. Nibbler sleeps. His third eye perks up and looks around when he hears the can opener. He runs inside.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry gets some coffee. Leela tips the can over and the meat slowly slides out from inside. Nibbler sits in his food dish and the meat falls on him and he scoffs it in a few bites.]

Leela: Aww! Somebody likes snouts.

Fry: Is it me?

[Bender wanders in humming to himself. The magnet on the can opener pulls him off the floor and starts cutting into him.]

Bender: [shouting] Ow, my head! My precious head! [Leela quickly turns the can opener off and Bender edges away from it.] [talking] Stupid can opener. You killed my father and now you've come back for me!

Fry: You alright, Bender?

[Bender rubs his head. The top half is cut like a half-open can.]

Bender: Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why we keep this ticking time-bomb around just for that dumb animal.

Leela: Don't yell at Nibbler like that. [She picks him up.] You hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him and make up.

Bender: [turning away] No.

Leela: I said pet him.

Bender: I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both hands! [Nibbler leaps out of Leela's hands and bites Bender's shiny metal ass.] Ow! My ass! Get off!

[Nibbler lets go.]

Leela: Are you alright?

Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.

Leela: Not you. [She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.] Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.

[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]

Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it.

[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down and stands up from the table.]

Zoidberg: [reluctant] Alright, I'm coming.

[Scene: Animal Clinic Waiting Room. A man sits stroking a cat, a cat sits stroking a man and Leela sits with Nibbler while Fry and Bender stand nearby. A door opens and a woman comes out with a two-headed dog, followed by the vet, Jeffery Grant.]

Jeffery: Remember, Rover gets the pill and Pepper gets the suppository. [The woman leaves.] Next.

[Scene: Animal Clinic Examination Room. Veterinary surgeries haven't changed much in a thousand years; there is a sink, a paper towel dispenser and an examination table in the middle of the room, which Nibbler sits on. Jeffery fetches a small hammer and taps Nibbler on the head with it, making him squeal. He looks in his mouth.]

Jeffery: It's just a simple broken fang, nothing serious.

Bender: What's that you say there, doctor? You're gonna have to put him down?

Jeffery: No-- What? Huh?

[He looks at Fry and Leela in confusion. Bender shakes his head.]

Bender: Terrible shame that. Shall I do the honours?

[He reaches up to a shelf and takes down a bottle with some pink liquid in it marked "Goose Laxative". He holds the bottle by it's neck, smashes it on a table and points it at Nibbler. Leela reaches across.]

Leela: No!

[She rips Bender's arm off and smacks it against the table until it lets go of the broken bottle.]

Bender: You about done?

Leela: Next time I'm keeping it.

[She tosses the arm over her shoulder and Bender reattaches it.]

Jeffery: OK, well I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room. [He walks through a door and doesn't close it. Fry, Leela and Bender step back in horror when they hear an animal growling. Jeffery struggles with the growling creature and glass breaks. He flails his legs around and runs back into the examination room. The door closes. His shirt is ripped and blooded and he has a bruised eye.] The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but luckily he knocked one of my teeth out. [He chuckles.] Now then.

[He pulls out the broken crown of Nibbler's fang and sets it down on a table. Fry picks it up.]

Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?

[Jeffery attaches Nibbler's new tooth with a laser.]

Jeffery: Um, I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age.

[Fry laughs.]

Fry: Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings.

[Jeffery takes a look.]

Jeffery: He's five.

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. A "Happy 5th Birthday Nibbler" banner has been strung up on the wall.]

Farnsworth: Happy birthday, young Nibbler.

[Everyone is sat on the floor surrounded by opened presents. The room has been decorated with balloons and streamers and Fry sticks a picture to the wall. Nibbler scratches himself and runs around.]

Leela: Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his new cape!

Bender: [sarcastic] I'd be cuddly too if someone gave me a new cape.

Fry: Who's playing pin the tail on the moon maggot?

[Bender snatches a tail from his hand.]

