Transcript:Neutopia

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Transcript for
Neutopia
Written byJ. Stewart Burns
Transcribed bySanfazer


[Note: UNKNOWN represents a word or set of words not identified by the transcriber.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: PROVIDES A FULL DAY'S SUPPLY OF VITAMIN F!]
[Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are seated at the conference table and Hermes is standing up.]

Hermes: Well, we're bankrupt in six, five...

[Cut to: The Professor running.]
[Back to scene.]

Hermes: Four, three...

[Cut to: The Professor running.]
[Back to scene.]

Hermes: Two, one. And we're out of business.

[The Professor enters in an eight-legged segway, explaining his ability to run.]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news! We're back in business. We've been hired to deliver an envelope.

Leela: It's crunch time. Let's do this. [The Professors gives Amy, who is in a Robotic suit, the envolope, Amy gives it to Leela, and Leela sighs.] It's for you, Professor.

[Leela gives it back to the Professor.]

Professor Farnsworth: Great delivery, everyone. You're the finest crew I've had the honour to work with. [The Professor opens the envelope.] Oh, my. We're being foreclosed upon. You're all terrible and incompetent!

Amy: I resent that!

[Amy's suit falls on the Professor, making him fall as well.]
[Scene: The Planet Express hangar. The Professor, Amy, Leela, Hermes, Zoidberg, Scruffy, Bender, and Fry. All are standing up, except for Amy, Leela, and Zoidberg. Hermes reads a set of paper sheets.]

Hermes: Wait. I found a loophole in the mortgage. If we actually pay it, we can keep the building. We just need... [Hermes turns the page.] Eleven million dollars.

Bender: And... Boned!

Professor Farnsworth: Aw. I suppose there's nothing left to do but move out. Leela, Amy, pack us a lunch for our new lives under the bridge while us men reminisce and smoke some stogies.

[The men sound excited as Bender reveals the cigars, which are held in his hand.]

Leela: We are not packing lunches, you walking beer commercials. It was you men who drove this company into the ground. Remember Fry's idea to offer free delivery?

[Fry is smoking.]

Fry: It got us a lot of customers!

Leela: We're a delivery company!

Amy: If you wanna save this company, you should listen to a woman's idea for once.

[Hermes is smoking.]

Hermes: Okay. What you got?

Leela: An airline!

Amy: Yeah! Wait, what?

Leela: We should become a commercial airline. I mean, we've got a ship, and teleporters won't be invented for another fifteen years, according to that guy from the future.

Amy: Wow! That's actually a really good idea for a woman!

[The Professor is smoking.]

Professor Farnsworth: Puff! What else you ladies got?

Bender: [with a female voice] Girls-of-Planet-Express calendar!

Fry: Girly calendar? Great idea, Amy!

Hermes: Okay, then. Leela, Amy, come to work topless tomorrow.

Leela: Forget it! I promised myself I wouldn't pose naked until I was married.

Hermes: Sorry. It's in your contract. "All female employees must pose nude if requested."

Leela: That's discriminatory!

Hermes: No, it's in all our contracts. Here's mine. "All female employees must pose nude if requested."

Fry: Sounds fun.

[Everyone agrees. Bender is smoking.]

Bender: Back to work, Hermes!

[Scruffy is smoking.]

Scruffy: Now that's what I call fine print.

Amy: Okay, but good luck making a girly calendar with only two female employees.

[Hermes hums.]
[Scene: The Planet Express hangar. Time lapse. Below the ship, LaBarbara is seated at a table that Hermes is leaning against.]

LaBarbara: Oh, husband! I'm so excited about this new job.

Hermes: And it's excited about you, LaBarbara. First order of business is to put on your uniform and take your ID photo.

[Hermes reveals a bikini and a cap which that are coloured in green and red and show a very simple representation of the Planet Express logo.]
[Scene: The Planet Express hangar. Time lapse. Fry, Bender, the Professor, and Hermes are preparing a photo shoot for LaBarbara, Amy and Leela, dressed in sexy costumes and seemingly not liking the situation. Amy is naked under a lab coat, bunned-up hair and thick glasses, LaBarbara is dressed in her uniform, and Leela is in an astronaut costume.]

Leela: Look, I agree that it makes space walking more comfortable, but, for a photo shoot, it's a little... Unsavoury. Over.

