Transcript:Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television

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Transcript for
Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television
Written byLouis Morton
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. A remix is performed by the cast in their character voices. Caption: Controlling You Through A Chip In Your Butt Since 1999.]

John DiMaggio: Wooo! [imitates DJ scratching] Two, three! [beatboxes over the theme song]

Farnsworth: Oh, my.

Bender: Here we go, y'all!

Zoidberg: Zoidberg...Zoidberg...Z-Z-Z-Z-Zoidberg. [he babbles rhymthically]

Bender: This is a story about all my friends!

Farnsworth: Fry?

Fry: Unh!!

Farnsworth: Fry?

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. All My Circuits is on the TV.]

Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] Previously on All My Circuits...

[Calculon sits at his desk in his office with his face buried in his hands. His son Antonio sits on the other side. Weepy soap opera music plays.]

Antonio: [crying; on TV] I'm sorry, Father. But, somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son.

Calculon: [on TV] Why, Antonio?

Antonio: [crying; on TV] Because ... I have amnesia!

[Dramatic music plays. The "previously" montage fades to a bedroom where Monique has another passionate affair with Boxy. Enter Calculon. Monique pulls the sheets over her.]

Monique: [on TV] Calculon? But I thought you were--

Calculon: [on TV] Egyptian?

[More dramatic music. The scene changes to Monique and Antonio on a yacht. Monique points a laser at Antonio.]

Monique: [on TV] Before I kill you, I must ask you one question: Who am I? For I have ... amnesia!

[Even more dramatic music. The scene changes to a room. Monique, Antonio and Human Friend sit on a couch and two other robots stand behind. Calculon stands in front looking at them all.]

Calculon: [on TV] Let me get this straight: Does anyone here not have amnesia?

[The rest murmur in confusion.]

Monique: [on TV] Not sure.

Human Friend: [on TV] I 'unno.

[And the same dramatic music. In the Planet Express lounge Cubert and Dwight sit watching with Fry, Leela and Bender.]

Cubert: This show is awesome! When I grow up I'm gonna have so much amnesia!

Dwight: Me too. I mean, I have it now, but I forgot.

Cubert: Well, mine's louder!

Bender: Cram a ham in it, you twerps! [He throws his beer bottle at them, it misses and hits Fry, who squeals.] Sorry!

Fry: Nah, I had it coming.

[On the TV, there is a birthday party.]

Calculon: [on TV] Welcome, swingers. Pull up a groove and get fabulous.

Monique: [on TV] Nude rocks bands, big piles of what I assume is talcum powder. It's quite a birthday party, Calculon.

Cubert: Cool! I'm gonna have a fabulatious birthday party just like Calculon!

Dwight: Oh, yeah? Well I'm gonna show up looking good, just like Monique.

Leela: Do you two have to imitate everything you see on TV?

Cubert: Um, we're 12. So, yes.

Dwight: Hold up, Cubert. You're a clone of the Professor. Do clones even have birthdays?

Cubert: Um, duh!

Dwight: "Duh" what?

[Cubert looks puzzled.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Hermes, wearing goggles and gloves, poke something in a crate with rakes. Enter Cubert and Dwight. Hermes puts the lid on the crate.]

Cubert: Dad? Do I have a birthday?

Farnsworth: Hmm. You didn't have a birth so, technically, no. [Cubert sighs. Farnsworth puts his hand on his shoulder.] Oh, don't feel bad. We can celebrate the day I extracted you from the cloning tank, or the day I scraped your DNA from that growth on my back.

Cubert: Ooh! That one!

Farnsworth: Ah, yes. It was 13 years ago next week. [He takes something out of his lab coat.] I used this very fork.

[Hermes takes it.]

Hermes: Aw, well isn't that-- Ew!

[He drops it.]

Dwight: Hey! Next week'll be my birthday too.

Hermes: That's true. If only there were a way to have one party for both of you here at the office then write it off as a business expense. Wait! I thought of a way! The way I just said!

Cubert: Yeah!

Dwight: Way to go, Pops!

