Transcript:The Tip of the Zoidberg

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Transcript for
The Tip of the Zoidberg
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed bySanfazer


[Opening Credits. Caption: IT'S TENTACULAR!]
[Scene: Outside a building, day. A sign on top of the building reads MOMCORP - OLD FASHIONED - JAMS, JELLIES AND MILITARY SYSTEMS. The camera pans down to the door. MANY YEARS AGO appears on the screen. A limousine-like tank with a symbol consisting of a heart and an M on it drives by. A.D. 2927 appears on the screen. The tank's registration plate reads MOM. The tank stops.]
[Cut to: Inside the building. A door is opened by Mom. Mom enters. The door closes. Mom presses one of the buttons on her suit with her right hand, making the suit disappear and her hair turn black. We see six soldiers loading cargo onto a spaceship as a man writes on a piece of paper. Mom walks up to the man. The man turns to Mom and then to the soldiers.]

Man: Mom on deck! Ten—

[Mom slaps the man as she walks up to the soldiers. The man grunts.]

Mom: Alright, grunts. Here's your pre-mission pep talk. [Mom pulls out a gun with her left hand, cocks the gun, turns to the man, and hands the man the gun.] Shoot anyone who doesn't obey hard enough.

[The man takes the gun.]

Man: But—

[Mom points another gun at the man's head. The man grins. The soldiers salute the man. Professor Farnsworth is sitting down and reading a book labelled MILITARY APPLICATIONS OF SCARY ALIENS.]

Mom: Stop gaining knowledge, Hubert! [The camera zooms out, revealing Professor Farnsworth to still have hair and be sitting on a crate. Two other crates read CONTENTS: MORE CRATES. Mom takes the book off Professor Farnsworth's hands and grunts as she rips it apart. The man is behind her.] It's a simple mission. [Mom points at the soldiers with her right hand.] The grunts catch the Alien, the surgeon guts it, and you smuggle the poison parts back here.

Professor Farnsworth: Eh, something about poison. Got it. Eh, by the way, that surgeon... [Professor Farnsworth stands up.] Where is he?

[Mom turns to the man and slaps him.]

Mom: You! Where's the butcher?!

Man: Ma'am, I dunno, ma'am. 'Is duffel bag arrived.

[The man lifts up a duffel bag labelled PFC. ZOIDBERG and drops it in front of himself, Mom, and Professor Farnsworth. We hear a grunt coming out of the duffel bag.]

Zoidberg: [off camera] It's not a duffel bag. It's my apartment.

[The duffel bag is opened from the inside. Mom crosses her arms. Zoidberg comes out and stands up, revealing himself to be much thinner.]

Mom: Hubert, meet John Zoidberg. [Mom points at Zoidberg with her right hand and then turns to him.] You need an Alien hacked to pieces, he's the best there is. [Mom crosses her arms as she turns to Professor Farnsworth.] In the budget category.

Professor Farnsworth: [to Zoidberg] Have you ever dissected a Yeti before?

Zoidberg: [to Professor Farnsworth] Pfff. [Zoidberg lifts up his right claw and looks at it.] Himalayan or Neptunian?

Professor Farnsworth: Tritonian.

[Zoidberg gasps.]

Zoidberg: A Tritonian Yeti?! [Zoidberg points at Professor Farnsworth with his right claw.] You two aren't up to anything unethical, are you?!

[Mom uncrosses her arms.]

Mom: [calm] Relax. [Mom begins walking away.] There's nothing unethical about covert biological weapons research. [Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth look at Mom in suspicion. Mom stops walking and turns to Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth.] [angry, screaming] I said, "Relax."

[Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth are startled and put their claws and hands behind their backs. Mom leaves. The camera zooms in on Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth are sitting on a bench. Zoidberg is holding a lunch bag with his left hand. Professor Farnsworth is holding a lunch bag with his right hand. Zoidberg is looking at his lunch bag. Professor Farnsworth is looking at Zoidberg. Seen on the floor are five owls and two mice.]

Professor Farnsworth: Ah, Zoidberg. [Professor Farnsworth pulls a mouse out of his bag and throws it on the floor.] We've known each other so long that... Sometimes, I don't think we even need words to understand each other.

[An owl eats the mouse. Zoidberg pulls another mouse out of his bag and throws it on the floor. Professor Farnsworth does the same. Zoidberg turns to Professor Farnsworth.]

Zoidberg: What?

[The Planet Express ship lands, scaring away six owls. Bender and Leela come out. Bender, who is holding a cigar with his left hand and an open lighter with his right hand, puts the cigar in his mouth, lights it up, closes the lighter, and begins smoking the cigar.]

Leela: Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects. Not Aliens who look like objects.

[Fry comes out as well.]

Fry: So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the cactus people were doomed from the start.

[Fry lifts up his right hand, revealing it to have been pierced with fourteen pikes, and looks at it.]
[Cut to: Outside a room. The glass on the door reads Dr. John Zoidberg - "M"D. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
[Cut to: Inside the room. Fry is sitting on a bed. Zoidberg is standing in front of a shelf with ten books on it.]

Zoidberg: So you're in pain and 'ave a bunch o' needles. I prescribe acupuncture. [Zoidberg lifts up a book labelled PRINCIPLES OF ACUPUNCTURE with his right claw.] Let's begin. [Zoidberg hits Fry's right hand with the book. Fry screams.] [scared] Blood?! [casual] I mean, "Blood."

[Zoidberg puts his right claw behind his back.]

Fry: Put it back in me!

[Cut to: Outside the room. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
[Cut to: Inside the room. Leela is sitting on the bed. Zoidberg is standing next to it and looking at a pad, which he is holding with both his claws.]

Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lotta juice. [Zoidberg points forward with his right claw. Leela turns to that direction.] He's developed Simpsons jaundice.

[The camera pans over to Fry. Fry, whose skin has turned yellow, is sitting on the bed.]

Fry: ¡Ay, caramba!

Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.

[Leela turns to Zoidberg. Zoidberg points at Leela with his left claw.]

Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry—

[The camera pans over to Fry.]

Fry: Careful, Leela! [Leela turns to Fry.] He knows less about Human anatomy than I do. And I can't even find my own uterus!

[Leela turns to Zoidberg. Zoidberg is operating a chainsaw.]

Zoidberg: [over the noise, screaming] You may feel a slight sawing!

[Cut to: Outside the room. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
[Cut to: Inside the room. Hermes is sitting on the bed. Zoidberg is standing next to it and looking at the pad, which he is holding with both his claws.]

Zoidberg: And all we need is a little spine supplement to replace what Leela lost in that unavoidable saw mix-up.

[Zoidberg puts down the pad. The camera pans over to Leela. Leela, whose upper body and lower body have been separated, is sitting on the bed with crossed arms.]

Leela: It wasn't unavoidable! [Leela jumps forward.] You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled, "Stop! You're cutting my spine!"

Fry: [off camera] Quit complaining! [The camera pans over to Fry. Fry, whose skin resembles that of Garfield, is sitting on the bed.] My body rejected your liver and now I've got Garfield syndrome. [Fry sighs.] I hate Mondays.

[Fry crosses his arms.]

Zoidberg: Anyhow, Hermes, all Leela needs is one of your vertebrae.

Hermes: But, Doctor, will I be able to limbo afterwards?

Zoidberg: Could you limbo before? [Zoidberg laughs.] Wait. I say, "Yes." And you say, "I couldn't limbo before." You ruined the joke, Hermes!

[Zoidberg points at Hermes with his left claw.]
[Cut to: Outside the room. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
[Cut to: Inside the room. Zoidberg helps Leela, whose upper body and lower body have been reconnected, get up.]

Zoidberg: There you go, Leela. Good as new!

[Fry, whose skin resembles that of Kermit the Frog, is standing behind a desk. Leela, whose spine clicks as it whirls around, walks towards the desk.]

Leela: Whoa! Whoa!

Fry: Oh, sure.

Leela: [continued] Whoa!

Fry: [continued] Leela's fine. [Fry points at Leela with his left hand and at himself with both his hands.] But my jaundice has progressed a Muppet gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.

[Fry crosses his arms. Hermes, who has gotten shorter, enters.]

Hermes: I thought you were only gonna take out one vertebra!

Zoidberg: Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga? Sometimes, you pull one and—

[Zoidberg makes a strange sound. Hermes, Fry, and Leela complain.]

Fry: [over the noise] Oh, yeah? Well, I've got news for ya. I'm not stayin' like this. You're the Doctor!

Zoidberg: Hmmm. What started out as a pleasant afternoon of drugs and surgery has not gone as planned. But don't worry. We still 'ave three or four coworkers with plenty of spare parts.

[Zoidberg claws with both his claws.]
[Flashback: Inside a spaceship. Zoidberg is still clawing with both his claws. Professor Farnsworth is to his left. The windows show space.]

Zoidberg: My first mission. [Zoidberg stops clawing.] I'm so excited. [Zoidberg turns to Professor Farnsworth as the camera zooms out, revealing a black-haired man to be to Professor Farnsworth's left.] And, after I dissect the Yeti's poison glands, we can stop maybe for ice cream on the way back? [Professor Farnsworth turns to Zoidberg and smiles.] With sprinkles on?

[Professor Farnsworth laughs. The windows show a sky.]

Professor Farnsworth: Why, you're just a big kid, aren't you, Zoidberg?

Zoidberg: A very big kid.

[The camera zooms out, revealing the man who spoke earlier. The man is wearing a helmet and a bag pack.]

Man: We're over the drop zone, gentlemen. Might I suggest you jump out the door and poop yourselves.

[The man points at the door, which has just opened. Queued in front of the door are five soldiers wearing helmets and bag packs.]
[Cut to: Outside the spaceship. The five soldiers and Professor Farnsworth, who is also wearing a helmet and a bag pack, grunt as they jump out the spaceship. Zoidberg, who, too, is wearing a helmet and a bag pack, screams as he jumps out the spaceship. Zoidberg's parachute is deployed. The camera zooms out, revealing Professor Farnsworth to be to his right.]

Zoidberg: So, anyway, I hope the men 'ave been taking their hypermalaria pills.

Professor Farnsworth: Their wha?!

Zoidberg: "Their wha?!" [Zoidberg laughs.] That's funny. Like a crazy, old man. But you know what's not funny? [Zoidberg points at Professor Farnsworth with his right claw.] Deadly Tritonian hypermalaria. Just be sure to stay outta the methane swamps. [Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg fall in a body of purple water, where six soldiers have already fallen. Zoidberg smells the air.] What smells like methane?

[musical sting]
[Scene: Outside a building, 3011. The façace reads ACTUAL DOCTOR'S OFFICE. We hear Fry, Leela, and Hermes complaining.]
[Cut to: Inside the building. A door is opened by a doctor.]

Doctor: My God. I've never seen such a gruesome shark attack. [Leela's spine is still showing. Hermes' upper body is connected to his lower body by Scruffy's lower body. Scruffy's head is connected to his left hand. Fry's skin resembles that of a Smurf.] Especially this far inland.

Leela: It wasn't a shark. It was an awful, incompetent doctor.

Doctor: Wow. He must've been a total Zoidberg.

[The doctor closes the door.]

Hermes: It was Zoidberg! He brutalised us with power tools, gypsy curses, and hypnosis!

[Amy, who looks hypnotised, walks up to the doctor.]

Amy: Yes, master.

[The doctor turns to Amy and then to the others.]

Doctor: You'll all get through this. I give you my word as a real doctor.

[Bender, who is wearing a large T-shirt, walks up to the doctor.]

Bender: What about me?

[The doctor turns to Bender.]

Doctor: What did 'e do to you?

Bender: I dunno exactly, but... [Bender lifts up his T-shirt, revealing himself to be wearing a diaper.] [whispering] I'm incontinent.

Doctor: I'm truly sorry.

[The doctor puts his right hand on Bender's right arm and then in his own mouth.]

