Difference between revisions of "Transcript:Bender's Big Score Part 4"

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(New page: {{transcript infobox |for=The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 4 |written by=Ken Keeler |thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92'' |prev ep=Bender's Big Score Part 3 |next ep=The Beast ...)
 
 
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{{transcript infobox
{{transcript infobox
|for=The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 4
|for=Bender's Big Score Part 4
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92''
|thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92''
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|next film=The Beast with a Billion Backs
|next film=The Beast with a Billion Backs
}}
}}
[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]


:''[Opening Credits. Caption: Last known transmission of the Hubble Telescope]''


TV Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
:''[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]  


'''TV Announcer''': ''[voice over]'' And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.


[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]
:''[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]''


Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.
'''Zoidberg''': Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.  


Fry: Are you okay, Leela?  
'''Fry''': Are you okay, Leela?  


Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.
'''Leela''': Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.  


'''Zoidberg''': ''[angry]'' You stay out of my dumpster!


Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!
:''[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]''


'''Announcer''': We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.


[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]
:''[Hypnotoad turns toward him]''


Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.
'''Announcer''': Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!


:''[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]''


[Hypnotoad turns toward him]
'''[[Nixon]]''': My fellow Earthicans, I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.


Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!
'''Bender''': That'll teach those scammers and me.  


'''Nixon''': Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andrrrrrrromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!


[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]
'''Leela''': Oh, Lord.


Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.
'''Nixon''': So assuming all goes ... ''[Headless Body of Agnew grunts]'' What's that, Agnew? A telegram? ''[reads telegram]'' Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamadonia.  


Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.
:''[Scene: South Street Spaceport]''


Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!
'''Nudar, Fleb and Schlump''': [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff!, etc.


Leela: Oh, Lord.
'''Leela''': All aboard for Neptune!


Nixon: And all I had to do was hand over our last remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ... What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamedonia.
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune.  


:''[The PE ship takes off]''


[Scene: South Street Spaceport]
'''Nudar''': Thanks for the planet, suckers.


Nudar: [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff.
:''[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]''


Leela: All aboard for Neptune!
:''[Scene: Neptunian cave]''


Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.  
'''Bender''': It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.  


[The PE ship takes off]
'''Leela''': What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the [[Yetis]].


Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.
'''Zoidberg''': Yetis? ''[Yetis growl from outside]'' Oh, Yetis.  




[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]
:''[Seconds later, Yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]''


'''Leela''': Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.


[Scene: Neptunian cave]
'''Hermes''': Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.


Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.
:''[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]''


Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the yetis.
:''[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]''


Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.
'''Inuit #2''': Is that normal?  


Farnsworth: Amy, you speak yeti. What are they saying?
'''Inuit #1''': No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...  


Amy: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the interlopers."
'''Fry-2''': Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?


:''[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange male narwhal doing flips and spins]''


[Seconds later, yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]
'''Fry-2''': That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.  


'''Leroy''': Damn whale keepers.


Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.
:''[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]''


Hermes: Sweet yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.
'''Leela''': Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.  


'''Santa''': ''[Holding a missile launcher]'' Ho. Ho. Ho...


[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]
'''Fry''': What happened, Santa?


'''Santa''': Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!


[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]
'''Leela''': That's it. They've gone too far. It's time to fight back.


Anarjuwat: Is that normal?
'''Santa''': Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.


Fufu: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...
'''Leela''': We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.  


Fry: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?
:''[Leela slaps Robot Santa]''


'''Santa''': That hurt. You're on the naughty list!


[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange narwhal doing flips and spins]
:''[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]''


:''[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]''


Fry: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.
'''Leela''': So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.  


Captain: Damn whale keepers.
'''Nixon''': You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled, solid-gold Death Stars.  


:''[Headless Body of Agnew presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]''


[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]
'''Bender''': Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.  


Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.
'''Nixon''': We're hopelessly outgunned. The Force is with us, but that's about it.  


Santa: [Holding a missile launcher] Ho! Ho. Ho... [Drops missile launcher] Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and mayhem.
'''Santa''': Ah, but we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.  


Amy: Try some antidepressants. They're Gummi.
:''[Scene: Santa's workshop, hip-hop music starts to play]''


Fry: What happened, Santa?
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>I brought the elves back from vacation,
Chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...</poem>


Santa: The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!
'''[[Kwanzabot]]''': Kwanzabot


Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to fight back.
'''[[Chanukah Zombie]]''': ''[singing] And the Chanukah zombie.  


Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>Three mad, wise men
Baring murder and frankincense.</poem>


Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.
'''Neptunians''': [singing] Damn you!  Doo, doo, doodoo!


[Leela slaps Robot Santa]
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>Shut up!
Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.</poem>


Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!  
'''Neptunians''': [singing] Says who? Doo, doo, doodoo!


'''Santa''':[singing] <poem>Says me!
Napalm makes them slightly more harmful.
No one here goes near that door,
This toyshop's going to war!</poem>


[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]
'''Chanukah Zombie''': [singing] <poem>Talmud says "Be slow to anger”,
Low-down scammers got me seeing red.
Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar,
Jump back, Jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead. </poem>


'''Neptunians''': [singing] Ten hut! Doo, doo, doodoo!


[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]
'''Chanukah Zombie''': [singing] <poem>Dreidl, dreidl
I made it out of blasting clay</poem>


Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.
Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts. Doo, doo, doodoo!


Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled,solid-gold Death Stars.
'''Chanukah Zombie'': [singing] <poem>And when it's dry and ready,
For mercy they will pay.
I can't wait eight nights or more,
This zombie's going to war!</poem>


[Agnews body presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]
'''Kwanzabot''': [rapping, while Robot Santa beatboxes]
<poem>Check, check it out, Kwanzabot,
In the NeptizzIe-hizzIe.
With my inhuman beatbox
Busy building missiles.
They're guided by these cute
Dancing fairy figures,
Careful, little elf,
That's proximity-triggered.
I'm fighting back for Kwanza
So the children won't miss it.
I'm confused about its meaning
But I know it when they diss it.
So, Santa?</poem>


Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.
'''Santa''': [singing] Yeah, K?


Nixon: We're hopelessly out gunned. The force is with us, but that's about it.
'''Kwanzabot''': [singing] CZ?


Santa: But we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.
'''Chanukah Zombie'': [singing] Hey, hey.  


[Scene: Santa's workshop]
'''Kwanzabot''': [rapping] <poem>Let's slay them pimps!
C'mon, pimp my sleigh!</poem>


Santa: [singing] I brought the elves back from vacation, chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...
'''Chanukah Zombie''': [singing] <poem>Easy with that toy artillery.
Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.</poem>


Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot
'''Santa''': Can they sue for liability?


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah zombie.
'''Nixon''': Certainly not!


Santa: [singing] Three mad, wise men bearing murder and frankincense.
'''Santa''': [singing] Use as much as you are able.  


Neptunians: [singing] Damn you.
'''Neptunians''': [singing] This bites. Doo, doo, doodoo!


Santa: [singing] Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>You signed away your rights
When you were hired.</poem>


Neptunians: [singing] Says who?
'''Leela''': ''[singing]'' Now, let's fight.


'''Nixon''': ''[singing, simultaneously]'' Let's fight.


Santa:[singing] Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one here goes near that door, this toy shop's going to war.
'''Neptunians''': Doo, doo, doodoo!


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Talmud says "Be slow to anger”, Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar, jump back, jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>Okay!
Chestnuts roasting,
I'm gonna open fire.
Prepare for gore galore!</poem>


Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut!
'''Santa, Chanukah Zombie and Kwanzabot''': [singing] This trinity's going to war!  


Chanukah Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting clay
:''[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]''


Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts.
'''Leela''': Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...  


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, this zombie's going to war.
'''Nixon''': And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!


Kwanzabot: [singing] Check, check it out Kwanzabot, in the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beat box busy building missiles. They're guided by these cute dancing fairy figures, careful, little elf, that's proximity-triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanza so the children won't miss it. I'm confused about its meaning but I know it when they dis it. So, Santa
'''Leela''': What?


Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?
'''[[Zapp]]''': At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.


:''[Kif sighs and crouches down]''


Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?
'''Zapp''': We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.


'''Cubert''': Here, sir!


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.
'''Farnsworth''': My boy. Oh, God, no!


Kwanzabot: [singing] Let's slay them pimps Come on, pimp my sleigh.
'''Zapp''': Dwight Slim.  


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.
'''Dwight''': Here.  


Santa: Can they sue for liability?
'''Hermes''': You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!


:''[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]''


Nixon: Certainly not!
'''Zapp''': Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.


Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are able.
'''[[Kif]]''': Forty-six.  


Neptunians: [singing] This bites.
'''Zapp''': Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.  


Santa: [singing] You signed away your rights when you were hired.
'''Kif''': One.  


Leela: Now, let's fight.
'''Lars''': Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?


Nixon:Let's fight.
'''Zapp''': What's your name, smart mouth?


Santa: [singing] Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore, this trinity's going to war.
'''Lars''': Lars Fillmore.  


[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]
'''Zapp''': Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.


Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...
'''Leela''': Yes, yes, yes.  


'''Kif''': We're approaching Earth, sir.


Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!
'''Zapp''': Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velour marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---''[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]''


Leela: What?
'''Leela''': Does anybody mind if I take command?  


Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.
'''Nibbler''': No.  


'''[[Sal]]''': Nos.


[Kif sighs and crouches down]
'''Bubblegum''': Nah.


Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.
'''Al Gore''': Nope.  


Cubert: Here, sir!
'''Cubert''': No, Miss Turanga.


Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!
'''[[Donbot]]''': No, I do not.  


Zapp: Dwight Slim.
'''Santa''': No.  


Dwight: Here.
'''Kwanzabot''': It's cool.


Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!
'''Chanukah Zombie''': Argh!


[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]
'''Leela''': All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!


Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.
:''[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]''


Kif: Forty-six.
:''[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the Death Stars]''


Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.
'''Fleb''': Yes! Nailed the children's ship.  


Kif: One.
:''[Scammers laugh]''


Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?
'''Farnsworth''': Bingo!


Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?
'''[[Hattie]]''': Cheating son of a...


Lars: Lars Fillmore.
:''[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]''


Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.
'''Al Gore''': Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!


Leela: Yes, yes, yes.
'''Leela''': It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!


Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.
'''Hermes''': Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?


Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velor marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]
'''Farnsworth''': I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!  


Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?
'''Hermes''': Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.


Nibber: No.
:''[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]''


Sal: Nos.
:''[Al Gore's head fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]''


Bubblegum Tate: Nah.
'''Al Gore''': [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.  


Al Gore: Nope.
:''[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]


Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.
:''[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]''


Donbot: No, I do not.
'''[[Clamps]]''': He's champing for a clamping!


Robot Santa: No.
:''[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a Death Star]''


Kwanzabot: It's cool.
:''[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]''


Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!
'''Kwanzabot''': Kwa-zang!  


[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]
:''[Everyone cheers]''


[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the death stars]
'''Hermes''': I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?


Flebb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.
'''LaBarbara''': Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool.  


[Scammers laugh]Leela: Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go left! I mean right.  
'''Slim''': You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.  


Sal: Whoas!
:''[Slim tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]''


Leela: 55-U. 8-R, 2-V.
:''[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]''


Farnsworth: Bingo!
'''Nudar''': Remember this, Farnsworth?


Hattie: Cheating son of a...
:''[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Spheroboom]''


[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]
'''Farnsworth''': Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.


Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
'''Bender''': lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!  


Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!
'''Nudar''': So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?


Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?
'''Leela''': Never!  


Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!
'''Nudar''': Or totaI destruction?


'''Leela''': Also never!


[Farnsworth makes one of those "I'm the professor, boo-yah!" poses]
'''Nudar''': You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!  


'''Leela''': ''[Melodramatically]'' Nevvveeeeer!


Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.
'''Bender''': People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. ''[Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]''


[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]
:''[The crew gasp]''


[Al Gore fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]
:''[The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]'


Al Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.
'''Nudar''': Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.  


[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]
:''[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nudist aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]''


[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]
'''Amy''': Yay! Bender!


Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!
'''Fry''': All right!  


[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a death star]
:''[Crew cheers]''


[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]
'''Fry''': Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?


Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!
:''[Bender chuckles]''


[Everyone cheers]
'''Bender''': I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...


Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?
:''[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]''


Labarbra: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato head.
'''Bender''': (VO) ... and as soon as I was out of the scammers' control, I pulled the old switcheroo.  


Barbados Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.
:''[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]''


[Barbados tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]  
:''[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]''


'''Bender''': And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest!


[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]
:''[Everyone cheers]''


Nudar: Nice attack, doo-doo heads. Too bad we have one last trick up our sleeve.
'''Nixon''': Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.  


Amy: I doubt that!
'''Bender''': I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.


Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?
:''[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]''


[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Sphero-Boom]
'''Lars''': There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...


:''[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]''


Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.
:''[Leela tries to hold back tears]''


Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!
'''Fry''': What is it?


Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?
'''Leela''': Nothing.


Leela: Never!
'''Fry''': It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!  


Nudar: Or totaI destruction?
'''Leela''': I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.


Leela: Also never!
'''Fry''': Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.


Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!
'''Leela''': No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.  


Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!
'''Fry''': You remember when we first met?


Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]
'''Leela''': Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.  


'''Fry''': Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.


[The crew gasp]
:''[Scene: Fry-2's boat in the Arctic]  


Bender: Shut up and keep looking apologized to.
'''Fry-2''': Why are you so sad, Leelu?


:''[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]''


Leela: [Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.
'''Fry-2''': Him again? ''[sudden realization strikes]'' Wait a second, are you two...  


:''[Leelu nods]''


[Leela presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]
:''[Fry-2 takes the plunger off his head]''


Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.
'''Fry-2''': Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.  


'''Inuit #2''': Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.


[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nude aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]
'''Fry-2''': Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.  


Amy: Yay! Bender!
:''[The Inuits open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry-2 looks on sadly]''


Fry: All right!
'''Fry-2''': Goodbye, Leelu.


[Crew cheers]
:''[Fry-2 sobs]''


Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?
:''[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]''


'''Lars''': I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?


[Bender chuckles]
'''Leela''': Lars?


Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...  
'''Lars''': I... I really have to go, I...  


'''Leela''': Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?


[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]
'''Fry''': Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.


Bender: ... and as soon as I was out of the scammer's control, I pulled the old switcheroo.  
'''Lars''': I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.  


'''Fry''': Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?


[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]
'''Lars''': Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...


:''[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]''


[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]
'''Nudar''': Nobody move!


Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest.
'''Leela''': Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?


'''Nudar''': My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!


[Everyone cheers]
'''Fry''': I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.


Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.
'''Nudar''': Not you.  


Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.
:''[Nudar points his gun at Lars]''


'''Nudar''': You!


[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]
'''Leela''': Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!


Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...
'''Fry''': But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!


'''Nudar''': My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?


[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]
'''Lars''': I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun! Go ahead and shoot!


'''Nudar''': Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?


[Leela tries to hold back tears]
'''Leela''': Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!


Fry: What is it?
'''Lars''': ''[crying]'' I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.


:''[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the Bender-2. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender-2 and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]''


Leela: Nothing.  
'''Nudar''': What the...  


Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!
'''Bender-2''': ''[monotone]'' Four, three, two, ''[normal voice]'' one, Boom! ''[Nothing happens. Bender-2 laughs]'' Woah!  


Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.
:''[Bender-2 explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender-2.]''


Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.
'''Leela''': Lars, no!


Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.
:''[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]''


Fry: You remember when we first met?
:''[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry-2 is shaking hands with Captain Leroy. Fry-2 leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]''


Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.
'''Fry-2''': ''[Looking at a picture of Leelu]'' It's enough just to know you're happy.  


Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.
'''Fry-2''': ''[Looking at a picture of Leela and crying]'' You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.  


:''[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]


[Scene: Fry's boat in the Arctic]
'''Bender''': Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! ''[Bender fires his gun]''


Fry: Why are you so sad, Leelu?
:''[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry-2's hair catches on fire]


[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]
'''Fry-2''': My hair!


[Coughs]


Fry: Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...
'''Fry-2''': My larynx!


[Leelu nods]
:''[Fry-2 with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]''


'''Lars''': I'm Lars?  I'm Lars!


[Fry takes the plunger off his head]
:''[Lars bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]''


'''Fry''': Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.


Fry: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.  
:''[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]


Atanarjuat: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.
:''[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]


Fry: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.
:''[Scene: Lars enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of "30 Century Man". He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]''


:''[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]''


[Atanarjuat and Fufu open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry looks on sadly]
'''Lars''': ''[On a screen]'' So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.


Fry: Goodbye, Leelu.
'''Leela''': ''[sad]'' I understand.  


[Fry sobs]
'''Crazy Guy''': That concludes another Silly Willy Wideo Will!


'''Fry''': He was a good man, Leela.


[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]
'''Leela''': Yeah... you were.  


:''[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]''


Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?
'''Farnsworth''': Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.  


Leela: Lars?
'''Bubblegum''': Not quite, my wrinkly brother.