Bender: Time is money, peaches. Now shut your com link and make love to the camera. And remember: I'm the camera. [Leela is photographed on top of the ship, LaBarbara, inside a bathtub filled with packages, and Amy, on the conference table with a holographic Saturn. The three girls are then protographed at the same time, scrubbing the ship.] Stop actually washin' and play with the sponges!

Leela: But the ship is dirty.

Bender: Uh, whatever. I ran out of film an hour ago.

[Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Zoidberg, Hermes, LaBarbara, Amy, and Leela are seated at the conference table, the Professor and Bender are standing up, and Fry is leaning against the lable. The Professor examines the photographs with a magnifying glass.]

Professor Farnsworth: No, no. This won't do. A three-month calendar? What is this, Mercury?

Amy: I told you it wouldn't work.

Professor Farnsworth: Well, you should've talked louder. Fortunately, I came up with a brilliant idea to save Planet Express. We'll turn it into a commercial airline!

Leela: But that was my idea!

Professor Farnsworth: Then you should've talked louder. [Nothing is said.] What?

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. Bender pulls a Planet Express ship dressed as an airplane out of the building while Scruffy sweeps it. The ship bears the logo PLAN AM.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express plane hall. Leela, Amy, and LaBarbara are working.]

Leela: There. It was hard work, but it beats posing in demeaning, skimpy modelling outfits.

Professor Farnsworth: Ladies, here are your demeaning, skimpy stewardess outfits.

[The Professor reveals three blue outfits and the girls sigh.]
[Back to scene. A sign with the Plan Am logo reads WE HAVE TO MAKE MONEY AND IT SHOWS. Another sign reads GATE K. An escalator, which is being used by April, gives access to the ship. At its end, Bender acts as a baggage screen for a line consisting of Hattie, Dr. Cahill, Victor, Sal, and Petunia, beeping. His beeping suddenly intensifies.]

Bender: Sorry, ma'am. I'll have to confiscate your artificial knee cap.

Hattie: Okay, here you go.

[Hattie kicks Bender, shocking Dr. Cahill, Victor, and Sal.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express plane hall. The passengers are seated, Leela is serving beer, and Amy collects a napkin.]

Fry: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the plane's president speaking.

[Cut to: The Planet Express plane cockpit. Hermes, who is apparently the co-pilot, and the Professor are present.]

Fry: We are cleared for takeoff.

[Leela bursts in the cockpit.]

Leela: You put Goofus and Ganja in charge? I'm the only trained pilot here.

[The Professor laughs.]

Professor Farnsworth: Please, Leela. Who ever heard of a plane with a woman president?

[Cut to: The Planet Express plane hall. Bender is addressing the passengers.]

Bender: Welcome to Plan Am Flight 1 to Acapulsar. The local time on Acapulsar is five years from now. [Victor sets his clock from 3011 to 3016.] In the event of a wormhole sendin' us back in time, do not kill your parents. If you who are travelling with small children, help them not to kill you before not killin' your own parents. Now please turn off all electronic devices.

[Bender turns himself off.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express plane cockpit.]

Fry: Uh, preparing for takeoff.

[Hermes presses the AUTOPILOT button and the plane takes off, overflying a falafel store and ripping off its roof. The man inside is visibly angry.]

Man: I kill you, my friend!

[The man is hit by a bag that fell from the plane, screams, and falls down.]
[Scene: Space. The plane leaves Earth.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express plane hall.]

LaBarbara: [into a speaker] I hope you all enjoyed our timey beverage service. [Petunia waves. Her seat is filled with bottles.] Now sit back and endure our in-flight entertainment.

[A screen is lowered from the ceiling. Zoidberg bursts through it.]

Zoidberg: [quickly] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [with a normal speed] So what's the deal with airline food, hmm? They offer you two choices, but they're always outta one. Uh, by the way, we're outta both choices.

[The passengers boo.]

Petunia: Shut up and put on four episodes of Da Office.

[Scene: The Planet Express plane galley. Bender opens a pink refrigerator labelled Amana.]

Amana: Ooh, your hands are warm... [Bender grabs a bottle of Olde Fortran.] For a Robot.

Bender: Thanks, baby. I don't know what you're doing back here in the galley, 'cause you got a first-class C.

[Cut to: The Planet Express plane cockpit. Leela enters.]

Leela: Captain, we were supposed to land two days ago. Is everything— Hey!