Fry: I consider myself a reasonable man. Quick with a joke. Slow to anger. But Bender can't go on long car trips anymore an' I say Zoidberg must die!

Hermes: People, please! [Hermes raises his arms.] Let's not overreact— [Hermes' body parts disconnect and fall on the floor.] Death to the crab!

[Flashback: Outside a base camp. We see two doors. There is wind. The camera zooms in on the base camp.]
[Cut to: Inside the base camp. Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg are walking among soldiers in beds.]

Professor Farnsworth: How bad is it, Doctor?

Zoidberg: Super bad. It's Tritonian hypermalaria. [Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth stop walking.] A lot of these men will be dead within twenty-four hours.

[The man who spoke earlier sits up.]

Man: What?!

[Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg look at the man.]

Zoidberg: Not you, though! [Zoidberg points at the man with his right claw.] You'll make a complete recovery and go on to marry a super model! [The man sighs in relief and lies down. Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth resume walking.] Funny plague, hypermalaria. [Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth stop walking.] It can kill immediately. Or lie dormant for decades. But, sooner or later, it erupts, causing fever, spasms, madness, coma, and finally... Death.

[The man sits up.]

Man: What?!

[Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth look at the man.]

Zoidberg: Super model!

Professor Farnsworth: Oh! [Zoidberg looks at Professor Farnsworth.] Those poor, doomed bastards. I guess it's up to me to complete the mission.

[Professor Farnsworth puts on a coat and grabs a rifle.]
[Cut to: Outside the base camp. One of the doors is opened by Professor Farnsworth. Zoidberg walks up to the door. Professor Farnsworth turns to Zoidberg.]

Professor Farnsworth: I'll be in the swamp, blowing the smirk off a toxic Yeti.

[Professor Farnsworth cocks the rifle and turns forward. The camera zooms in on Professor Farnsworth's face.] [musical sting]
[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's laboratory, 3011. Professor Farnsworth, who is trembling with cold, walks up to a hanger with three coats on it, grabs one of the coats, and puts it on. The camera zooms out, revealing Hermes, Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, and Scruffy. All are back to normal, except for Bender, who is still wearing the diaper.]

Hermes: Professor, we need to talk! [Hermes raises his right fist.] Man-to-mob. [Hermes, Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, and Scruffy complain.] [over the noise] You need to listen to us! Yes, you do!

[Leela walks up to Professor Farnsworth.]

Leela: We've had it with Zoidberg! [Leela points at Professor Farnsworth with her right hand and pokes him in the chest three times.] We demand you fire him!

Professor Farnsworth: Nonsense! Zoidberg's a fine physician. [Professor Farnsworth shrugs.] For Aliens. [Professor Farnsworth points at the others with his left hand.] Your mistake is being Humans! No. If I'm going to fire anyone, it'll be Scruffy.

[Leela has crossed her arms. Hermes, Amy, Fry, Leela, and Bender complain. Scruffy remains silent.]

Hermes: [over the noise] Ya can't do that!

Bender: [over the noise] What did Scruffy ever do to you?!

Amy: [angry, screaming] Over my dead body!

[Bender extends his arms so that he can grab Professor Farnsworth's and shakes Professor Farnsworth.]

Bender: Don't you get it, old man? [Bender lets go of Professor Farnsworth.] Thanks to Dr. Scissor Hands, I wet myself every time I laugh. [Fry chuckles. Bender turns to Fry.] It's not funny! Well... I guess it is kinda funny. [Bender chuckles.] Uh-oh.

Hermes: Why are you protecting Zoidberg, Professor? [Hermes points at Professor Farnsworth with his right hand.] Do you owe him something?

[Leela points at Professor Farnsworth with her right hand.]

Leela: Is he blackmailing you somehow?

[Amy walks up to Professor Farnsworth and grabs his arms.]

Amy: What does 'e have on you?! [Amy shakes Professor Farnsworth.] Why have you kept 'im around all these years when 'e's so grossly incompetent?!

[Amy pushes Professor Farnsworth against a table. Fry has crossed his arms. Professor Farnsworth sighs. The camera begins zooming in on Professor Farnsworth.]

Professor Farnsworth: Long ago, Zoidberg an' I entered into a secret arrangement relating to certain extraordinary events too horrible to reveal. [The camera stops zooming in on Professor Farnsworth.] [angry, screaming] So there's nothing to be curious about!

[Professor Farnsworth leaves. The door closes, revealing a male restroom sign.]
[Flashback: Triton. A sack bearing a drawing of a Yeti in a circle and labelled YETI BAIT is held by Professor Farnsworth with his left hand and opened by Professor Farnsworth with his right hand. Professor Farnsworth empties the sack, throws it away, runs towards a hole, jumps inside the hole, turns to the sack's contents, cocks the rifle, and aims. We hear a noise. Professor Farnsworth turns to his left, screams effeminately as he whirls around, and begins shooting.]

Professor Farnsworth: [yelling] Stop or I'll shoot! [Professor Farnsworth tries to keep control, but falls to his right knee and stops shooting. We see the dimly lit vastness of the forest and trees with laser-shot holes scattered around. Zoidberg appears crouched with his arms up for cover and steps out of the bushes.] [back to normal, off camera] Zoidberg?!

[Zoidberg approaches Professor Farnsworth.]

Zoidberg: You can't hunt a Yeti by yourself, sir. [Professor Farnsworth stands up.] It's suicidal.

Professor Farnsworth: So what?! [Professor Farnsworth raises his arms.] I'm going to die of hypermalaria, anyway. I was in the same swamp as the rest of the men.

Zoidberg: Just because you were in the swamp, doesn't necessarily mean—

Professor Farnsworth: I was thirsty from the flight! I drank swamp water! Look, Zoidberg. [Professor Farnsworth puts his right hand on Zoidberg's left shoulder.] You're a loyal friend.

[Zoidberg turns to his left shoulder and then looks at Professor Farnsworth.]

Zoidberg: [touched] Friend?!