[They hug their dads.]

Bender: [shouting; from lounge] Something's happening on television.

[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert and Dwight run back in and leap on the couch. On the TV, Calculon and Monique bathe in a pink liquid.]

Calculon: [on TV] Oh, Monique, why did we wait so many years to bathe in champagne?

[He scoops some up in a glass and drinks it. Antonio comes crashing in through the ceiling wearing a parachute. He hits the ground with a thump.]

Antonio: [on TV] Father, I've discovered the shocking secret mother has kept from you for 200 years.

Monique: [on TV] No! No!

Antonio: [on TV] Brace yourself. For when I speak these words, you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia. For you see, the horrible secret is--

[He stops talking and starts to fizzle. His pupils go crazy and he starts groaning. Monique and Calculon glance at each other in confusion.]

Bender: Whoever's directing this is a master of suspense!

[Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. Antonio fizzles on the set while Calculon and Monique are still in the tub. Sal and two other guys walk onto the set. Sal hits Antonio twice with a hammer then leans on him and turns to the other two.]

Sal: He's busteds. Let's get hims outta heres.

[They pick him up and carry him away. He continues groaning.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The TV changes to static then a still image of a robot with one of his eyes popped out and the message "Oops! Broken Actor".]

Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] We now join America's most popular show already in progress, Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.

[The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except sit, hypnotising his audience.]

Fry: This show's been going downhill since season three.

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. A "Happy Growth-Scraping Day" banner has been hung up along the back wall. LaBarbara and Amy fly up to the ceiling on rocket packs and hang streamers. Enter Zoidberg in tramp garb.]

Zoidberg: Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp!

[Hermes, Leela, Farnsworth, Cubert and Dwight applaud.]

Leela: Since when are you performing at children's parties?

Zoidberg: Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes--

[The five look away and Zoidberg sighs.]

Dwight: This party pukes.

Cubert: Yeah! The guests were supposed to be here three hours ago.

Farnsworth: Well, that doesn't mean that no one is coming or that you two are total losers. Who gave you that idea?

[The doorbell rings.]

Dwight: Alright! They must have all come as a group.

[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight stand by side door.]

Cubert: Welcome, swingers! Pull up a groove and get fabulous.

[He chuckles and opens the door. No one is there. He hears squeaking and looks down. Tinny Tim hobbles towards the door with a green envelope.]

Tinny Tim: Good day, fellows. Someone dumped this invitation in my begging cup. Happy growth-scraping day to all!

[Cubert and Dwight sigh.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the crew are gathered around with glasses and food. Hermes, LaBarbara and Farnsworth talk.]

Hermes: Fire 'em all.

Farnsworth: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

[Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim sit around the table, bored. Enter Bender with the TV.]

Bender: [gasping] Guys! Guys! Something's happening on television again.

[He puts the TV on the table and plugs the plug into his ass socket. The TV flickers on just in time for Entertainment And Earth Invasion Tonite. Morbo and Linda sit in the studio. The studio backdrop features flying saucers hovering over the Hollywood sign.]

Morbo: [on TV] Welcome to Entertainment And Earth Invasion Tonite. Across the galaxy, my people are completing the mighty space fleet that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinseltown.

[Footage of Antonio's breakdown appears behind Linda.]

Linda: [on TV] Following Antonio Calculon Jr.'s breakdown on the set, the popular TV show All My Circuits will hold an open casting call for child robots to replace him.

Bender: An open casting call for child robots? Tinny Tim, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Tinny Tim: What's that, sir?

Bender: That I, Bender, am perfect for the role!

Tinny Tim: You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir. [He raises his crutch.] Bravo!

[Scene: Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender, Leela and Fry sit in a room filled with child robots.]

Leela: Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There's a lot of famous child acting units here.

Fry: Look! There's Macaulay Culkon.

[He points at a spotty robot whose hands are permanently attached to his face and who has a permanently shocked expression like Macaulay Culkin on the poster for Home Alone.]

Leela: He's just not cute since he got puberty installed.

Fry: Pst. There's that robot child actor who grew up and robbed a convenience store!