Bender: Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am. [He closes his eyes and uses his cheating unit to pinpoint the exact place the tail should go. He pins it on, opens his eyes and cheers.] And the crowd goes wild! What prize do I get? Cash?

[He turns around. No one is interested.]

Amy: Hey, look at Nibbler!

[Nibbler is sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon.]

Hermes: Aww, he's holding a spoon.

Zoidberg: He's so talented!

Bender: You call that talent? Gather round old Bender and get ready for the show of a lifetime. [He takes off his head, whistles Sweet Georgia Brown and spins his head like a Globetrotter then reattaches it.] Ta-da!

[He grumbles when no one watches. Leela puts a pointy party hat on Nibbler and his third eye pops out of the top. Hermes gasps.]

Hermes: Now he's wearing a hat!

Leela: Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!

[They do, all except Bender.]

All: [singing] What day is today?
It's Nibbler's birthday,
What a day for a birthday,
Let's all have some cake.

Fry: [singing] And you smell like one too!

[He giggles and they all applaud.]

Bender: Hey, what about this?

[He dances around and whistles Sweet Georgia Brown again.]

Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party.

Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler.

Leela: Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.

Bender: So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake you'll never forget.

[Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender takes some rat poison out of a cupboard and laughs insanely as he tips it onto something. It turns out he is pouring it next to a hole in the bottom of the wall.]

Bender: That'll take care of those annoying rats. [He puts it back in the cupboard.] Now, to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me.

[He whistles Sweet Georgia Brown as he walks to the fridge and takes two eggs out of a 12-pack of various grade bird eggs. He juggles them around, then rolls them across his shoulders and into a bowl. He tips in some flour, some Third & Third & Third and then uses his hand to whisk the mixture. He pours the mixture into a cake tin, puts the tin in his chest cabinet and switches it from "refrigerate" to "E-Z bake", closes the door and hums as it cooks.]
[Time Lapse. Bender ices the 5-tier birthday cake and puts a little Bender ornament on the top.]

Bender: There! This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable. Now all I have to do is spell check it and it's ready for my admiring public. [He turns around and washes his hands. While his back is turned Nibbler hops around the worktops and starts sniffing the cake. Bender turns around and sees.] No! Get away from there! [Nibbler gobbles up the cake and Bender screams. Nibbler burps.] That's it.

[Scene: Planet Express: Bathroom. Bender carries Nibbler in holding him by his eyestalk and lifts the toilet seat lid.]

Bender: Happy birthday!

[He drops Nibbler in and flushes the toilet. Nibbler starts turning. Enter Leela.]

Leela: Bender, what's going-- [She gasps when she sees Nibbler disappear.] [crying] No!

Bender: Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table crying with the rest of the staff gathered around her.]

Amy: Bender! How could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?

[Bender sits on a chair with his feet on the table smoking a cigar.]

Bender: Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men?

Leela: [crying] Aren't you upset at all? How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?

Bender: Only one way to find out.

Leela: [crying] You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings.

Bender: Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry for you.

Leela: You do?

Bender: Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady.

[Leela cries some more.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Bathroom. Everyone except Bender stands around the toilet. Leela dabs her eyes with a tissue.]

Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I too hope one day to go: The toilet.

[Leela sobs and Fry nods to Hermes, who places a lily into the toilet. He nods back to Fry and he flushes the lily away.]

Leela: [crying] I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender just understood the pain he caused me.

[They hear Bender laughing.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. They peer around the door. Bender watches All My Circuits. Calculon is lying in a hospital bed.]

Calculon: [on TV] Give it to me straight, doctor, don't sugarcoat it.

Doctorbot: [on TV] Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer.

[Bender laughs and kicks his legs.]

Bender: Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon!

[Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom.]

Amy: It's like he doesn't understand simple humanoid emotion.

Leela: I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel.

Farnsworth: Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged.

Fry: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy experiment that crosses a line Man was not meant to cross?