Professor Farnsworth: But I'm doomed. [Professor Farnsworth removes his right hand from Zoidberg's left shoulder.] I might as well capture a Yeti and die trying.

[Professor Farnsworth turns back. Zoidberg puts his right claw on Professor Farnsworth's left shoulder.]

Zoidberg: Then you'll need someone to dissect it! [Professor Farnsworth looks back at Zoidberg.] Friend.

[Zoidberg smiles. Professor Farnsworth does the same. Two logs are destroyed by a Yeti. The Yeti growls. Professor Farnsworth turns to the Yeti and cocks the rifle.]

Professor Farnsworth: Go, Johnny! Go! [Professor Farnsworth turns back to Zoidberg.] That's an order!

Zoidberg: Never! Zoidberg doesn't abandon a friend apparently.

[The Yeti approaches Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth shoots at the Yeti repeatedly, losing control of the rifle, which fires itself away.]

Professor Farnsworth: Ooh! Ooh-ho-ho!

[The Yeti growls as it approaches Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth.]

Zoidberg: I'll save us! By scaring 'im off with my crazy war noise! [Zoidberg makes a strange sound. The Yeti grabs Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams. The camera pans over to Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth covers his face with his left hand. The Yeti is crunching Zoidberg's head.] Crunch all you want. I'll make more.

[Zoidberg's head has almost been shattered.]
[Cut to: Zoidberg's office, 3011. Zoidberg is wearing a stethoscope. The camera zooms out, revealing Zoidberg to be auscultating a skeleton.]

Zoidberg: Oy. [Zoidberg takes off the stethoscope.] I lost another one.

[We hear the door open. Zoidberg is alarmed.]

Leela: [off camera] Zoidberg... [The camera pans over to Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, and Fry, who have just entered. Amy and Bender enter. Fry crosses his arms.] [on camera] I'm sorry to break it to you this way, but we hate you and we never wanna see you again.

Zoidberg: But, friends—

[Leela has crossed her arms. Fry has uncrossed his.]

Hermes: We're not your friends! We're your victims!

Zoidberg: I was just trying to—

Amy: Shut up and give me my kidney back!

[Zoidberg whimpers.]

Zoidberg: I'm sorry. [Zoidberg pulls a kidney out of his coat with his left claw.] I'm sorry.

[Zoidberg buries his face in his hands and whimpers. Leela has uncrossed her arms.]

Fry: We dunno why the Professor keeps you around here and we don't care! [Zoidberg has removed his face from his hands.] [off camera] You're a terrible doctor! [Hermes has crossed his arms. Fry points at Zoidberg with his right hand three times. Amy puts the kidney in her left pocket with her right hand.] [on camera] Nobody wants to see you ever again!

[Professor Farnsworth enters.]

Professor Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, I want to see you right now!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, night. The camera zooms in on the building.]
[Cut to: Outside Professor Farnsworth's laboratory. Professor Farnsworth, who is at the door, looks to his right, to his left, and to his right again. The door begins closing.]
[Cut to: Inside Professor Farnsworth's laboratory. Zoidberg is looking at Professor Farnsworth. The door finishes closing. Professor Farnsworth removes his right hand from a button on the wall and turns to Zoidberg.]

Professor Farnsworth: The time 'as come, my friend. [Professor Farnsworth walks up to Zoidberg and puts his hands on Zoidberg's shoulders.] We have to talk about... Our arrangement.

[Zoidberg walks backwards.]

Zoidberg: Oh, no! [Professor Farnsworth approaches Zoidberg. Zoidberg shoves what appears to be a television set on the floor and leans against a table.] No! No! [Zoidberg stands up.] Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no!

[Zoidberg lifts up his claws.]
[Flashback: Triton. The Yeti is still crunching Zoidberg's head.]

Zoidberg: Oh, no!

[The camera zooms out, revealing Professor Farnsworth to have climbed a tree. Zoidberg complains. Professor Farnsworth grabs a liana with his right hand.]

Professor Farnsworth: Unpaw him, you big ape! [Professor Farnsworth grabs a knife from his left boot with his left hand.] I saw this in a Tarzan movie. [Professor Farnsworth jumps at the Yeti.] It was called... [Professor Farnsworth stabs the Yeti. The Yeti grunts.] Tarzan versus the Yetis. [Professor Farnsworth stabs the Yeti. The Yeti grunts.] I lost my virginity... [Professor Farnsworth stabs the Yeti. The Yeti grunts.] Ooh! During the film. So I'm... Hah! [Professor Farnsworth stabs the Yeti. The Yeti grunts.] A little fuzzy on the details. [The Yeti scratches Professor Farnsworth's neck. Professor Farnsworth screams and attempts to stab the Yeti again, but the Yeti, which is holding Zoidberg with its left hand, throws him against the tree.] Oh! [Professor Farnsworth hits the tree, grunts, and falls on the ground. Professor Farnsworth's knife has fallen on the ground as well. Professor Farnsworth stands up and looks at his left hand, which is covered with blood. The Yeti is crunching Zoidberg's head again. Professor Farnsworth, who is holding his knife with his left hand, runs towards the Yeti. The Yeti drops Zoidberg on the ground. Professor Farnsworth jumps at the Yeti. The Yeti falls down. Professor Farnsworth lifts up his head, revealing that he has stabbed the Yeti in the chest and turns to Zoidberg. Zoidberg is rubbing his head. Professor Farnsworth walks up to Zoidberg.] John... [Zoidberg looks at Professor Farnsworth and stops rubbing his head. Professor Farnsworth kneels in front of Zoidberg.] Are you alright?

Zoidberg: You! [Zoidberg turns to Professor Farnsworth.] You saved my life!

[Zoidberg smiles.]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, fuff.

[Professor Farnsworth stands up.]

Zoidberg: Yes, fuff. [Zoidberg stands up.] How can I ever repay you?! Do you need a slave? [Zoidberg shrugs.] Or maybe a butler?