Leela: And there's that robot child actor who grew up and became a convenience store!

[The Robber-bot puts some cash into the 7¹¹ Robot.]

Robber-bot: Lottery ticket, please.

[The 7¹¹ Robot prints out the ticket. A woman walks out of the casting office.]

Casting Director: We're ready for the first audition. [She looks at her clipboard.] [reading] Emotitron Jr.?

[The robot gets up and his mother stops him.]

Mombot: Hold on, precious. Let's make you look nice for the lady. [She smoothes his "hair" down and opens his chest cabinet, revealing wires.] What's this? [She snaps the wires out.] What did I tell you? [She whips him with every word.] No more hanging wires!

[Scene: All My Circuits Casting Office. Emotitron Jr. stands in front of the table where the casting director and Calculon are sat.]

Casting Director: In this scene, you've just found out your real father is Calculon's fourth evil identical septuplet, Sleazy Martinez. OK ... take us there!

[The robot looks at his script.]

Emotitron Jr.: Now that I know the truth, Father, I must ride south and join the robo-bandidos at Veracruz.

Bender: [shouting; from outside] Awful! Boo! This kid sucks! We want Bender! Boo!

Calculon: Well, I thought he was good but the audience seems to have turned on him.

Casting Director: But I don't think--

Calculon: Next!

[Time Lapse. Night has fallen and Macaulay Culkon auditions.]

Macaulay Culkon: --At Veracruz. So, if you'll kindly hand me my poncho--

Bender: [shouting; from outside] Boo! Bring on Bender! Boo! Bender's the greatest!

Calculon: Sorry, kid. You're flailing up there. [He screams and runs out.] 90 actors and they all got boo-ed. I just wish we could get this Bender I keep hearing about. They say he's the greatest.

Casting Director: Well, there is a robot named Bender here but he's much too old for--

Calculon: Send him in forthwith!

[Cut to: Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender is right outside the door.]

Bender: [shouting] Boo! Not as good as Bender! Boo!

[The door opens and the casting director is standing there.]

Casting Director: Mr. Bender?

[Bender screams.]
[Scene: All My Circuits Casting Office.]

Casting Director: Have you ever been on TV before?

Bender: Once, when I took those hostages.

Calculon: I saw that! You were good. Let's hear you audition.

[The casting director hands Bender a script. Bender thumbs through it.]

Bender: Bandidos, eh? Aw, this is great! 'Cause I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent! [He clears his throat.] [bad Spanish accent] I will see. Adios Padre! Come, Jesus, my faithful ... chee-huey-hua. Tonight we eat ... gee-wack-a-mole by the El Rio!

Calculon: That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are. You will never work on my show!

Fry: [shouting; from outside] Yay, Bender!

Leela: [shouting; from outside] We demand Bender!

Calculon: However, you've got the job. Welcome aboard, son!

Bender: Father-o!

[He hugs Calculon.]
[Scene: All My Circuits Soundstage. Outside, a red light is on and a sign indicates "Taping In Progress, All Welcome (Writers Keep Out)". On a hospital room set Calculon and Bender prepare for a scene.]

Calculon: Bender, I'd like you to meet our director ... [He pulls a man with a ponytail and wearing a blernsball cap in front of him.] ... whose name I never learned.

Bender: Yo! I read the script and I think it would help my character's motivation if he was on fire.

Director: Uh, don't worry about the script, baby. We re-wrote your part to better suit your acting abilities.

Bender: So now my character has a British accent?

Director: No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move. [He moves off the set behind the cameras. Bender grumbles and hops onto the bed and lies down.] And ... action!

Bender: [muttering] Stupid dumb coma ... coulda been British.

[Calculon moves to his bedside.]

Calculon: Alas that mine only son should sink into an irreversible, permanent ... coma.

Bender: [quietly] Permanent? That's completely out of character for Antonio. I'm gettin' up.

Calculon: Curse the tragic wildebeest accident that--

[Bender sits up on the bed.]

