Transcript:Roswell that Ends Well

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Transcript for
Roswell that Ends Well
Written byJ. Stewart Burns
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Fun For The Whole Family. Except Grandma And Grandpa.]
[Scene: A star glows brightly in the night sky of Earth. The ship flies towards the star and stops a short distance from it.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender, Leela and Farnsworth sit on the couch and Fry and Zoidberg stand at either side.]

Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky!

Bender: Yeah! Anyone who misses this will regret it the rest of his life. Hey, Fry, could you go make some popcorn?

Fry: OK.

[He leaves.]
[Scene: Ships Galley. Fry picks up a packet of "Iffy Pop" and tears the top off.]

Fry: Let's go, microwave, I'm in a hurry here! [He opens the door and hesitates before he puts it in.] Hm? [He reads the "Warning: Do Not Put In Microwave" label, tears it off and chuckles. He puts the packet in the microwave and presses the button. The popcorn fizzles and blue light leaks out of the microwave and begins to engulf the room.] Hey, what smells like blue?

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: [shouting] Fry, get up here! It's starting!

Farnsworth: Focus!

[Leela twiddles his glasses and he smiles, satisfied.]
[Scene: The star explodes and a wave of red light moves out from it. It hits the ship.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Red light engulfs the cockpit and the crew gasp. The red light reaches the consoles.]

Bender: Oh, boy!

Leela: Oh!

[The consoles fizzle and crackle. The blue light from the galley enters the cockpit and moves towards the red light. The crew scream more. Enter Fry from the galley hatch.]

Fry: Hey, which crazy thing happening are you guys screaming about?

[The blue and red light meet and discharge energy. The ship shakes and disappears in a flash.]
[Scene: Time Hole. The ship flies through the blue and white tunnel and the ship shakes.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry hangs onto the couch. The clock rapidly counts down from September 21st, 3002.]
[Cut to: Time Hole. The ship passes hundreds of different types of clock.]
[Scene: The time hole opens and ship emerges from the terminus.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew are disorientated. Zoidberg groans.]

Zoidberg: My head is spinning.

[The microwave pings.]

Fry: Ooh! My popcorn's done!

[Scene: Ships Galley. Fry opens the microwave and finds an entire corncob.]

Fry: Aw! It's less popped than ever.

Leela: I don't know what happened, but we've taken on a lot of clocks. [She indicates the clocks on the floor.] Let's get back home.

[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship flies towards Earth.]

Leela: Why is there so little traffic around Earth?

[Farnsworth looks at a screen.]

Farnsworth: And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.

["Warning" displays on the screen and a klaxon beeps. Zoidberg holds his claws to his head.]

Zoidberg: Such noises!

Leela: Oh, no! There's no global positioning signal! Navigation is failing.

Fry: We're gonna crash!

Leela: Not if I can help it! [The engines cut out.] Oh, I guess I can't. Everyone, put on your seatbelts.

[Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg sit down and belt up. Leela puts hers on.]

Bender: Ah, those things cost more lives than they save.

[Scene: Desert. The ship loses altitude fast and crashes into a rock outcrop. Bender flies through the windscreen.]
[Time Lapse. Bender is scattered over a wide area. Fry finds his severed head.]

Fry: Bender, are you OK?

Bender: I dunno. I'll try to move my feet.

[One of his feet, several yards away, moves.]

Leela: Alright, here's the plan: Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take five.

[They head back to the ship and Zoidberg starts recovering Bender. He uses Bender's arm as a pick-up stick and puts the bits in his chest cabinet.]
[Time Lapse. Later that night, a wolf howls and Zoidberg is still going.]

Zoidberg: And Zoidberg picks up another piece. The crowd goes wild! [He mimes a cheering crowd. Car headlights shine in his eyes and he shields them.] What is?

[Scene: Outside Airbase. Trucks drive through the gates.]
[Scene: Airbase Hangar. A table covered by a sheet is in the middle of the empty building. Two men approach it.]

Man: General, in all my years of covering top secret discoveries with sheets, I've never dramatically revealed anything as shocking as this. Dun-dun-dun! The debris from an alien spaceship.

[He pulls the sheet away revealing bits of Bender on the table. The general picks up Bender's arm.]

General: Son, I think I can safely say--

[He screams.]

Man: As you can see, 1947 is going to be an eventful year for the town of ... Roswell, New Mexico.