Professor Farnsworth: No, I haven't needed a butler since grad school. But I do need a doctor. [Professor Farnsworth points at Zoidberg with his left hand.] I don't wanna die like those marines, John. [Professor Farnsworth puts his hands on Zoidberg's shoulders.] The fever! The madness!

Zoidberg: Don't forget the spasms, coma, and death.

[Zoidberg lifts up his right claw. Professor Farnsworth lets go of Zoidberg and turns back.]

Professor Farnsworth: I don't want to go through that! [Professor Farnsworth turns to Zoidberg and grabs him.] I want you to kill me!

Zoidberg: Alright. [Zoidberg lifts up his left claw.] Give me the knife.

Professor Farnsworth: Not now! [Professor Farnsworth lets go of Zoidberg and turns back.] Hypermalaria can lie dormant for years. [Professor Farnsworth turns to Zoidberg.] Isn't that what you said?

Zoidberg: It sounds like something I would say.

[Professor Farnsworth puts his hands on Zoidberg's right arm.]

Professor Farnsworth: So stay with me until the symptoms start. Then... [Professor Farnsworth puts his right hand on his chest.] Put me out of my misery. You must swear!

[Professor Farnsworth puts his hands on Zoidberg's shoulders. Zoidberg looks at his left arm and then at Professor Farnsworth.]

Zoidberg: Alright, Hubert. [Zoidberg puts his right claw on Professor Farnsworth's right arm and smiles.] I swear.

[Professor Farnsworth smiles.]
[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's laboratory, 3011.]

Professor Farnsworth: It's started, Zoidberg. The fever. The muscle spasms. [Professor Farnsworth slaps himself twice with each hand.] I'm dying. [Professor Farnsworth coughs aggressively.] It's time for you to keep your promise and kill me.

[Professor Farnsworth walks up to Zoidberg and puts his right hand on Zoidberg's right shoulder. Zoidberg looks at Professor Farnsworth, puts his left claw on Professor Farnsworth's right hand, and closes his eyes.]

Zoidberg: This is very difficult. [Zoidberg opens his eyes.] But I'll try... [Zoidberg turns to Professor Farnsworth.] Friend.

[Zoidberg makes a strange sound and raises his arms. Zoidberg's fin appears. Zoidberg puts his claws around Professor Farnsworth's neck and pushes him against a table. Professor Farnsworth is suffocating.]

Professor Farnsworth: No! Wait! [Professor Farnsworth puts his hands on Zoidberg's arms.] I'm afraid to die!

Zoidberg: Argh! [Zoidberg's fin disappears.] You said you wanted me to kill you! [Zoidberg points at Professor Farnsworth with his right claw.] Is this one o' those "No means yes" deals?!

Professor Farnsworth: Yes and no. [Professor Farnsworth stands up and points at Zoidberg with his left hand.] I do want you to kill me. But I mustn't see it coming. That would be agony! [Professor Farnsworth walks up to Zoidberg.] So you must murder me completely by surprise.

Zoidberg: As God is my witness, you can count on me. [Zoidberg points at himself with his right claw twice.] Well... See you tomorrow.

[Zoidberg leaves. Professor Farnsworth walks up to the table and looks inside a microscope on it with his right eye. Zoidberg, who is holding a knife with his right hand, enters, walking slowly, and prepares to impale Professor Farnsworth.]

Professor Farnsworth: Not surprising enough!

[Zoidberg leaves, walking backwards slowly.]
[Montage: The song "Mr. Sandman" begins playing. The New New York sky. The camera pans down to the Planet Express headquarters. Professor Farnsworth's figure appears on one of the windows. The camera zooms out, revealing Zoidberg to be on top of a building, wearing a bonnet, and holding a rifle covered with a cloth with his left hand. Zoidberg puts the cloth on the floor, cocks the rifle, aims at Professor Farnsworth, and shoots three times. Professor Farnsworth's figures walks away calmly. Zoidberg looks surprised.]
[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's bedroom. Bender is making a shadow of Professor Farnsworth's figure on the wall with his hands. Professor Farnsworth and Fry are sitting on Professor Farnsworth's bed and smiling. A lamp is in front of Professor Farnsworth and Fry and behind Bender. Bender lifts up his feet, making shadows of the figures of himself and Fry appear on the wall. Professor Farnsworth and Fry clap. Bender turns to Professor Farnsworth and Fry, smiling.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge, day. Zoidberg opens a HIGH VOLTAGE cabinet, grabs a green electrical wire with his left claw and a red electrical wire his right claw and puts them together. A spark is created. The camera zooms out, revealing Professor Farnsworth to be sleeping on the couch. Zoidberg begins approaching Professor Farnsworth.]

Professor Farnsworth: Eh, wha?! Oh! [Professor Farnsworth screams effeminately and puts his right hand on his chest.] My... [Zoidberg stops approaching Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth grunts.] Heart!

[Professor Farnsworth falls over. Zoidberg puts the electrical wires back in the cabinet and leaves. The door closes. The electrical wires fall on the couch, electrocute Professor Farnsworth, and burst. Professor Farnsworth grunts as he stands up and begins walking vigorously.]
[Cut to: Inside the Planet Express conference room. Professor Farnsworth is piloting a remote-controlled airplane.]
[Cut to: Outside the Planet Express conference room. We see the shadow of Zoidberg's face on the door. The door opens.]
[Cut to: Inside the Planet Express conference room. Zoidberg approaches Professor Farnsworth, walking slowly. Leela, Fry, and Bender, who have just entered, look at Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth. Zoidberg pushes Professor Farnsworth, making him drop the remote control in the Planet Express hangar and almost making him fall. Professor Farnsworth grunts.]

Fry: Hey!

Leela: What are you doing there?

[Fry and Leela run towards Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth.]

Professor Farnsworth: Whoa! [Zoidberg grabs Professor Farnsworth's coat.] Whoa! [Leela runs on top of the conference table. Fry runs on the floor.] Whoa! [Leela grabs Zoidberg. Zoidberg is holding Professor Farnsworth's coat. Professor Farnsworth has fallen. Fry grabs the remote control. The song stops playing. Fry makes the remote-controlled airplane fly by Professor Farnsworth.] Whoa!