Fry: Are we at the fair yet, Mommy?

Leela: We're not at the any place! And we're out of fuel!

Amy: Attention, passengers. Please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete crash.

[Everyone screams.]

Professor Farnsworth: Perhaps we should reconsider the girly calendar.

[Scene: Desertic planet, day.]

Leela: Flight-attendance log. We've crashed near a river of mercury on a lifeless, mineral world. Supplies are low. Cannibalism, imminent. Radio, busted. Our one hope is to form a society.

Hermes: Okay, then. Men, let's get hunting. The women folk can cook what we catch.

[The man cheer.]

LaBarbara: No one put you in charge, husband. I'm the only one here who ever ran a society.

Hermes: Roller derby is not a society!

LaBarbara: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. All in favour of the jamooca thunderclap? [All except LaBarbara are confused and looking around.] That would be me.

[The women cheer.]

Hermes: Practically no one. All in favour of me?

[The men cheer.]

Dr. Cahill: Eight to eight. It's a tie.

Professor Farnsworth: We can't trust a woman's math! Count again!

[They all begin arguing.]

Big rock Alien: Greetings, soft ones. Who among you is your leader?

Men: He is!

Women: She is!

Big rock Alien: Curious. You're a diarchic society?

Hermes: Um, maybe. But, whatever we are, I'm the leader of it.

LaBarbara: Leader? Fat man, you couldn't even run a bath.

LaBarbara: Well, you sure can run something: Your mouth!

[They all begin arguing once again.]

Big rock Alien: Silence! Even a young pebble could see your race is divided based on the configuration of your twenty-third chromosome.

[Dr. Cahill is now shown to be part of the Earthican group as well.]

Amy: [confused] You mean, "along gender lines"?

Big rock Alien: [confused] Gender?

Sal: Yes. You knows, guyses, galses... In that order. [Leela slaps him.] Ows!

Big rock Alien: I am not familiar with this concept of gender. My species has only a single gender, known as nuchacho.

Zoidberg: Interesting. [furiously] Come on, men! Let's kill him!

[Zoidberg, Bender, Fry, Hermes, Victor, Scruffy, Sal, and the Professor run towards the rock Alien and cheer, but are stopped by a pink fridge. The Alien goes back to addressing the group. Hattie, the Professor, and Victor are also shown to be listening this time.]

Big rock Alien: Your genders differ in many ways, but, as with all things that are different, chocolate and vanilla, Mac and PC, one is always clearly better.

Bender: Chocolate, Mac, men. The end.

Big rock Alien: Well, I've got nothing to do for the next eight million years. Therefore, I will administer a series of tests to determine the superior gender. Test number one: Who can drink the most sulfur? Test inconclusive. Test number two: Who can drink the most arsenic?

Professor Farnsworth: Just ask us some damn questions.

Big rock Alien: Very well. Which is larger? An Italian size four or an American apparel medium? [Women.] How many calories are in a small green-tea yogurt. [Women.] Name any twelve of the Desperate Housewives. [Women.] How was your day? [Women. The women cheer.] Test complete. What is the score?

Bender: Uh... Men, five. Women, less.

Amana: Hey! He's lying.

Big rock Alien: Obviously. That was a test to see who could lie better. The men win that round.

[The men cheer.]

Professor Farnsworth: In your face, decumbent urinators.

[They begin arguing yet a third time, but are separated by the pink fridge.]

Big rock Alien: So far, I have learned nothing, but that's probably as much my fault as yours. [enthusiastically] The time has come for the final test.

Fry: Uh, we usually call it the lightning round.

Big rock Alien: As you may have noticed, it's getting hotter here.

[The women agree.]

Leela: It's nice.

[The men agree.]

Fry: It's too hot.

Zoidberg: [angrily] Would one of you chicks change the thermostat?

Big rock Alien: Tomorrow morning, this planet makes its closest pass to the sun. You will all be boiled alive like retired circus animals. Unless you somehow can cross the Great Alkali Plains and reach shelter in the Cave of Harmony.

Fry: That sounds hard.

Big rock Alien: Which ever gender reaches the cave will survive and may the inferior gender burst into something. Flames, I guess.

[Scene: Gypsum desert.]

Hermes: Uh-oh. I think we're walking in circles. I recognise the pattern of striations on that gypsum formation.

Fry: Also, my shoe that fell off.