[Scene: Desert. Men in radiation suits scan the area with metal detectors. Another two scan Bender's arm with a Geiger counter. The arm steals a wallet from one man's pocket. Behind them the ship is still stuck on the outcrop but none of the men notice.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Farnsworth, Fry and Bender's head look at a console.]

Farnsworth: Remarkable! According the high-precision digital chronograph it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar.

Bender: Wait a second. You mean we travelled through time?

Farnsworth: Doy! Some idiot must have put metal in the microwave--

Fry: Yo!

Farnsworth: And the microwave radiation, combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself.

[Enter Leela with a newspaper. She slaps it down on the console.]

Leela: Have you seen today's news?

Bender: High school gym renovations on schedule? What a load!

Leela: No, over here! [She points at the headline.] [reading] Flying saucer captured!

[Bender sees the picture of a man holding his torso.]

Bender: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass!

Fry: My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell ... was us!

Farnsworth: And the alien they captured was ... was...

[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. Men open a crate. Zoidberg is inside behind some bars. He waves.]

Zoidberg: Hello! [The general winces.] So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.

[The general and the other man look at each other.]
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Farnsworth and Fry look at a display of the time hole on a screen.]

Farnsworth: Yes, we tore the universe a new space-hole alright! But it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to get back to our own time is to go through it in, oh, say ... [He looks at his watch.] ... exactly 24 hours.

[Leela blowtorches the steering wheel.]

Leela: No problem. The ship's fixed except for the cup holder and I should have that operational within 10 hours.

Farnsworth: You've got eight! But a more urgent concern is the microwave. [He picks up the charred microwave.] Without a working one we have no hope of returning to the future.

Leela: Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave somewhere around here. [She turns to Fry.] Meanwhile, you guys sneak onto the army base and rescue Bender's body.

Fry: Hey, and while we're on the base, I'll visit my grandfather, Enos. He was stationed at Roswell.

Farnsworth: Your grandfather? [He leaps up.] Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey. You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it. In which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!

Fry: Got it.

Farnsworth: If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.

[Fry gasps.]

Fry: But existing is basically all I do!

[Scene: Airbase Hangar. The men watch Zoidberg sleep on the table.]

General: What is your purpose here?

[Zoidberg wakes up.]

Zoidberg: [drowsy] Alright, Officer, I'll move along.

Man: What the general means is why did you come to Earth?

Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.

[Scene: Outside Airbase. Fry and Bender's head hide behind a Jeep just outside the base. Fry gets out a can of all-purpose spray and sprays on a pair of boots, a pair of trousers and a shirt.]
[Cut to: Airbase. Fry walks around the base.]

Sergeant: [shouting] Enos! [Fry gasps and takes Bender's eyes off his head and uses them to zoom in. He sees Enos and a sergeant yelling at him.] Private, I want that toilet bowl so clean I could eat off it! 'Cause I intend to!

Enos: Well gadzooks, Sarge!

[The sergeant continues yelling.]

Fry: It's him! It's my grandfather, Enos.

Sergeant: [shouting] Now prepare my lunch and place it in the latrine at twelve-hundred hours!

[The sergeant walks away and Enos walks towards the kitchen. A Jeep slowly drives towards him and Fry gasps.]

Fry: That Jeep's gonna hit him! And I won't exist anymore! [Screaming, he runs and pushes Enos out of the way of the slow-moving Jeep, which turns right before it gets to them.] Are you crazy? You almost got yourself run over!

Enos: I did? Then I sure am lucky you knocked me onto this pile of rusty bayonets!

Bender: Pst! Fry! Stop interfering with history. I don't wanna have to memorise a lot of new kings when I get back.

Fry: [whispering] I had no choice; I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

[Enos gets up and dusts himself off.]

Enos: Well, thanks, soldier. I'm off to make Sarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken, best part of the job! [He licks his fingers.] Mmm! Finger-licking good!

Fry: That's it! This place is too dangerous. We gotta get you out of here! [He stoops to Enos's crotch.] [shouting] Everything's gonna be alright, Dad!

Enos: Well gadzooks! I'd better ask Sarge.

Fry: [shouting] No time! Run! Run to safety!

[They run into an open area, past a sign that reads "Bombing Range (Formerly Minefield)". They dodge exploding mines and bombs, screaming.]
[Scene: Observation Room. The general and the man stand behind a one-way mirror in a room filled with computers and other equipment.]