[Professor Farnsworth grabs the remote-controlled airplane and does not fall any further.]

Zoidberg: Stop! You don't understand!

[Leela and Zoidberg begin walking.]

Leela: Let's go, you murderer! Fry, help me lock 'im up!

[Leela and Zoidberg leave.]

Fry: Hang on. I'm learnin' how to do loop-de-loops.

[Fry smiles as he makes Professor Farnsworth fly around.]

Professor Farnsworth: Whoa! Whoa! Woo!

[Cut to: Inside Zoidberg's office. We see the shadow of Bender's face on the door's window. The door opens. Fry is holding Zoidberg's right arm. Leela is holding Zoidberg's left arm. Zoidberg is wearing Professor Farnsworth's coat backwards.]

Zoidberg: You're making a mistake! I was only trying to kill the Professor!

[Fry and Leela throw Zoidberg inside. Zoidberg grunts.]
[Cut to: Outside Zoidberg's office. Zoidberg's claws have been tied. Zoidberg looks back. The door closes. Fry and Leela walk to the right as a piece of old furniture is dragged in front of the door by Bender from the left. Bender grunts.]

Bender: Ooh.

[Cut to: Inside Zoidberg's office. Zoidberg stands up, unties his claws, undresses Professor Farnsworth's coat, and looks at its label in sadness. Professor Farnsworth's coat's label reads PROF. HUBERT FARNSWORTH - SIZE. XX-BONY. The camera zooms in on the label.]

Zoidberg: Hubert... I'm sorry. [Zoidberg grabs a lock of white hair from the coat.] Wha?! He doesn't have hair. [Zoidberg puts the lock of white hair on a microscope and looks inside it with his left eye.] Great Little Caesar's ghost!

[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's laboratory. Professor Farnsworth is sitting on a chair and rubbing a towel on his head with his right hand.]

Professor Farnsworth: You fools! [Professor Farnsworth takes the towel off his head and turns to his left.] You stupid, life-prolonging fools! [Hermes, Leela, Fry, Bender, and Amy are also present. Fry has crossed his arms.] I asked Zoidberg to kill me!

[Professor Farnsworth puts the towel back on his head.]

Amy: Huh?!

[Leela and Fry turn to each other. Bender points at Professor Farnsworth with his left hand.]

Bender: What you talkin' 'bout, Professor?!

Hermes: Professor, have you gone mad?!

[Professor Farnsworth takes the towel off his head.]

Professor Farnsworth: Probably! [Professor Farnsworth puts the towel back on his head.] It's one o' the symptoms of Tritonian hypermalaria!

[Amy gasps.]

Amy: You mean the incurable disease that causes fever... [Professor Farnsworth squeezes the towel, making a pool on the floor.] Spasms... [Professor Farnsworth punches himself with his right hand, dropping the towel on the floor, punches himself with his left hand, and slaps himself with his right hand.] Insanity... [Professor Farnsworth looks up, laughs maniacally, and kicks the pool four times with his right foot and five times with his left foot.] Coma... [Professor Farnsworth falls over.] And finally death?!

[There is a pause. Professor Farnsworth points at Amy with his left hand.]

Professor Farnsworth: Yes! And I begged Zoidberg to put me out of my misery! [Professor Farnsworth points at the door with his right hand.] Bring 'im! [Professor Farnsworth violently hits his chin with his right knee, grunts, puts his hands on his chin, and leans back in his chair.] Quickly!

[Cut to: Outside Zoidberg's office. Fry, Amy, Bender, Hermes, and Leela are destroying the piece of old furniture with tools. Scruffy walks up to Fry.]

Scruffy: Hmmm. Should've known better than to store my antiques in the office.

[Cut to: Inside Zoidberg's office. We see the shadows of the faces of Fry, Leela, and Amy on the door's window.]

Leela: Zoidberg, we were wrong! [The door opens.] We're letting you out so you can kill the Professor!

[Amy, Bender, Hermes, Leela, and Fry enter. All look down. The camera zooms out, revealing a hole to have been dug on the floor.] [musical sting] [Through the window, we see another hole and Zoidberg walking across the street like a crab.]

Zoidberg: [quickly] Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop.

[Amy approaches the window and puts her hands on it. Zoidberg disappears.]

Amy: Oh, no! [Amy turns to her left.] He sand-crabbed out!

[Leela sighs.]

Leela: Then we have no choice. We'll have to mercy-kill the Professor ourselves.

[Amy turns to the others.]

Bender: Well, let's get started.

[Bender opens his chest cabinet with his right hand, grabs a small rake with his left hand, and closes his chest cabinet with his right hand.]
[Scene: Outside Momco, night. The camera zooms in on the tower.]
[Cut to: Mom's office. Mom removes her hands from the neck on her suit, which is on a piece of wood, and turns to her left. Walt, Larry, and Igner have just entered.]

Walt: We have a situation, Mother. This creature tried to sand-crab into the building.

[The camera pans over to Zoidberg, who is accompanied by two men. Zoidberg and the two men have just entered.]

Mom: Zoidberg?!

Zoidberg: Sorry I didn't call first, Carol. Uh... But I'm in a hurry! I need your help to save Hubert!

[Mom points at Zoidberg with her right hand.]

Mom: [to the two men] Let him go [to Larry, Walt, and Igner] and stooge the hell out of here!

[The two men leave.]

Larry: We're on it.

[Larry pokes Walt's eyes.]

Walt: Ow!

[Walt accidentally hits Igner's chin with his left elbow and buries his face in his hands.]

Igner: Ow!

[Igner puts his left hand on his chin and punches Larry's with his right fist.]

Larry: Ow!

[Larry puts his left hand on his chin. Walt, Larry, and Igner head towards the door crestfallen.]

Zoidberg: Beautiful kids. You must be very proud!

[Zoidberg points at Mom with his right claw. Walt, Larry, and Igner leave. Mom has crossed her arms.]