Lars: I... I really have to go, I...
'''Nibbler''': Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!


Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?
'''Bender''': Sounds like a job for me, Bender.


Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.
:''[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]''


Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.
'''Bender''': Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...  


Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?
:''[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]''


Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...
'''Bender''': Mission accomplished!


'''Fry''': You put the time code on my ass?


[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]
'''Bender''': Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.


Nudar: Nobody move!
:''[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]''


Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?
'''Nibbler''': No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!


Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!
:''[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]''


Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.
'''Bender''': What's the worst that can happen?


Nudar: Not you.
:''[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]''


'''Bender''': Well, [[we're boned]].


[Nudar points his gun at Lars]
:''[Closing Credits.]''
 
Nudar: You!
 
Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!
 
Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!
 
Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?
 
Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun. Go ahead and shoot.
 
Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?
 
Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!
 
Lars: I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.
 
[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the explosive Bender. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]
 
Nudar: What the...
 
 
Bender: Four, three, two, one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender laughs] Woah!
 
[Bender explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender.]
 
Leela: Lars, no!
 
 
[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]
 
[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry is shaking hands with Captain LeRoy. Fry leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]
 
Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're happy.
 
Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying] You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.
 
[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]
 
Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]
 
[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry's hair catches on fire]
 
Fry: My hair!
 
[Coughs]
 
Fry: My larynx!
 
[Fry with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]
 
Fry: I'm Lars?
 
Fry: I'm Lars!
 
[Fry bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]
 
Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.
 
 
[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]
 
 
[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]
 
 
[Scene: Fry enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of Twentieth Century Man. He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]
 
 
[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]
 
Lars: [On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.
 
Leela: [sad] I understand.
 
Screen: That concludes another silly-willy video will.
 
Fry: He was a good man, Leela.
 
Leela: Yeah... you were.
 
[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]
 
Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.
 
Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.
 
 
Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!
 
Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.
 
[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]
 
Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...
 
[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]
 
Bender: Mission accomplished!
 
Fry: You put the time code on my ass?
 
 
Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.
 
[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]
 
Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!
 
[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]
 
Bender: What's the worst that can happen?
 
 
[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]
 
Bender: Well, we're boned.


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Transcript for
Bender's Big Score Part 4
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed byRed_Line and Neosmith92


[Opening Credits. Caption: Last known transmission of the Hubble Telescope]
[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]

TV Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.

[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]

Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.

Fry: Are you okay, Leela?

Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.

Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!

[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]

Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.

[Hypnotoad turns toward him]

Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!

[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.

Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.

Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andrrrrrrromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!

Leela: Oh, Lord.

Nixon: So assuming all goes ... [Headless Body of Agnew grunts] What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamadonia.

[Scene: South Street Spaceport]

Nudar, Fleb and Schlump: [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff!, etc.

Leela: All aboard for Neptune!

Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune.

[The PE ship takes off]

Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.

[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]
[Scene: Neptunian cave]

Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.

Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.

Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, Yetis.


[Seconds later, Yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]

Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.

Hermes: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.

[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]
[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]

Inuit #2: Is that normal?

Inuit #1: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...

Fry-2: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?

[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange male narwhal doing flips and spins]

Fry-2: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.

Leroy: Damn whale keepers.

[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]

Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.

Santa: [Holding a missile launcher] Ho. Ho. Ho...

Fry: What happened, Santa?

Santa: Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!

Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. It's time to fight back.

Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.

Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.

[Leela slaps Robot Santa]

Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!

[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]
[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]

Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.

Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled, solid-gold Death Stars.

[Headless Body of Agnew presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]

Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.

Nixon: We're hopelessly outgunned. The Force is with us, but that's about it.

Santa: Ah, but we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.

[Scene: Santa's workshop, hip-hop music starts to play]

Santa: [singing]

I brought the elves back from vacation,
Chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...

Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah zombie.

Santa: [singing]

Three mad, wise men
Baring murder and frankincense.

Neptunians: [singing] Damn you! Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa: [singing]

Shut up!
Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.

Neptunians: [singing] Says who? Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa:[singing]

Says me!
Napalm makes them slightly more harmful.
No one here goes near that door,
This toyshop's going to war!

Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

Talmud says "Be slow to anger”,
Low-down scammers got me seeing red.
Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar,
Jump back, Jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.

Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut! Doo, doo, doodoo!

Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

Dreidl, dreidl
I made it out of blasting clay

Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts. Doo, doo, doodoo!

'Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

And when it's dry and ready,
For mercy they will pay.
I can't wait eight nights or more,
This zombie's going to war!

Kwanzabot: [rapping, while Robot Santa beatboxes]

Check, check it out, Kwanzabot,
In the NeptizzIe-hizzIe.
With my inhuman beatbox
Busy building missiles.
They're guided by these cute
Dancing fairy figures,
Careful, little elf,
That's proximity-triggered.
I'm fighting back for Kwanza
So the children won't miss it.
I'm confused about its meaning
But I know it when they diss it.
So, Santa?

Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?

Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?

'Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.

Kwanzabot: [rapping]

Let's slay them pimps!
C'mon, pimp my sleigh!

Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

Easy with that toy artillery.
Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.

Santa: Can they sue for liability?

Nixon: Certainly not!

Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are able.

Neptunians: [singing] This bites. Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa: [singing]

You signed away your rights
When you were hired.

Leela: [singing] Now, let's fight.

Nixon: [singing, simultaneously] Let's fight.

Neptunians: Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa: [singing]

Okay!
Chestnuts roasting,
I'm gonna open fire.
Prepare for gore galore!

Santa, Chanukah Zombie and Kwanzabot: [singing] This trinity's going to war!

[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]

Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...

Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!

Leela: What?

Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.

[Kif sighs and crouches down]

Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.

Cubert: Here, sir!

Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!

Zapp: Dwight Slim.

Dwight: Here.

Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!

[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]

Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.

Kif: Forty-six.

Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.

Kif: One.

Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?

Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?

Lars: Lars Fillmore.

Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.

Leela: Yes, yes, yes.

Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.

Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velour marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]

Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?

Nibbler: No.

Sal: Nos.

Bubblegum: Nah.

Al Gore: Nope.

Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.

Donbot: No, I do not.

Santa: No.

Kwanzabot: It's cool.

Chanukah Zombie: Argh!

Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!

[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]
[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the Death Stars]

Fleb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.

[Scammers laugh]

Farnsworth: Bingo!

Hattie: Cheating son of a...

[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]

Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!

Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?

Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!

Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.

[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]
[Al Gore's head fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]

Al Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.

[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]
[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]

Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!

[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a Death Star]
[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]

Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!

[Everyone cheers]

Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?

LaBarbara: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool.

Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.

[Slim tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]
[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]

Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?

[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Spheroboom]

Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.

Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!

Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?

Leela: Never!

Nudar: Or totaI destruction?

Leela: Also never!

Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!

Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!

Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]

[The crew gasp]
[The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]'

Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.

[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nudist aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]

Amy: Yay! Bender!

Fry: All right!

[Crew cheers]

Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...

[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]

Bender: (VO) ... and as soon as I was out of the scammers' control, I pulled the old switcheroo.

[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]
[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]

Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest!

[Everyone cheers]

Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.

Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.

[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]

Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...

[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]
[Leela tries to hold back tears]

Fry: What is it?

Leela: Nothing.

Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!

Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.

Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.

Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.

Fry: You remember when we first met?

Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.

Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.

[Scene: Fry-2's boat in the Arctic]

Fry-2: Why are you so sad, Leelu?

[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]

Fry-2: Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...

[Leelu nods]
[Fry-2 takes the plunger off his head]

Fry-2: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.

Inuit #2: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.

Fry-2: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.

[The Inuits open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry-2 looks on sadly]

Fry-2: Goodbye, Leelu.

[Fry-2 sobs]
[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]

Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?

Leela: Lars?

Lars: I... I really have to go, I...

Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?

Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.

Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.

Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?

Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...

[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]

Nudar: Nobody move!

Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?

Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!

Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.

Nudar: Not you.

[Nudar points his gun at Lars]

Nudar: You!

Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!

Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!

Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?

Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun! Go ahead and shoot!

Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?

Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!

Lars: [crying] I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.

[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the Bender-2. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender-2 and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]

Nudar: What the...

Bender-2: [monotone] Four, three, two, [normal voice] one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender-2 laughs] Woah!

[Bender-2 explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender-2.]

Leela: Lars, no!

[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]
[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry-2 is shaking hands with Captain Leroy. Fry-2 leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]

Fry-2: [Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're happy.

Fry-2: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying] You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.

[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]

Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]

[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry-2's hair catches on fire]

Fry-2: My hair!

[Coughs]

Fry-2: My larynx!