Bender: Oh, God. We're all gonna die in agony.

Small rock Alien: Howdy there. You fellows need some directions?

Bender: No, we're fine.

Professor Farnsworth: Beat it.

Fry: Don't worry about it.

[Scene: Pillar desert.]

LaBarbara: Keep it up, sistren. Only a few more miles to the cave. Let's just buckle down and—

Amy: Look! A clearance sale!

LaBarbara: What?! Where?

[Scene: Crystal desert, night. Time lapse.]

LaBarbara: I can't believe that sale was just a mirage. Now we're going to die without so much as a factory second-clutch purse to show for it.

Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time.

Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n Things!

Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture!

Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see.

[Scene: Crystal desert. Time lapse.]

Hermes: We can't make it tonight. We'll set up camp here by this shoe.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, gentlemen. When that sun rises in the morning, we're toast. These are our last moments together. So, if anyone's got any good fart jokes, now would be the time.

[Scene: Crystal desert. Time lapse.]

Amy: It's a schmundered degrees and all we have to drink are non-diet sodas.

[The women sigh and complain.]

Petunia: It's gonna ruin ma figger.

Leela: Wait. I forgot that Amana here is a refrigerator. If we could supercharge her freon with a gas compressor, we might survive the heat and make it to the cave.

Amana: Hey, yeah! But the only gas compressor on this planet is inside Bender's ass.

Dr. Cahill: Was that a fart joke? Because I don't find those amusing.

LaBarbara: No one does! Nevertheless, Bender's gas blaster may be our only hope.

[Scene: Men camp. Time lapse. The men are sleeping. LaBarbara sneaks in and steals Bender's gas compressor.]
[Cut to: Crystal mountain. LaBarbara is climbing. When she finally reaches the top, she encounters Hermes, who has also just arrived.]

Hermes: Oh! Wife? What are you doin' with Bender's shiny metal, gas compressor?

LaBarbara: None of your Biz Markie. Wait a second. What's that UNKNOWN on your DAT bag?

Hermes: Okay... So we were hot. I stole Amana's freon coil so we could hook it up to Bender's ass and build a cooler.

[LaBarbara gasps.]

LaBarbara: You are no better than me, ya shifty tree skink! How do you live with yourself?

Hermes: Damn it, woman! You are makin' me highly Selassie.

LaBarbara: Don't you talk to me that way, you big, hairy Belafonte!

[Hermes and LaBarbara begin making out.]
[Scene: Crystal mountain top, morning.]

Hermes: Oh... You cookin' me back bacon. Thank you, woman.

LaBarbara: That's not back bacon! That's your back bakin'!

Hermes: Oh, no! We overslept.

Amy: The mercury's boiling!

[The women cough.]

Petunia: Can't breathe... Lungs burnin'...

[Petunia lights a cigarette.]
[Cut to: Cave.]

Fry: My lucky shoe!

Bender: Goodbye, cruel me! [Bender.] I learned that from a movie.

Big rock Alien: I find both genders supremely disappointing. The real reason I administered this bizarre, outer-space test was to teach you to work together! But you couldn't. Thanks to you, I lost my bet with the Borax Kid.

Fry: Never bet against me being stupid.

Big rock Alien: Enough! Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict.

Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? [Fry screams effeminately.] My wing-wang's gone!

Leela: My girls!

Bender: My antenna!

Hattie: My kajigger!

Zoidberg: My gonopores! Look it up.

Big rock Alien: I have freed you from the tyranny of gender. Now go in peace. Or actually stay here. I'll go in peace.

[Scene: Desert. Men and women rest below the plane.]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, nuchachos! The ship is nearly repaired.

Sal: Work goes fasters withouts no secondary sex characteristicses at which to hoot. Now who wants to sing some Christopher Cross songs?

[Everyone sounds excited.]

LaBarbara: I do!

[Scene: Desert, night. Fry finishes working on a hammock and Leela and Amy appear.]

Fry: Look, associates. I made a hammock from our clothing.

Leela: How industrious!

Amy: Do you mind if we sleep with you?

Fry: I have no opinion. [They get on the hammock.] Well, good night.

[Scene: Crystal mountain top. Hermes and LaBarbara are present.]

Hermes: Everyone got along so well today.

LaBarbara: Yes. This place is like a neutered utopia. [LaBarbara gasps.] A neutopia!