Mom: John Zoidberg... It's been a long time. How've you been?

[Mom points at Zoidberg with her left hand. Zoidberg walks up to a chair.]

Zoidberg: Not too bad. [Zoidberg sits down.] Last year, I took a bus trip to the Grand Canyon. [Zoidberg points at Mom with his right claw.] Later, I'll show you the pictures.

Mom: Do you ever regret it, John? [Mom walks up to Zoidberg and leans over him.] Leaving me to work for the Professor?

[Zoidberg sighs.]

Zoidberg: What do you want me to say? [Zoidberg shrugs.] 'E saved my life.

[Mom stands up and raises her arms.]

Mom: Oh, big deal! You could've been rich if you'd stayed. [Mom points at Zoidberg with her left hand.] Your own lab... A full staff...

Zoidberg: But Hubert is my friend. [Zoidberg closes his eyes.] 'E's very sick. [Zoidberg opens his eyes and points at himself with his left claw.] I can cure him. But I need the thing! The thing... [The camera zooms in on Zoidberg's face.] From Triton!

[musical sting]

Mom: It'll cost you, John. [Mom turns to her left and lifts up her right hand.] How much are you worth now?

[Zoidberg shrugs.]

Zoidberg: I live in a dumpster. [Zoidberg pulls a piece of paper out of his coat with his right claw.] All I have in the world is this coupon for one free session at the tanning salon.

Mom: [sad] Oh, John. [Mom points at Zoidberg with her left hand.] That's really all you have? [Zoidberg nods.] [happy] Then I'll take it.

[Mom grabs the piece of paper with her left hand, puts it in her breasts, and smiles.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. Professor Farnsworth is lying on a bed. The camera zooms out, revealing the bed to be being carried by Bender, Fry, Amy, and Leela through an aisle. Professor Farnsworth complains. Bender, Fry, Hermes, Amy, and Leela leave the bed on a bullseye. Scruffy, who is welding and wearing a welding mask, turns to his left.]

Scruffy: Okay. [Scruffy lifts up the welding mask.] Murdolator's finished.

[Bender, Fry, Hermes, Amy, and Leela look around. The camera zooms out, revealing a giant Rube Goldberg machine resembling a roller coaster.]

Bender: I said I'd kill 'im myself! [Bender raises his arms and then crosses them.] Nobody listens to Bender!

[Leela is holding a tray with six small bottles on it.]

Leela: We all have to share in the guilt. [Leela turns to Bender.] Which is why we're each going to add one drop of cyanide to the death wheel as it goes by.

[Leela points at the bottles with her left hand, looks up, and points up with her left hand. The camera pans up to a wheel with six axes on it and a tube as its axis. Fry, Amy, Bender, Hermes, Scruffy, and Leela grab one bottle each. Leela drops the tray on the floor. Professor Farnsworth grunts. Fry, Hermes, Leela, Bender, and Amy enter an elevator each and ascend to the top. The lights go out.]

Scruffy: Commence mercy-killing... [Scruffy is wearing a cloth with holes for eyes on his head.] In three... [Scruffy lifts up a small flag with his left hand.] Two... [Scruffy pulls down the small flag.] Ayup.

[Hermes kicks the wheel and adds one drop from his bottle to one of the axes.]

Hermes: Kill-check one is go!

[The wheel passes by Fry. Fry adds one drop from his bottle to one of the axes. The wheel is locked and a set of matches in the tube topples a set of dominoes. The dominoes, which spell Murdolator™, end on a mousetrap, but fail to activate it. Leela, Fry, Hermes, Bender, and Amy gasp. Fry makes a gesture illustrating the activation. The dominoes manage to activate the mousetrap.]

Leela: [off camera] Yay!

Amy: [off camera] Woohoo!

[The mousetrap unlocks the wheel.]

Fry: Kill-check two is go!

[Fry raises his left arm. The wheel enters a box. The matches ignite. The flaming tube burns six ropes, launching six fireworks. The fireworks exit the building.]
[Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. A group of nine Humans including Hattie is present.]

Humans: Ooh!

[The fireworks read FARNSWORTH MERCY-KILLING. A woman appears.]

Woman: Wow!

Hattie: It's about time.

[Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. The wheel approaches Bender. Bender puts on a chef's hat with his right hand. The wheel passes by Bender. Bender jumps onto the wheel and crosses his arms. One of the axes cuts a rope holding a weight labelled 5 TONS on at least two sides, opening three cages, which contain a lettuce, a tomato, and an onion.]

Female voice: Vegetables activated.

[The vegetables slide towards the wheel and each is cut by one of the axes. Bender catches the vegetables in a bowl with his right hand, opens his chest cabinet with his left hand, and grabs his bottle with his left hand. Bender's chest cabinet closes. Bender adds one drop from his bottle to one of the axes and grunts as he jumps onto a platform.]

Bender: Kill-check three is go! Also, the salad's ready.

Leela: Yay, salad!

Amy: Yay!

[Fry and Hermes cheer indistinctly.]

Zoidberg: [off camera] What the hell are you doing?!

[Leela, Fry, Hermes, Bender, and Amy turn to Zoidberg. Zoidberg is holding a box with the symbol consisting of a heart and an M.] [musical sting]

Leela: [off camera] Zoidberg! [Leela descends through the elevator and runs towards Zoidberg.] [on camera] We know about your secret agreement. [Leela points at herself with both her hands.] I am so, so sorry for how we treated you.

[Leela points at Zoidberg with both her hands. Fry and Hermes appear.]

Fry: And, to make it up to you, we're killing the Professor for you so he doesn't die horribly from hypermalaria.

[Bender and Amy appear.]

Zoidberg: 'E doesn't have hypermalaria, you idiots! [We hear a growling sound. The camera zooms out, revealing Scruffy and Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth, who has grown white hair, sits up as he growls.] 'E has Yetiism. [Leela, Fry, Bender, Amy, and Hermes gasp. Zoidberg walks up to the bed.] When 'e saved my life all those years ago, 'e was scratched by a Yeti!