Man: This experiment will determine what food, if any, the alien eats.

[Cut to: Clean Room. Zoidberg enters back to front. He turns around and sees the food on a table.]

Zoidberg: A buffet! Oh, if only I had my wallet with me!

[Cut to: Observation Room. The man presses an intercom.]

Man: Um, it's free.

[Zoidberg squeals and gorges on the food. It splatters up against the mirror. The men peer into the room and recoil in horror as Zoidberg splatters himself against the window and licks the food off.]

General: Get me the President.

[Scene: Sears-Roebuck. In the department store, Farnsworth and Leela look around. Leela has her hair done up in a beehive, wears a pink dress and a pair of enormous shades over her eye. Farnsworth wears an orange pimp suit and waves his bling around.]

Leela: Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him. [She approaches a salesman.] Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.

Salesman: Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the "Deluxe Gas Princess". [He indicates an oven.] This beauty has four broilers, a casserole indicator, a fold-out ironing board and, down here, a foot-soaking tub. Since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day.

[Leela glares the man and opens the oven door on his knee. He screams.]

Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again: Where can we find a mi-cro-wave?

Salesman: Sir, your wife's hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning fast. It takes only five hours to cook a roast.

Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news! You know, you really don't cook enough roasts, Leela. [Leela turns the gas hob on and sets fire to Farnsworth's tie. He turns to the salesman.] Women!

[Scene: Roswell Street. Fry and Enos walk.]

Fry: Thank God I got you off that dangerous army base.

Enos: You sure are the helpful type, stranger. Say, you got anything to eat in that there lunchbox? [He reaches into Bender's head and takes out some microchips.] Ooh! Snacks!

[He puts them in his mouth and winces as he chews.]

Bender: Hey! That's my brain!

[Fry puts Bender's head in a sack, muffling his words.]

Enos: Damn! Them crackers cut my mouth up somethin' bad! Let's stop off for a malt.

[Scene: Joe's Malts. Fry and Enos sit at a table.]

Enos: See that waitress there?

Fry: Yowza! I know what I want for dessert!

Enos: That's my fiancée, Mildred.

Fry: Grandma Mildred? Uh, no dessert! Just coffee.

Mildred: Okie-doke. And for you, Snuggums?

Enos: Uh, I'll have a pie with a fried egg on top.

[Mildred kisses him and leaves.]

Fry: She sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away.

Enos: Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling you're only going with girls 'cause you're supposed to?

Fry: What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please! Just concentrate on staying alive. [A flame in the kitchen flares and Fry gasps.] Fire! Look out! [He leans forward and knocks the table over. The cutlery slides off and a knife lands inches from Enos's crotch.] Oh! You almost got neutered.

Enos: Well it ain't as bad as getting killed.

Fry: For me it is! [He stands up.] I'm getting you outta here!

[He grabs Enos.]

Enos: Ow!

[They run out. Mildred watches and sighs.]
[Scene: Desert. Fry drives a Jeep out to the desert and stops outside a shack.]
[Scene: Shack.]

Fry: OK, we're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere. Just stay put and enjoy this calendar.

[He puts the pin-up from the ship above the fireplace. Enos flips it over to a picture of a man. Fry sternly turns it back to the woman.]
[Scene: Desert. Fry locks the shack door, gets in the Jeep and drives away.]

Fry: Safe and sound! Finally, I can continue to exist.

[He drives past an "Atomic Test In Progress" sign. In a small building, three men watch and one counts down.]

Man #2: Three, two, one.

[An atomic bomb goes off.]
[Cut to: Shack. Enos looks at the picture of the man but is distracted by the glow coming through the window.]
[Cut to: Desert. The shockwave tears the shack apart. In the Jeep, Fry looks in the mirror and sees the mushroom cloud. He stops and looks back.]

Bender: And you are outta here!

[Scene: Joe's Malts. Leela and Farnsworth look at the menus.]

Mildred: What'll you folks have today?

Farnsworth: I'll have the soylent green, with a slice of soylent orange and some soylent coleslaw.

Mildred: Pardon?

Leela: [whispering] It's the 20th century, Professor.

Farnsworth: Oh, right! I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills and a stein of mead.

Leela: I'll just have a small injection of Femislim.

Mildred: Uh, two chilli dogs comin' up.