[Hermes laughs.]

Hermes: I enjoy humour when no one gets hurt.

LaBarbara: Your companionship is inoffensive, Hermes.

Hermes: Likewise. Really, what are we missing out on by not having sex right now?

LaBarbara: Well...

[LaBarbara whispers something to Hermes.]
[Scene: Cave, day. LaBarbara and Hermes burst in.]

Hermes: Give us back our genitals!

Big rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. [The Alien turns around and sees the Humans.] Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them.

LaBarbara: Bein' Human isn't just about bein' happy! It's about lovin' and fightin' and that rasta MacNasty we were doin' last night. [LaBarbara laughs.] We want that back.

Big rock Alien: Very well. Perhaps it is I who have learned a lesson. Or something.

[Scene: Desert. The Alien appears along with LaBarbara and Hermes. Bender sighs.]

Bender: Now what?

Big rock Alien: I have decided, after little thought, to return your genders.

Amy: Not cool, bro! Our genders are all reversed!

Hattie: Now I got a what-ya-call-it instead of a kajigger, you stupid what-ya-call-it!

[Everyone cheers.]

Big rock Alien: Okay. Stop yelling at me! It was an innocent mistake. Allow me to rectify it.

[The Alien is shot by Zapp.]

Zapp: I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me.

[Leela pushes Zapp.]

Leela: What's your problem, Holmes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever!

Zapp: Chill out, dude. [to Fry] Well, hello from the neck down.

[Fry giggles.]
[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The plane has landed and the passengers are leaving it.]

Bender: Thank you for your patronage. We know you have a choice in airlines and you made the wrong one. No refunds!

[Scene: The Conrad apartment, night.]

Hermes: Aren't we going to cuddle?

LaBarbara: Woman, I'm tired! I'm sorry. It's just... I need my sleep. I got to get up five times a night to play Xbox.

Hermes: I understand. Womanhood also takes some getting used to. For example, did you know there are more than two feelin's?

LaBarbara: I only need one feelin': Love for you, wifey man.

[They start making out. The light goes out as they ensue making pleasurable noises.]

Hermes: Your manwich!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Amy and Leela are sitting at the conference table with a very masculine look.]

LaBarbara: No wonder it's such a mess in there. These bad boys are hard to aim.

Leela: I hate being a man. I smell bad, my face is scratchy, and the food at those strip clubs is terrible.

[Amy leans back in her chair.]

Amy: Crappin' A! Still, I'm sure the women are having an even harder time.

[The door opens. Enter Bender, Fry, Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, Hermes, and Scruffy, who are wearing dresses and giggling. All but Zoidberg have long hair.]

Bender: OMG! Being chicks is so much fun.

Fry: Now, when I say stupid things, guys all laugh and buy me stuff.

[Leela sighs.]

Leela: What a skank. Anyway, Planet Express is still facing foreclosure. There's no way we can raise enough money to save this company.

Amy: Wait. What about the girly calendar?

Fry: Well, that won't work, remember? We only have three women on staff—

[Fry gasps.]

LaBarbara: "All female employees must pose nude if requested."

Leela: And it is requested.

[Scene: The Planet Express hangar. The song "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Mötley Crüe is playing.]

Professor Farnsworth: Let's just hope we can sell enough of these calendars by tomorrow.

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]

Professor Farnsworth: [voice over] We sold enough of those calendars since yesterday!

[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room.]
[The crew cheers.]

Leela: Thank God most of our fans are huge perverts!

[The crew gasps.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express hangar.]

Fry: Who're you, stranger?

Borax Kid: Well, madam, folks called me the Borax Kid. My friend, the other rock Alien, died without settin' your genitals to right, so I reckon it's up to me to sex you up proper.

Leela: My girls are back!

Fry: Ow! Yay!

Hermes: So what did you like better, my love? Bein' a man or a woman?

LaBarbara: I don't care what parts I have. As long as they interlock with yours.

[Hermes and LaBarbara kiss.]

Professor Farnsworth: Ah, marriage. It combines the contentedness of being neutered with the occasional sex of being not.

Borax Kid: Well, I'd best mosey on down to the landing. Sounds like the feldspar queen is about to set sail. You folks watch your genitals now. [The Borax Kid leaves.] Come on, boy! Giddy up!

Leela: And that's that.

Scruffy: What I miss?

[Closing Credits.]