[Farnsworth makes the "little bit" gesture.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender watches the news.]

Linda: [on TV] The official death toll in that tragic rocket crash has now been raised to 54,000.

[Bender sniggers and Fry, Hermes and Zoidberg grab him and pin him to the table. Farnsworth unscrews his head.]

Bender: Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head?

[Farnsworth carries him across the room.]

Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it.

Bender: Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?

Farnsworth: Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy chip.

[He holds up a little green chip in a pair of pliers.]

Fry: And that'll allow Bender to feel other people's emotions?

Farnsworth: Yes. If by "allow" you mean "force".

[He screws Bender's head into a vice and starts hammering the chip into the side of it.]

Bender: Ooh! Ow! Son of a-- Careful with that! Ow...

Farnsworth: [hammering] Oh, dear. Oh, my. I got it. Once more.

Bender: Ow! Professor!

Farnsworth: [hammering] Steady now.

Bender: Ow!

Farnsworth: There we go. [He takes Bender's head out of the vice and rejoins it to his body.] Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.

[He turns the chip with a screwdriver. It beeps.]

Bender: My God! I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.

Zoidberg: That's me, baby!

Farnsworth: Hmm.

[He turns the chip again.]

Bender: Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her.

Amy: Uh ... that's me.

[She raises her hand and Fry leans back.]

Fry: [whispering] Thanks for covering.

[Farnsworth turns the chip again.]

Bender: This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.

Amy: Bingo!

Hermes: That's Leela!

Leela: Thank you, Professor. I'm happy that Bender can finally feel my pain.

[The chip beeps.]

Bender: Happy. I like this feeling. Just don't revert to your usual mopey self.

Leela: I'm not mopey. You shut up!

[The chip beeps.]

Bender: Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!

[He laughs and Leela cries. The chip beeps and he cries too.]
[Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are on a girl's night out. Leela wears a blue dress and Amy wears a green top.]

Leela: Thanks for taking me out, Amy. I feel slightly less miserable already.

Amy: Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get a puppy.

Leela: A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies.

[She bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. They sit watching TV and Bender suddenly cries.]

Fry: What's your problem?

Bender: [crying] I miss Nibbler.

Fry: You do?

Bender: Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings. [He picks up a bottle of Olde Fortran.] Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person?

[He cries and drinks from the bottle.]
[Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and a Hispanic guy dance closely. Leela drums her fingers and growls.]
[Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Bender's chip beeps.]

Bender: Uh-oh, jealousy. [He stands up and points at Fry.] [shouting] You think you're so hot!

Fry: What?

Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!

[He slaps Fry, making him drop his Slurm.]

Fry: [crying] They're just responding to my personality.

[Cut to: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela is still sat at the bar. The guy has his arm around Amy.]

Amy: Um, Leela? Armando and I are going to the back seat of his car for coffee. You gonna be alright here by yourself?

Leela: [theatrical happiness] Sure. I'm having a great time -- really. You two go enjoy yourselves.

[They leave.]
[Scene: Fry's and Bender's Lounge.]

Bender: [crying] I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream. [He walks off.] [crying] A bucket of--

[He sobs.]

Fry: [shouting] The spoon's in the foot powder.

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. A tear streams down Leela's face as she looks at a photo of her and Nibbler in one of those things at a beach where the head is cut out. Bender and Fry watch from the doorway. Bender sighs.]

Bender: I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.

Fry: Too bad he wasn't an alligator. Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers.

Bender: Really?

Fry: Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely-believed fact.

Bender: Hmm, sewers. [He scratches his chin.] Thinking, thinking, thinking.

[Scene: Planet Express: Bathroom. He stands in the toilet.]

Bender: Hang on, Nibbler. Uncle Bender's coming to save you. [He flushes the toilet but doesn't go anywhere.] Damn, it's too small. [He climbs out of it.] What did those human design this for anyway? [He disconnects his left arm, drops it down the toilet and flushes it away.] Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero! [He spins his head off and flushes it.] See you on the other side!