[She walks away.]

Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave we're trapped in this time period.

Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

[Leela looks through the window.]

Leela: Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base. We could steal it!

Farnsworth: No! That would alter history. Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was.

[Enter Fry in his normal clothes.]

Fry: Well, I killed my grandfather.

Farnsworth: Wha?

Leela: Wait. If you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?

Fry: I dunno. Maybe God loves me.

[Bender laughs. Mildred takes a phone call.]

Mildred: Killed? In an atomic blast? [crying] No, sir, I'm afraid I don't take much solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.

[She hangs up and sobs. Fry puts his hand on her shoulder.]

Fry: Aw. There, there. If it makes you feel any better, his body was vaporised so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.

Mildred: [crying] I'm not worried about that.

Fry: Then you're a braver woman than I.

Mildred: You remind me of Enos. Would you mind walking me home?

Fry: Uh, how far is it?

[Scene: Airbase. A plane lands on the runway.]
[Time Lapse. A crate of canned eggs is unloaded. President Truman kicks it open and emerges from it.]

General: Welcome to Roswell, President Truman.

Truman: Fellas, this visit's top secret. No one's to know about it except the senior officers ... [They salute.] ... scientists ... [They nod.] ... and a single conspiracy nutter no one will believe.

[A man with a camera nods, laughs and takes a photo which develops as six white dots on a black background.]
[Scene: Airbase Hangar. Dusk has fallen and the men enter the hangar.]

General: Mr. President, our men have assembled the parts from the alien ship into its original design.

[Bender's body is shaped like a flying saucer. A hatch on it opens and a beer bottle falls out. The men gasp.]

Truman: Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.

General: But, sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set.

Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!

[Scene: Interrogation Room. Zoidberg is tied to a chair. Truman sits opposite him with the general and other man behind him.]

Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.

Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.

Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid?

Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me?

Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!

Zoidberg: [sexfully] I'm not hearing a no.

[Truman stands up.]

Truman: Nerks to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy!

[A man holds up a saw behind Zoidberg. Zoidberg turns around.]

Zoidberg: Hooray!

[Scene: Mildred's Living Room. She pours two drinks.]

Mildred: [crying] Every little thing reminds me of Enos.

[She looks at a picture of a mushroom cloud and cries some more.]

Fry: Aw, I know how you feel. My grandfather died recently.

[Mildred drinks.]

Mildred: It's all so sad. At times like this, I just need someone to hold me. [She puts her arms around Fry.] Mmm. [sexfully] You like holding me, don't you?

[Fry shakes and stands up.]

Fry: Hey, you know what always cheers you up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies!

Mildred: How 'bout these cookies, sugar?

[She rips her dress open. Fry jumps with shock and throws his glass across the room.]

Fry: I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even exist. But I do exist. Which proves ... you can't really be my grandm--

[Mildred kisses him and they fall onto the couch.]
[Scene: Outside Mildred's House. The next morning, the paperboy rides past and throws the newspaper onto the doorstep. The conspiracy nutter's photograph dominates the front page, alongside the headline "Crackpot Photographs Truman Again".]
[Scene: Mildred's Bedroom. Fry and Mildred are asleep in bed. Farnsworth, Leela and Bender peer through the window and are disgusted. Leela wretches.]

Bender: [from outside] Oh, my God!

[Leela taps on the glass and Fry wakes up.]
[Cut to: Outside Mildred's House. Fry opens the window and leans out.]

Farnsworth: What the hell have you done, Fry?

Fry: Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.

[Cut to: Mildred's Bedroom.]

Farnsworth: Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!

[Fry turns around. Mildred wears glasses and knits. Her voice is dry.]

Mildred: Come back to bed, deary.

[Fry screams.]

Fry: It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?

Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious? [Fry shakes his head.] You are!

[Fry stares as it sinks in. He screams and runs back and forth. Mildred, now wearing a shawl, pours some tea.]

Mildred: Did you say something, deary? I'm a bit hard of hearing.

[She puts an ear trumpet to her ear and Fry screams again.]
[Scene: Airbase Autopsy Room. Pathologists have opened up Zoidberg and are looking inside. One dictates into a microphone.]

Pathologist #1: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.

[Zoidberg grabs the microphone.]

Zoidberg: And in this corner, Zoidberg! [He laughs.] C'mon! Lighten up! What is this, a funeral?

