Transcript:Radiorama

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Transcript for
Radiorama
Written byDavid X. Cohen, Ken Keeler and Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed byJasonbres
[The Futurama theme song is heard.]

Transition Announcer: Coming to you direct from the 31st century, it's Futurama, the show that never dies, but is so sick, it lost its video! Brought to you by Klacch the Avenger's Borax Flakes! When you want flakes, why not try Borax?

[The theme song ends.]

Transition Announcer: One morning, the Planet Express crew was meeting in the conference room, when suddenly, the Professor entered with good news. Let's listen, shall we?

[Door opens.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Your favorite cancelled TV show is coming back in the form of a low-budget podcast!

[Everyone cheers.]

Fry: Wait, what show are we talking about?

Farnsworth: All My Circuits, of course. The robot soap opera starring legendary acting unit, Calculon.

Fry: Oh, right. We used to watch that every day after work, and during work! Why'd we stop?

Leela: Because Calculon died. Twice!

Farnsworth: Yes, in agony. But luckily, his voice box survived. And, like all actors, his mouth works independently of his brain.

Amy: Hey, Bender, you're here, too! Weren't you on All My Circuits once?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!

[Inexplicable cheers and applause.]

Bender: And, yes, Amy, I was. I played Calculon's swarthy Latino son, Antonio Calculon, Jr.

Hermes: I remember dat, mon. You were voted Worst Actor of All Time.

Bender: That's fake news! There were millions of illegal voters! A lot of people are sayin' I was the best ever!

Zoidberg: Guess who's also here? It's Zoidberg, why not! [woops]

Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg, I'm still talkin'! Okay, now I'm done.

Fry: Psst, Leela!

Leela: [loudly] Yeah?!

Fry: Shhh! I made you a present, and I'd like to give it to you! In private.

Leela: Oh, Fry, that's so thoughtful depending on what it is.

Fry: It's in the basement, just down this long greasy staircase.

[Door creaks open. Footsteps. Fry and Leela trip and slip.]

Scruffy: Welcome to the basement.

Fry: Scruffy? What are you doing down here?

Scruffy: Just finished greasin' the sta'rs. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go loosen the chandelier. Mm-hm.

[Scruffy walks away.]

Leela: So where's that present I've been hearing not enough about?

Fry: Right over here. Just let me turn it on... and...

[Electrical humming. Zap.]

Fry: Tada! It took me weeks get every detail just right. Do ya like it?

Leela: I'm not sure. What the hell is it?

Fry: What does it look like?

Leela: Uh, a jumble of flashing blobs that give me a headache?

Fry: What?! How can you say that?! It's a realistic self-portrait of me! I've been learning the art of 3-D laser sculpture.

Leela: And you thought I'd like that?! I can't see in stereo, Fry! I only have one eye!

Fry: Oops. I forgot.

Leela: You forgot the main thing about me?! The thing that defines my existence?!

Fry: [stammers] You also have purple hair.

Leela: That's it! Our on again-off again relationship is officially off!

Fry: Again?

Leela: Permanently! I've told you fifty times I can't see in 3-D! But it's like you can't hear my voice!

Transition Announcer: Picking up the 3-D sculpture, Leela carefully scaled the greasy stairs and stormed back into the conference room.

[Door opens.]

Leela: Can you believe this piece of junk Fry gave me?

[Crash! The crew gives awed reactions.]

Zoidberg: What a magnificent nude sculpture of Fry!

Leela: Nude?

Amy: You can see every tiny detail, even his penis!

Hermes: It can only be described as a quasi-erotic masterpiece of three-dimensional meta-representationalism. I'm just glad I have two eyes to appreciate it!

Leela: Now I feel even worse! Apparently, I'm the only one who can't savor the subtleties of Fry's digital ding-dong!

Fry: Okay, fine! The gift was a mistake! I'll throw it out!

[Crash!]

Farnsworth: Oh, you clod-noramus! You can't throw digital garbage in the analog trash! Digital trash needs to be dragged and dropped onto Junkleon 7, the deleted file planet!

Fry: Does there really have to be a whole planet for everything?

Farnsworth: Bon voyage!

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: And so, the crew boarded the Planet Express Ship and began the dramatic countdown.

Fry: Nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred and ninety eight, nine hundred and ninety seven, nine hundred and ninety si—

Bender: LET'S GO ALREADYYYYYY!!!

[The ship blasts off.]

Transition Announcer: As the ship flew through deepest space, Bender the robot grew pensive.

Bender: Y'know, I have only one regret in life.

Leela: I have five.

Bender: That's too many. I just wish... [breaks down into tears] I just wish my mother had seen how great I was on All My Circuits. But she didn't watch!

Fry: Why not?

Bender: TV offends her religious sensibilities. Plus she's got no eyes.

Leela: I thought your mother was just a robot arm.

Bender: Not just a robot arm! She's also a grieving widow and mother of three! And I haven't seen her in fifteen years! I've been a bad son! [sobs] Wha? We're here! [scats happily]

Transition Announcer: Donning their protective space leggings, the crew members descended onto the planet's filthy surface.

Leela: C'mon, let's dump Fry's one-man porno.

Fry: It's not porno! It's folk art! For folk who like to see me doing a naked headstand!

Leela: Blecch! Drop it like it's hot and let's go!