[His body waves goodbye. Someone knocks on the door.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry pounds on the door.]

Fry: Bender? Bender?

[Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom. He forces the door open.]

Fry: Have you seen my sombrero?

[He gasps as Bender's right arm flushes itself away.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table.]

Leela: Now he's flushed himself down the toilet? Who's he gonna flush next?

Fry: Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad.

Leela: You're right. I feel terrible.

Fry: Oh, great, now you're making him feel worse!

Leela: I guess we'd better go down into the sewers and look for him.

Amy: Are you crazy? There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive.

Zoidberg: They're hideous!

[He screams and clacks his claws at her.]

Leela: There's no such thing as mutants. That's a ridiculous urban myth.

[Farnsworth spins around in his chair.]

Farnsworth: Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive run-off and good old American faeces!

[Fry holds his hand to his heart.]

Fry: God bless America.

[Scene: New New York City Street. In the middle of the road outside the Planet Express building, Leela lifts a manhole cover with a picture of Thurgood Stubbs from The PJs engraved on it. Fry peers down the hole as she drags it away.]

Fry: Phew! Uh, ladies first.

[She pushes him down the hole and he screams before splashing into the sewer water below.]
[Cut to: New New York City Sewers. Leela peers down the hole and Fry splutters and spits.]

Fry: Oh, and the aftertaste!

[Time Lapse. Leela and Fry crawl through the pitch black tunnels. Fry lights a match and screams.]

Leela: What is it?

Fry: I burned my finger.

[Time Lapse. They float down the sewer river on an inflatable yellow raft pointing flashlights around.]

Leela: OK, check the guidebook.

[Fry shines his torch onto a page of "Let's Go Sewers".]

Fry: Looks like we're under Park Avenue. Ooh, ritzy! Just think: All this was probably once a charity luncheon for the Met.

[A noise comes from down the sewers.]

Leela: Wait, what's that?

[They shine their torches down the tunnels and see Bender at the other end trying to reattach his limbs. He has put his right arm in his right leg socket and his right leg to the right arm socket. He groans.]

Bender: I never should have thrown out the manual.

Leela: Bender, you didn't have to come down here.

Bender: I know. But I just missed Nibbler so much.

Leela: [crying] He was so cute.

[The chip beeps.]

Bender: [crying] He was so sweet.

[They hug.]

Fry: Eck! This emotional display is making me nauseous. [He points the torch at something in the water.] Or maybe it's whatever that is.

[Time Lapse. The trio sit in the raft as it carries on through the sewers. Bender's arms and legs are in the right place.]

Leela: [shouting] Nibbler?

Bender: [shouting] Nibbler?

[Leela sighs.]

Leela: It's no use. We'd better turn back. Which way, Fry?

Fry: Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through ... that pipe. [He points his torch at an extremely thin pipe. Bender and Leela glare at him.] Don't worry. It gets wider after about a mile.

[Leela and Bender look at each other and the chip beeps.]

Leela: [simultaneous] Idiot.

Bender: [simultaneous] Idiot.

[Fry sighs.]

Fry: OK, OK, never mind. I'll just ask those people for directions.

[He points the torch at some hideous creatures who have extra bodily features such as arms, eyes, noses, hands. They growl.]

Leela: [shouting] Mutants!

[Fry screams, then Leela, then, after his chip has beeped, Bender.]
[Time Lapse. Leela, Fry and Bender stand in the sewer water staring at the mutants.]

Leela: Mutants! They're real!

[She and Bender flinch. Fry pushes them aside.]

Fry: I'll take care of this! [He sets the end of the guidebook alight and points it at the mutants.] Back! Back!

[One of the mutants, Vyolet, a hideous woman with green scaly skin, a snout and gills, steps forwards and uses the flaming guidebook to light her cigarette. She smokes it and smoke comes out of her gills.]

Vyolet: Thanks, handsome.