[Fry-2 with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]

Lars: I'm Lars? I'm Lars!

[Lars bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]

Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.

[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]
[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]
[Scene: Lars enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of "30 Century Man". He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]
[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]

Lars: [On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.

Leela: [sad] I understand.

Crazy Guy: That concludes another Silly Willy Wideo Will!

Fry: He was a good man, Leela.

Leela: Yeah... you were.

[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]

Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.

Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.

Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!

Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.

[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]

Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...

[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]

Bender: Mission accomplished!

Fry: You put the time code on my ass?

Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.

[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]

Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!

[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]

Bender: What's the worst that can happen?

[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]

Bender: Well, we're boned.

[Closing Credits.]
Futurama transcripts
1ACV
(Season 1)		 "Space Pilot 3000" • "The Series Has Landed" • "I, Roommate" • "Love's Labours Lost in Space" • "Fear of a Bot Planet" • "A Fishful of Dollars" • "My Three Suns" • "A Big Piece of Garbage" • "Hell Is Other Robots" • "A Flight to Remember" • "Mars University" • "When Aliens Attack" • "Fry and the Slurm Factory"
2ACV
(Season 2)		 "I Second that Emotion" • "Brannigan, Begin Again" • "A Head in the Polls" • "Xmas Story" • "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?" • "The Lesser of Two Evils" • "Put Your Head on My Shoulders" • "Raging Bender" • "A Bicyclops Built for Two" • "A Clone of My Own" • "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back" • "The Deep South" • "Bender Gets Made" • "Mother's Day" • "The Problem with Popplers" • "Anthology of Interest I" • "War Is the H-Word" • "The Honking" • "The Cryonic Woman"
3ACV
(Season 3)		 "Amazon Women in the Mood" • "Parasites Lost" • "A Tale of Two Santas" • "The Luck of the Fryrish" • "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz" • "Bendless Love" • "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid" • "That's Lobstertainment!" • "The Cyber House Rules" • "Where the Buggalo Roam" • "Insane in the Mainframe" • "The Route of All Evil" • "Bendin' in the Wind" • "Time Keeps on Slippin'" • "I Dated a Robot" • "A Leela of Her Own" • "A Pharaoh to Remember" • "Anthology of Interest II" • "Roswell that Ends Well" • "Godfellas" • "Future Stock" • "The 30% Iron Chef"
4ACV
(Season 4)		 "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch" • "Leela's Homeworld" • "Love and Rocket" • "Less than Hero" • "A Taste of Freedom" • "Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television" • "Jurassic Bark" • "Crimes of the Hot" • "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles" • "The Why of Fry" • "Where No Fan Has Gone Before" • "The Sting" • "Bend Her" • "Obsoletely Fabulous" • "The Farnsworth Parabox" • "Three Hundred Big Boys" • "Spanish Fry" • "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings"
5ACV
(Season 5)
Bender's Big Score The Beast with a Billion Backs Bender's Game Into the Wild Green Yonder
Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4
6ACV
(Season 6)		 "Rebirth" • "In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela" • "Attack of the Killer App" • "Proposition Infinity" • "The Duh-Vinci Code" • "Lethal Inspection" • "The Late Philip J. Fry" • "That Darn Katz!" • "A Clockwork Origin" • "The Prisoner of Benda" • "Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences" • "The Mutants Are Revolting" • "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular" • "The Silence of the Clamps" • "Möbius Dick" • "Law and Oracle" • "Benderama" • "The Tip of the Zoidberg" • "Ghost in the Machines" • "Neutopia" • "Yo Leela Leela" • "Fry Am the Egg Man" • "All the Presidents' Heads" • "Cold Warriors" • "Overclockwise" • "Reincarnation"
7ACV