[The Professor Farnsworth Yeti sits on the bed. Zoidberg puts the box on the bed and walks up to the Professor Farnsworth Yeti. Hermes, Amy, and Fry approach the bed. The scratch on the Professor Farnsworth Yeti's neck beats with its heart. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti's skin is covered with white hair. Bender and Leela have approached the bed. Fry is stroking his chin.]

Fry: Hmmm. I consider myself almost completely ignorant of modern medicine. [Fry points at the Professor Farnsworth Yeti with his left hand.] And I've never heard of Yetiism.

[Zoidberg has put his claws on the Professor Farnsworth Yeti's shoulders.]

Zoidberg: It mimics the symptoms of hypermalaria exactly. [The Professor Farnsworth Yeti lies down.] Except for the part where, instead of dying, you turn into a Yeti! [The wheel approaches Zoidberg. Zoidberg avoids the wheel and makes a strange sound. The wheel lands next to a set of logs, above which is a kettle, and its flaming tube burns it. The camera zooms in on the kettle. The water in the kettle begins evaporating.] Wow! [The Professor Farnsworth Yeti begins screaming.] Hold 'im down while I prepare the antidote.

[Scruffy, Hermes, Fry, Amy, and Leela hold down the Professor Farnsworth Yeti. Bender runs towards the other side of the bed. Zoidberg presses a button on top of the box with his left claw. The box opens. Zoidberg pulls a Yeti's head out of it with his left claw.] [musical sting]

Leela: Another Yeti?!

Zoidberg: Yes. [Zoidberg looks at the Yeti's head.] The same jerk that once noshed on me like a shrimp toast. [Zoidberg pulls a giant bolt out of his right pocket with his right claw.] Now, who's getting 'is pineal gland extracted? [Zoidberg grunts as he extracts a gland from the Yeti's head.] Ah, yes. [Zoidberg holds up the gland.] This contains a concentrated form of the Yeti neurotoxin.

Hermes: But that's what gave 'im Yetiism in the first place! Won't it just make 'im a double Yeti?!

Zoidberg: Don't lecture me about Alien physiology, Conrad! The pineal neurotoxin neutralises the adrenal neurotoxin. That's why Yetis don't drive themselves mad!

[The Professor Farnsworth Yeti growls aggressively. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti's glasses are red and its shirt is ripped off. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti stands up, throws Hermes, Scruffy, Fry, Leela, Bender, and Amy away, and raises its arms. Hermes has fallen on top of Scruffy. Amy has fallen on top of Leela.]

Fry: My God. He's like some kinda believable Hulk!

Zoidberg: No time for an injection. [Zoidberg grabs the gland with his mouth hand, throws the giant bolt away, climbs the Professor Farnsworth Yeti, holds its head with his claws, opens its mouth with two of his mouth fingers, and spits the gland into it. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti closes its mouth, swallows the gland, and throws Zoidberg away with its left hand.] Uh! [Zoidberg hits the wall, makes a strange sound, falls on the floor, and grunts. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti grows in size.] [off camera] I'll be damned. It did make 'im a double Yeti!

[The water in the kettle evaporates completely, making the kettle lighter than the weight, which unlocks the wheel. The wheel begins moving. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti changes the rail's trajectory. The wheel moves towards Bender and cuts his head in half. Bender complains. The wheel cuts a rope, making a grand piano fall on the rail, which makes the machine collapse. Fry, Amy, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, and Scruffy run away. The Professor Farnsworth Yeti is hit. A set of plates falls on the floor, activating a machine-gun. The machine gun falls on a ladder, which is connected to a rope with a hook on it. The hook makes a hole in a big sphere of cloth, making hundreds of small spheres fall on top of the machine's remains. Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Fry, and Bender stand up.]

Amy: [sad] It wasn't supposed to do any of those things.

[Amy shrugs. A group of birds emerges from inside the remains and exits the building. Professor Farnsworth, who is wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, emerges from inside the remains as well and looks at himself.]

Professor Farnsworth: You did it, Johnny. I'm cured!

[Professor Farnsworth raises his arms. Bender, Hermes, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, and Scruffy approach the remains. Bender gasps.]

Bender: Wow! [Professor Farnsworth begins getting off the remains. Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth hug. The camera zooms out, revealing Hermes, Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender, and Scruffy. Bender turns to the others.] Alright, let's set it up and try again.

[Bender points at the remains with his left hand.]
[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, afternoon. The camera zooms in on the building.]
[Cut to: Inside the Planet Express employee lounge. Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, and Fry are sitting on the couch. Professor Farnsworth, who is eating the salad with a fork on his right hand, turns to his left.]

Professor Farnsworth: There's one thing I don't understand, Zoidberg. [Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are also present. Amy is sitting on the couch's right arm.] How did you persuade Mom to give you her precious Yeti head? Did you 'ave to promise anything in return?

Zoidberg: [sad] Nothing. Nothing at all.

[Zoidberg looks down.]

Amy: This calls for a celebration! Come on, everyone! [Amy stands up.] Let's go tanning!

[Zoidberg looks at the others in sadness. Hermes and Fry stand up.]

Bender: Hooray!

[Professor Farnsworth puts the bowl on the couch and stands up as well. Amy, Fry, Hermes, and Bender leave running.]

Professor Farnsworth: Yay!

[Cut to: Outside the Planet Express employee lounge. Leela and Professor Farnsworth leave running. Zoidberg sighs.]

Zoidberg: [sad] I was going to tan... [Zoidberg looks down.] Once.

[Professor Farnsworth appears.]

Professor Farnsworth: What do you say, Johnny? [Professor Farnsworth approaches the door.] It's on me.

[Cut to: Inside the Planet Express employee lounge. Zoidberg smiles.]

Zoidberg: [comforted] Thank you, Hubert.

[Time lapse. A hole has been dug on the floor. The camera pans forward to the window. Through the window, we see another hole and Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg walking across the street and around a street lamp like crabs.]

Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg: [quickly, in unison] Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop.

[Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg disappear.]
[Closing Credits.]