[A mutant, called Dwayne, with a huge forehead and two noses steps forward.]

Dwayne: Please, do not be frightened, we're harmless.

Raoul: I have three arms.

Dwayne: I said "harmless" not "armless".

Vyolet: Lay off him. You know he's only got one ear.

Fry: Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating our brains? You're mutants.

Dwayne: Mutants? Perhaps it is you who are the mutants.

Vyolet: Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a mirror lately?

[Scene: Mutant Village. The mutants lead Fry, Leela and Bender down the tunnels and into an open space with buildings and other mutants.]

Raoul: Welcome to our village. It may not be Paris but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world.

Bender: You guys realise you live in a sewer, right?

Dwayne: Perhaps. But perhaps your civilisation is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you.

Leela: No, we're on the top.

Fry: Daylight and everything.

[Dwayne groans.]

Vyolet: It must be wonderful.

Bender: Eh.

[He makes the "middle-of-the-road" gesture.]

Leela: Listen. We actually came down here to find our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed down the toilet.

Raoul: Well if he got flushed down the toilet he probably came through here. Everything always does. Follow me. [He opens an umbrella and Fry, Leela and Bender follow him, covering themselves.] All that is ours was once flushed down your toilets. Over there is our aquarium. [He points at a fish tank with eight fish and a yellow bird floating dead on the top.] This is our library.

[The library is just a shelf. Bender looks at what is on offer.]

Bender: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.

[He holds up Atlas Shrugged.]

Raoul: And over here is our church.

[Cut to: Mutant Church. Fry opens the door and looks around. In front of the altar is a huge nuclear warhead.]

Fry: Wow. You guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb?

[Cut to: Mutant Village.]

Vyolet: Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.

[Time Lapse. The group walk down a street and pass many dry cleaners.]

Leela: [shouting] Nibbler?

Bender: [shouting] Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums.

Fry: So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet survive down here?

Vyolet: No. That's just an urban legend.

Bender: [pointing] Then what are those?

Vyolet: Crocodiles.

[She snorts.]

Raoul: We keep them as pets. Then, when they grow too large, we flush them down into the sub-sewer.

[He points to a huge toilet in the middle of the mutant town.]

Dwayne: Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there.

Vyolet: Please, that's just a sub-urban legend.

Dwayne: Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe in ... [He snatches Fry's torch and shines it under his chin, emphasising his hideous-ness.] ... El Chupanibre.

[The other mutants gasp.]

Leela: El Chupanibre? What's that?

[Dwayne strums a guitar.]

Dwayne: Gather round, children, for the legend of El Chupanibre.
(singing) He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush,
Silent as a low-flow toilet flush,
Watch your step,
'Cause sooner or later,
He'll eat you whole,
And half your alligator.

Vyolet: Crocodile.

Dwayne: Whatever.

[Vyolet snorts.]

Leela: Wait. Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile. It's his favourite treat. He must be El Chupanibre.

Bender: Hey, yeah!

Raoul: You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre upon us? Then you are our sworn enemies.

[The growling mutants surround them.]

Leela: You don't understand. He would never hurt people. Let us help you capture him.

Dwayne: Impossible. If the legend is true, our only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice.

Raoul: Yes. An unspoiled virgin.

Leela: [raising her hand] I volunteer.

Vyolet: Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's webpage.

[Bender laughs and Leela looks sad. Bender's chip beeps and he groans.]

Bender: Oh, I made myself feel bad.

Raoul: She'll have to do. Chain her to the post! [Dwayne padlocks the chains around Leela. She stands under a shaft of light and faces a long, wide sewer pipe.] And rip her shirt a little. [Dwayne tears it a little and walks away.] Behold. When El Chupanibre comes for the, uh, "virgin", he will be snared by this rope trap.

Dwayne: [quietly] Shh. El Chupanibre comes soon. It is nightfall.

Leela: Nightfall? How can you tell down here?

[Splashing noises echo around the village.]