Bender: Hey, everyone! Antonio here, but you can call me "Bender"! I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut. [He stands up on the bed and starts dancing.] C'mon, baby! [He hums and takes a cigar out of his chest cabinet and takes a few puffs then follows with a gulp of beer.] Come on!

[The director stands watching, gobsmacked while a woman behind him leafs through the script. Calculon stares at Bender.]

Calculon: I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing.

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass! [He carries on dancing.] Ooh, yeah! C'mon, baby! Come on! Yeah!

Director: [shouting] Cut! [He walks onto the set.] That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen. We'll have to shoot it again.

Calculon: No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes.

Director: But this guy was--

Calculon: Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take. Print it. I'll be in my three-storey trailer.

[He takes a bouquet of flowers from a woman.]
[Scene: All My Circuits Editing Room. Calculon and the director watch Bender's antics.]

Bender: [on TV] Bite my shiny metal ass! [He starts dancing.] Ooh, yeah! C'mon, baby! Come on! Yeah!

Bender: Now that's hospital dancing. [He nudges Calculon.] Pretty good, eh, Calcky?

Calculon: Good? I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies. [On the screen Bender whistles nonchalantly as he empties a chest of drawers.] I don't even remember shooting this scene.

Director: We didn't. That's security camera footage from your dressing room.

Calculon: He stole the scene and my money? That's it! I demand you fire this felonious ham!

[An alarm beeps and a red light starts to flash.]

Director: The network Execubots are coming!

Calculon: Oh, dear God!

[Enter three huge clunky robots on tracks.]

Betabot: Presenting the president of the network.

[A man walks in, places a laptop on a desk and leaves. A modem in the laptop beeps and the network president, the laptop itself, starts to speak.]

Network President: Greetings, gentlemen. You already know my Execubots: Executive Alpha, programmed to like things it has seen before.

Alphabot: Hey, hey, hey.

Network President: Executive Beta, programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule.

[Betabot rolls two dice.]

Betabot: More reality shows.

Network President: And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate middle America.

Gammabot: It's funny but is it going to get them off their tractors?

[The president plays a clip of Bender dancing on his screen.]

Network President: Now, who put this obnoxious, dancing robot on my network?

Director: We were about to fire him, sir.

[The president's screen changes to a picture of a family in front of a TV screen.]

Network President: Silence, hack! We've been monitoring our Nielsen families carefully. And during the 12 seconds Bender was on screen, viewer eyeball focus was up 90%.

Calculon: But, sir, children watch this show. Bender's no role model, he's a filth monger!

Network President: At our network, we love filth! Filthy rich, that is! Being filthy rich, that is! [He laughs and signals fizzle towards the Execubots, making them all laugh with him.] "Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase.

Alphabot: 80% likely.

[Betabot rolls his dice.]

Betabot: Gameshows are back.

Network President: We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot on our network. Bender? Can you continue to drink, smoke and steal things on TV?

[Bender takes Calculon's wallet.]

Bender: Yes, I can.

[Montage: To Black Flag's TV Party Bender's status as a cult icon skyrockets. On the side of the All My Circuits soundstage, a man and a robot paste a huge picture of Bender over the cast picture. An episode of the show is broadcast where Human Friend is getting married, only for his bride to turn out to be Bender. He lifts his veil, lights a cigar and pulls out a copy of Playbot. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim watch in the Planet Express lounge and cheer. At the 7^11, fine Bender tobacco products include "Bender Smokes", "Benderillos" and "Bender's Favorite". A boy points at the Bender's Favorite. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim carry on watching All My Circuits. Bender is credited as "Starring Bender as 'Bender'". He walks into a restaurant where Calculon and Monique are dining and tips their table over along with the two of them. He drinks a bottle of beer and fires a laser into the air. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim cheer and tip over the table in the lounge.]

Tinny Tim: Yeah! Shooting!

Dwight: Alright!