(Season 7)		 "The Bots and the Bees" • "A Farewell to Arms" • "Decision 3012" • "The Thief of Baghead" • "Zapp Dingbat" • "The Butterjunk Effect" • "The Six Million Dollar Mon" • "Fun on a Bun" • "Free Will Hunting" • "Near-Death Wish" • "31st Century Fox" • "Viva Mars Vegas" • "Naturama" • "Forty Percent Leadbelly" • "2-D Blacktop" • "T.: The Terrestrial" • "Fry and Leela's Big Fling" • "The Inhuman Torch" • "Saturday Morning Fun Pit" • "Calculon 2.0" • "Assie Come Home" • "Leela and the Genestalk" • "Game of Tones" • "Murder on the Planet Express" • "Stench and Stenchibility" • "Meanwhile"
8ACV
(Season 8)		 "The Impossible Stream" • "Children of a Lesser Bog" • "How the West Was 1010001" • "Parasites Regained" • "Related to Items You've Viewed" • "I Know What You Did Next Xmas" • "Rage Against the Vaccine" • "Zapp Gets Cancelled" • "The Prince and the Product" • "All the Way Down"
S01E
(Broadcast season 1)		 "Space Pilot 3000" • "The Series Has Landed" • "I, Roommate" • "Love's Labours Lost in Space" • "Fear of a Bot Planet" • "A Fishful of Dollars" • "My Three Suns" • "A Big Piece of Garbage" • "Hell Is Other Robots"
S02E
(Broadcast season 2)		 "A Flight to Remember" • "Mars University" • "When Aliens Attack" • "Fry and the Slurm Factory" • "I Second that Emotion" • "Brannigan, Begin Again" • "A Head in the Polls" • "Xmas Story" • "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?" • "Put Your Head on My Shoulders" • "The Lesser of Two Evils" • "Raging Bender" • "A Bicyclops Built for Two" • "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back" • "A Clone of My Own" • "The Deep South" • "Bender Gets Made" • "The Problem with Popplers" • "Mother's Day" • "Anthology of Interest I"
S03E
(Broadcast season 3)		 "The Honking" • "War Is the H-Word" • "The Cryonic Woman" • "Parasites Lost" • "Amazon Women in the Mood" • "Bendless Love" • "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid" • "That's Lobstertainment!" • "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz" • "The Luck of the Fryrish" • "The Cyber House Rules" • "Insane in the Mainframe" • "Bendin' in the Wind" • "Time Keeps on Slippin'" • "I Dated a Robot"
S04E
(Broadcast season 4)		 "Roswell that Ends Well" • "A Tale of Two Santas" • "Anthology of Interest II" • "Love and Rocket" • "Leela's Homeworld" • "Where the Buggalo Roam" • "A Pharaoh to Remember" • "Godfellas" • "Future Stock" • "A Leela of Her Own" • "The 30% Iron Chef" • "Where No Fan Has Gone Before"
S05E
(Broadcast season 5)		 "Crimes of the Hot" • "Jurassic Bark" • "The Route of All Evil" • "A Taste of Freedom" • "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch" • "Less than Hero" • "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles" • "The Why of Fry" • "The Sting" • "The Farnsworth Parabox" • "Three Hundred Big Boys" • "Spanish Fry" • "Bend Her" • "Obsoletely Fabulous" • "Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television" • "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings"
S06E
(Broadcast season 6)		 "Bender's Big Score Part 1" • "Bender's Big Score Part 2" • "Bender's Big Score Part 3" • "Bender's Big Score Part 4" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 1" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 2" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 3" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 4" • "Bender's Game Part 1" • "Bender's Game Part 2" • "Bender's Game Part 3" • "Bender's Game Part 4" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 1" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 2" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 3" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 4"
S07E
(Broadcast season 7)		 "Rebirth" • "In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela" • "Attack of the Killer App" • "Proposition Infinity" • "The Duh-Vinci Code" • "Lethal Inspection" • "The Late Philip J. Fry" • "That Darn Katz!" • "A Clockwork Origin" • "The Prisoner of Benda" • "Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences" • "The Mutants Are Revolting" • "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular"
S08E
(Broadcast season 8)		 "Neutopia" • "Benderama" • "Ghost in the Machines" • "Law and Oracle" • "The Silence of the Clamps" • "Yo Leela Leela" • "All the Presidents' Heads" • "Möbius Dick" • "Fry Am the Egg Man" • "The Tip of the Zoidberg" • "Cold Warriors" • "Overclockwise" • "Reincarnation"
S09E
(Broadcast season 9)		 "The Bots and the Bees" • "A Farewell to Arms" • "Decision 3012" • "The Thief of Baghead" • "Zapp Dingbat" • "The Butterjunk Effect" • "The Six Million Dollar Mon" • "Fun on a Bun" • "Free Will Hunting" • "Near-Death Wish" • "31st Century Fox" • "Viva Mars Vegas" • "Naturama"
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