[The pathologist takes the microphone back. Another pulls out one of Zoidberg's organs.]

Pathologist #2: Heart.

Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them.

Pathologist #1: Stomach contents: One deviled egg.

[He puts it in a kidney bowl.]

Zoidberg: Deviled egg?

[He slurps it and the pathologist pulls it out again.]

Pathologist #1: The same deviled egg.

[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Fry cries and Leela slaps him.]

Leela: Snap out of it!

Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time.

Fry: But-- But won't that change history?

Farnsworth: [sarcastic] Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

[Scene: Desert. The ship flies towards the airbase.]
[Cut to: Airbase. The torpedo hatch opens and fires a missile with "Roswell That Ends Well" written on it and a picture of Zoidberg in the style of "Kilroy was here" or "Chad". It hits something and explodes. Soldiers run away, screaming. The ship shoots at buildings, cuts through telephone wires and destroys a water tower. The conspiracy nutter raises his camera.]

Conspiracy Nutter: UFO! UFO!

[The ship turns around and he takes a photo. The developed photo turns into the infamous picture of the Lock Ness Monster.]
[Scene: Airbase Autopsy Room. The pathologist saws Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Hey, don't cut that! I need that to speak!

[The pathologist hesitates then cuts faster. Fry and Leela burst into the room through the ceiling wearing jetpacks.]

Pathologist #2: Oh, my!

Truman: Sweet Roosevelt's ghost!

[Leela kicks the pathologist.]

Leela: Hi-yah! [She kicks the other pathologist.] Yah! [Truman peers over the edge of the table and she kicks him.] Yah!

[Fry pulls some organs out of Zoidberg and throws them at Truman.]

Fry: Take this, Mr. President-- Sir!

[He throws another organ and it hits Truman in the face.]

Zoidberg: The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honour!

[Scene: Airbase Hangar. Bender's body is still on the table. The wall explodes. Farnsworth, asleep, sits in a flying chair with guns attached to it. He wakes up.]

Farnsworth: Huh, wha? Oh, right!

[He moves the chair forward, picks Bender's body up with his feet and reverses.]
[Scene: Airbase. Tanks shoot at the ship. The cargo bay doors open and the magnetic winch comes out and grabs the radar dish. It rips off the roof of the building. Inside, the sergeant eats his lunch from the toilet.]

Sergeant: [shouting] Enos!

Fry: [shouting; from ship] He's dead! Sorry!

[The ship flies away and P-51's scramble. They follow the ship and shoot, the bullets bouncing off the hull. The ship flies into the hangar and the aeroplanes follow. It blasts vertically through the roof and quickly gains altitude.]
[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Zoidberg, Farnsworth, Bender and Fry look out of the doors and cheer. Leela appears on the screen from the cockpit.]

Fry: Yay!

Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!

Bender: [shouting] 1947 can kiss my shiny metal--

[His head falls out of the door and tumbles back to Earth. He screams on the way down.]

Fry: Turn around. We've gotta go back for Bender!

Farnsworth: Impossible! The supernova time hole is closing! If we don't leave now, we'll never get back to the 31st century.

[He turns the microwave dish on and it emits blue light at another packet of Iffy Pop. Blue light engulfs the room.]
[Scene: The ship enters the time hole.]

Fry: [shouting; from ship] Bender!

[The time hole closes.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg tapes up his wound.]

Zoidberg: There! Good as new!

[Leela holds up an organ.]

Leela: Don't you need this one?

Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my-- [He gags, chokes and keels over. He gets back up again, smiling.] Gotcha!

[Leela, not impressed, tosses the organ over her shoulder.]

Fry: Oh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely right now, trapped a thousand years in the past. Hey! Wait a second!

[Scene: Desert. The ship lands in present day New Mexico outside the ruins of the Roswell airbase.]
[Time Lapse. Fry searches the area with a metal detector.]

Leela: Anything?

Fry: No. [The metal detector beeps.] Wait!

[Leela slams her spade into the ground and it hits Bender's head.]

Bender: Ow! Stupid junk!

Fry: He's alive! [Leela and Farnsworth cheer. Leela digs and pulls Bender's head from the ground.] Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years?

Bender: I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.

Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that out degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather then who are we to judge?

[Leela rejoins Bender's head with his body which is still shaped like a spaceship.]

Bender: Amen!

[He lifts off and they return to the ship.]
[Closing Credits.]