[The cover story on TV Week Monthly is "Bender: TV's Rowdiest Robot Opens Up About Drinking, Smoking, & His Feud with Jay". Inside his chest cabinet is beer, cigars and Jay Leno's gagged head in a jar. In another episode, Bender spits his cigar at Human Friend. It bounces off him and back into Bender's mouth.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim laugh at Bender's antics. Dwight pulls out a cigar perhaps.]

Dwight: Yo! Check out what I jacked from my dad.

Cubert: A cigar!

Tinny Tim: Ripping!

[Dwight lights the cigar and takes a puff.]

Dwight: Look! I'm Bender!

[He vomits and faints. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]

Hermes: Ras H. Tafari! What's goin' on here?

[Farnsworth picks up the cigar between his toes and hands it to Hermes.]

Farnsworth: The ruffians smoked one of your cigars.

Hermes: That's not a cigar. Uh ... and it's not mine!

[He puts it in his inside pocket.]

Cubert: Hey, Dad! Bite my shiny metal ass!

Farnsworth: What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable for both of us! Where did you learn such language?

Tinny Tim: From Bender, my good jerkwad.

Hermes: Bender, eh? That guy's really startin' to twist my dreads.

[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Hermes are gone, replaced by Fry, Leela, Zoidberg and Bender on the couch. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim sit on the floor all watching TV.]

Bender: OK, OK, OK. Get ready for this part.

Zoidberg: Quiet, robot! Bender's on TV.

[On the TV Calculon and Monique enter a cabin covered in snow.]

Monique: [on TV] Oh, Calculon, it's so good to get away from the city and that beastly, yet intriguing, Bender.

[She gasps. Bender is guzzling down a keg of beer on the other side of the room. He cheers and lights his finger like a lighter.]

Bender: [on TV] Try this, kids at home!

[A "Don't Try This, Kids At Home" caption appears underneath. Bender lights his alcoholic breath and his head catches fire, followed by the rest of his body. The clip pulls back to the Entertainment And Earth Invasion Tonite studio.]

Linda: [on TV] Is television sensation Bender a bad role model for Earth children?

[Bender spins a pair of scissors around on both of his hands. Zoidberg leans away from him.]

Bender: That's crazy!

Linda: [on TV] A new protest group, Fathers Against Rude Television, says "Hell, yes!"

Fry: Pft! What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group?

[Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group.

Zoidberg: That was uncanny.

Hermes: Fathers Against Rude Television don't want our kids watching Bender's high-definition filth.

Farnsworth: And for what? Some kind of cheap laugh? That's not what F-A-R-T is all about.

Hermes: No, sir! Not us FARTers.

Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't censor me just 'cause I'm an obscenely bad role model.

Leela: As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.

Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight, Cubert and Tinny Tim sit slumped against the attic dome under the moonlight. Cubert sighs.]

Cubert: Our dads are all pumped up on dork-osterone. We're just trying to be cool, like Bender.

Dwight: Yeah, and it's not even working. Smoking and drinking make us barf.

Tinny Tim: Gentle jerkwads. I know how to emulate Bender without barfing. We could commit a burglary.

Dwight: Hey, yeah!

Cubert: Bender loves to burgle!

Dwight: Hold up, though. Who could we rob? We don't even know anyone with cool stuff.

Cubert: Duh! We know someone who runs on pure cool fuel: Bender!

Dwight: Whoa!

Tinny Tim: We'll rob Bender!

[Cubert laughs.]

Dwight: TV gave us the idea.

[Bumper: The Futurama logo appears.]

Bender: [voice-over] You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.

[Scene: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim sneak towards Fry's and Bender's apartment with a sack.]

Cubert: OK. It's crime time.

[He, Dwight and Tinny Tim put on some crude Bender face masks. Cubert opens the apartment door and they sneak in.]
[Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Fry plays a console game with one hand while reading a Space Boy comic. He takes a swig of beer. Tinny Tim, wearing his Bender mask, walks past Fry carrying Bender's chair. Fry doesn't look up.]

Fry: Hey, Bender. [Cubert walks past with a Bender portrait.] Hey, Bender. [Dwight struggles with a safe marked "Bender's Loot".] Hey, Bender. [The phone rings. Fry picks up.] Hey, Bender.