Dwayne: The tide is coming in.

[Vyolet lies with her ear to the water.]

Vyolet: Quiet! The beast approaches.

[Loud bangs come from the pipe as El Chupanibre gets closer. The mutants, Fry and Bender scarper. Fry dives behind some boxes and Bender and Dwayne join him. Raoul runs into a building and draws the curtains across him. El Chupanibre's shadow appears and Leela gasps. The huge shadow gets smaller and it turns out to be Nibbler.]

Bender: Nibbler! Aw, come here, precious! [He picks up Nibbler.] Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre.

Dwayne: That's not El Chupanibre.

Bender: Say what?

Dwayne: That's El Chupanibre.

[He points to a huge green monster standing in the pipe looking down on Bender. It has fangs and yellow bloodshot eyes. Bender looks round, screams, drops Nibbler and runs away.]

Fry: I'll take care of this.

[He steps into the rope trap and screams as it lifts him off the ground and leaves him dangling overhead. El Chupanibre gets closer to Nibbler. Leela screams, making Bender scream.]

Leela: Bender, do something.

Bender: I'm too scared.

Fry: Leela, your scaredness is being transmitted straight to Bender. If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him!

Leela: I can't. I love every living creature.

Fry: Even me?

Leela: As a friend.

Fry: Damn.

[Leela cries.]

Bender: Listen to me, Leela: I'm an expert at not caring. The secret is to stop giving a rat's ass about anyone else and start thinking of the things that you want, that you deserve, that the world owes you.

[El Chupanibre edges closer to Nibbler.]

Leela: Well, I could use a new tank top.

Bender: Bigger! Bigger!

Leela: A fashionable tank top. And designer boots ... encrusted with jewels.

Bender: Don't stop now, you'll need some pants to go with that outfit.

Leela: Yeah. And I could afford it all if I didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler.

[Bender's chip beeps.]

Bender: Bender is back. I'll save you, Nibbler.

[He kicks Nibbler out the way and rotates his arms. El Chupanibre grabs them and pulls them off. Bender groans. El Chupanibre grabs him and lifts him towards it's mouth.]

Fry: Bender's gonna be killed!

Leela: You know what else I could use? A weekend at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone.

[El Chupanibre prepares to eat Bender. Bender's detached arms tap it on the shoulder and it looks around. They punch it and it drops Bender. Bender charges at it and knocks it flying into the huge toilet. His arms flush the monster away and everyone cheers.]

Fry: [cheering] Yeah!

Leela: You did it!

Raoul: Let's have a tissue-tape parade!

Bender: No, thanks!

[Dwayne unties Leela and another mutant cuts Fry down. He falls into the water and splutters. Nibbler runs towards Leela and jumps into her arms and licks her. Dwayne sits on the toilet with his guitar.]

Dwayne: Gather round, children, to hear the legend of Bender.
[He strums the guitar.]
(singing) He came from above with a--
[A string snaps and he sighs.]
(talking) It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another guitar string.

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Leela and Bender are back and everyone is with them. Bender holds a cigar.]

Farnsworth: That was a disgusting story.

Leela: And it's all thanks to Bender. I love you, Bender.

Bender: I love you too. [He turns to Farnsworth.] Get that stupid chip out of me before I kill myself!

[Farnsworth prises the chip off with a screwdriver and looks at it.]

Farnsworth: Bender, you won't believe this, but the empathy chip burned out. The emotion you felt for Nibbler was actually your own.

Fry: Looks like Bender learned an important lesson about respecting other people's feelings afterall.

[Everyone else nods and murmurs in agreement.]

Farnsworth: No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was running at triple capacity.

Bender: And I still barely felt anything. Goodnight, losers!

[He walks out.]

Leela: You know, Bender may not have learned anything from me, but I think I actually learned something from him. [She stands up and heads for the door.] [shouting] So long, jerkwads!

Farnsworth: [waving] So long!

[Closing Credits.]