[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight's new party gets started. They open the door and Tinny Tim, the Cookieville orphans and Brett Blob walk in. Dwight and Cubert choose classical music for the party and play Bust A Move by Young MC.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The room is filled with more kids. Brett plays Bender's banjo then hits one of his gold bricks with it, breaking the banjo. He and some others laugh. Albert smokes one of Bender's Zuban cigars and throws up. Tinny Tim takes a copy of Playbot out of a box marked "Bender's Adult Periodicals". He sees a spread inside and his eyes literally pop out. Enter Hermes and Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: What's going on in here? [The music stops. Hermes rubs some dirt off Farnsworth's glasses and Farnsworth straightens them.] Oh. Now I'm really outraged.

Hermes: Where did you requisition this party? And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?

Zoidberg: I'm networking. Let me give you my card.

[He pulls out a scrap of card with "ZoiDBERg" written on it and offers it to Sally and Nina. Neither of them take it.]

Cubert: Relax, Dad. We just invited a few friends over.

Farnsworth: Hmm. There's something wrong with your story but I can't put my finger on it. [He gasps.] Of course! You don't have friends!

Hermes: Yeah. Why do these popular kids consider you cool all of a sudden?

Dwight: Um ... we're just cool, is all!

Farnsworth: Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cool, using the cool-o-meter!

[He takes a box with a needle on it out of his pocket. He scans over the orphans and the box beeps and the needle moves halfway around the gauge; he scans Zoidberg, who waves, and the beeping stops and the needle flops back down again; he scans more orphans and the needle goes back halfway. Finally he scans Tinny Tim, Dwight and Cubert and the machine beeps rapidly and the needle goes right around to maximum. A huge thumb pops out the side of the machine.]

Cool-o-Meter: Oh, yeah!

Farnsworth: Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 40 mega-Fonzies.

Hermes: Everybody out!

[The kids groans and file out along with Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: So, do you guys know about anything else going on, because I'm totally still ready to party.

[Hermes taps a girl on the shoulder and makes her hand something over. She hands him a lava lamp and runs out.]

Hermes: There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happenin' pad. Where did it all come from?

Tinny Tim: Don't tell, comrades. All for one and one for all!

[Dwight and Cubert look at each other and cave.]

Dwight: We stole it!

Tinny Tim: Oh, crumb!

[Bender's loot safe opens and Bender steps out of it and yawns and stretches.]

Bender: What? What's going on?

Farnsworth: I'll tell you what. Our boys have taken up stealing! One of the worst and coolest of crimes.

Hermes: And all from watching you on TV, you cool jerk.

Bender: Hey, lay off me. TV would stink if everyone on it was a positive role model. Bender is about entertainment, baby! You can't hold me responsible for what kids do when-- Hey! This is my stuff they stole! [He takes Playbot from Tinny Tim.] That's the last straw! Bender should not be allowed on television!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building hundreds of angry dads are crowded around to hear Bender make a speech. The back of the hangar has been opened so the ship is right behind him. Bender stands at a lectern with Farnsworth and Hermes beside him.]

Bender: Bender must be stopped. I've gone too far. Who does that guy think I am? [The dads cheer.] Come on! We're gonna march all the way to Hollywood and make them stop forcing their filthy me down our throats!

[He turns around and heads towards the ship.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender marches up the steps followed by Hermes, Farnsworth and the other members of FART.]
[Scene: The ship takes off from the hangar, flies up into space and back down the other side of America to Hollywood.]
[Cut to: Outside Television Studios. The FART mob march out of the ship, chanting.]

FART Mob: [chanting] Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender!

[The stop marching when they reach a security barrier. Bender takes care of it.]

Bender: This mob's with me.

Security Guard: Go ahead.

[He raises the barrier and the mob carries on marching.]

FART Mob: [chanting] Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with-- [They see a red light and a "Quiet When Red Light Is On" sign outside the Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad soundstage and stop chanting. The light goes off and they carry on.] Bender! Down with Bender!

[Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. On a hospital set, Calculon is dressed as a doctor. Boxy is wearing a tuxedo and is in bed. A formally-dressed Fembot that looks like Boxy is in another bed.]

Calculon: As a doctor and captain of this hospital ship, I now pronounce you man and wife with six months to live.

[His eyes widen in shock. Enter the FART mob.]

Farnsworth: Listen up, Hollywood. We're an exciting, new mob.

Bender: Yeah!

Hermes: You'd better believe it!

Calculon: Great Shatner's ghost!

Bender: We demand that all TV's be equipped with a B-Chip that blocks Bender from appearing on the screen.

Farnsworth: Booya!

[Enter the network president and his Execubots.]

Network President: I'm afraid the answer is a gritty, in-your-face no.

Bender: Then I quit.

Network President: Then you don't quit. [His CD-ROM drive opens and one of the Execubots puts a gun in it and connects it to him.] I think you'll be finishing the scene now, Mr. Bender. And don't skimp on the nasty.

Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty. [He takes a laser out of his lab coat.] We still have the option of resorting to violence.

Hermes: What makes you think that'll work?

Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool was that?

[Bender dances around smoking a cigar.]

Bender: Ooh, yeah! C'mon--

[He panics as Farnsworth points his laser at him.]

Farnsworth: Quit the show!

Network President: Do the scene.

[Bender puts his hands up.]

Farnsworth: I'm a cold-blooded punk!

Network President: I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it.

Bender: Hey, look! The prop guy has a lamp!

[The Execubot turns around with the president in his hands.]

Network President: Really?

Farnsworth: Wha?

[Bender yoinks the guns from their hands.]

Bender: Aha!

[Farnsworth gasps.]

Farnsworth: I was using that!

Bender: Listen up, 'cause I've got a climactic speech! You, cameraman, keep the camera rolling. You, director, gimmie my motivation.

Director: You're angry.

Bender: Perfect. [He turns to the camera.] Viewers of the world, do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cool? Of course they do. [He blows some cigar smoke.] How 'bout committing crimes and violence? Again, the answer is "yes". But do we really want our kids exposed to that kind of trash on TV? I say absolutely not! [He accidentally fires Farnsworth's laser and a laser bolt flies over Farnsworth's head, narrowly missing him. Bender clears his throat.] Uh ... on the other hand, most, perhaps all the blame, rests with the parents. That's right, you! [He points his firearms at the FART mob and they gasp and duck.] And so I ask you this one question: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

Hermes: [ashamed] We're just so busy.

Bender: Well make time.

Director: And ... cut!

[Calculon applauds.]

Calculon: Good enough. Splice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air.

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge.]

Bender: [on TV] : Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

[Archive All My Circuits footage of Calculon reacting to something completely different is spliced in. The staff, Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim watch the TV.]

Hermes: Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.

Cubert: What was it?

[There is more archive footage of Calculon reacting to something in a poker game.]

Farnsworth: Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.

Fry: Hear, hear!

Leela: Yeah!

Bender: Damn right!

[On the TV, Calculon reacts to something on a snowy mountain.]

Dwight: So, should we turn it off now?

Farnsworth: Well, uh, that depends what's on.

[Fry flicks through the channels with the remote.]

Fry: Nothing good.

Farnsworth: Ah, let's just keep watching.

[They all turn back to the screen and watch Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]
[Closing Credits. The staff perform Black Flag's TV Party while watching Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]

Bender: [singing] TV party tonight!

Farnsworth: Wha?

Bender: [singing] TV party tonight!

Farnsworth: Oh!

Fry: [singing] We've got nothing better to do.

Leela: [singing] Than watch TV and have a couple of brews!

Zoidberg: [singing] Don't wanna talk about anything else.

Fry: [singing] We don't wanna know!

Farnsworth: [singing] We're dedicated, yes!

Hermes: [singing] To our favourite shows!

Cubert: All My Circuits

Dwight: Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad!

Amy: Scary Door!

Leela: Blernsday Night Blernsball!

Bender: Futurama!