[Crash!]

Bender: Whoa, whoa, w-whoa! I need to steal somethin' first! What's the most valuable digital file?

Fry: I dunno. I guess whichever has the most 1's.

Bender: Right. Maybe this thing.

[Discordant noise.]

Leela: Aah! What was that?!

Bender: Who cares? I'm just gonna put it in my chest cavity, and not worry whether it might or might not resurface in dramatic fashion!

[Dramatic sting. Ship zooming.]

Transition Announcer: And so the ship returned to Earth, Bender's chest bulging with the mysterious digital file. The whole crew was happily beating Dr. Zoidberg with a banjo, when suddenly, the phone rang.

Zoidberg: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hurray! I'm being beaten by friends! Ow!

[Rrrrrrrrring!]

Bender: I'll get it. Hello, Planet Express, home of Bender, Bender speakin', how may I Bender your call?

Operator: A long distance call for Mr. Bender.

Bender: He's not here.

Operator: Please hold for Calculon.

Bender: Omigod, Calculon?! I'm here! I'm here! Don't hang up!

Operator: Go ahead, Mr. Calculon. You're on speakerphone with Bender.

Calculon: Hello, Bender? You're probably wondering why I'm calling to tell you my show's coming back as a podcast. And I'd like you to reprise your role as Antonio Calculon, Jr.

Bender: [gasps] Thank you! G'bye!

Hermes: Whoa w-whoa, hold on, Calculon! Bender gave da worst performance in history! Why are you bringin' him back?

Calculon: Because once you've established a character, the audience won't stand for any recasting. NO MATTER HOW EXCRUCIATINGLY INCOMPETENT THE ACTOR!

Zoidberg: Ah, so you're getting the original writers back, too?

Calculon: No, we fire them all the time. It saves money and it's fun. Are you in, Bender?

Bender: Yeah, but I want 1.2% of net!

Calculon: Absolutely not!

Bender: Deal! I'll see ya 7:00 a.m. tomorrow!

Calculon: We start 10:00 a.m. next Tuesday.

Bender: I'll be waiting!

[Hangs up.]

Bender: It was Calculon! I got the part!

[Everyone cheers.]

Zoidberg: We already heard! But it beats getting hit with a banjo.

Bender: Man, I can't wait to go tell my mother!

Fry: Aw, Bender, that's sweet. I'm sure she'll have a lot to say.

Bender: Fry, you idiot! Leela, gimme that banjo.

Fry: Ow! Oof! Ooh! What'd I do?

Bender: My mother can't talk, okay? She has no mouth! She uses sign language, which is a form of talking!

Fry: Eh, but—

Bender: Ah-ah-ah, don't make me get the bagpipes!

Fry: D'ouch!

Transition Announcer: After another severe beating, Bender set off to visit his mother at the Assisted Computing Facility. Fry went along, as did Amy, a renowned sign language interpreter whose skills had never before been of the slightest use.

Bender: Well, here we are outside her door.

[Knocks.]

Bender: Mom? It's me, Bender, your middle son! Can I come in? Are you decent?

Fry: How she gonna hear you knocking? I thought she was a robot arm.

Bender: She's not deaf, you idiot! Amy, hand me that piano!

[Smash!]

Fry: Sorry. I deserve that.

[Door creaks open.]

Bender: [quietly] Oh, God, she looks horrible. [out loud] Hi, Mom, you look great! These are my friends, Fry and Amy.

Amy: Nice to meet you.

Fry: Hi, Mrs. Rodriguez.
[Slam!]
<poem>Fry: Aah! Ooh! She's hitting me, too!

Amy: That's sign language, dumdum. You're just standing too close.

Bender: What's she saying?

Amy: She says, "Bender, why haven't you visited or called a single time in fifteen years? You bent your mother's heart."

Bender: I'm sorry, Ma! I only wanted to make you proud and stuff. Speakina which, get this! I'm gonna be on the new All My Circuits podcast! Woohoo! Go, Bender! Go, Bender!

[Whirring.]

Amy: She says, "[sighs] That's nice."

Bender: Nice? Mom, it's a podcast! You love podcasts! Are you feelin' all right?

[Whirring.]

Amy: She says, "It's nothing. Don't worry. It's just a slight cough. [cough cough]"

Fry: Wow, you are a good translator.

Bender: What's wrong, Mom? Give it to me straight! Are they kickin' you out because I don't bother to pay the bills?

[Whirring.]

Amy: "No, Bender. [cough cough] I'm dying."

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: After a brief confusion where Fry stupidly thought Amy was dying, the horrible truth became clear.

Bender: Aw, Mom, you can't die, you can't! Not without first hearing me on a podcast! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!

Transition Announcer: The drama only gets worse when Futurama returns! After this word from the Borax Kid.

[Country music.]

Borax Kid: Howdy, folks. If yer like me, and yer probably not, yer made of solid borax. But when it comes to keepin' yer Sunday suit clean and white, solid borax just don't cut it. Ya need flakes. Klacch the Avenger's Borax Flakes, the only flakes made from me, the Borax Kid. Ask for it by chemical formula: Na2B4O7·10H2O. This is the Borax Kid sayin' goodnight and always keep one eye on your genitals.

Jingle Singer: N-A-two-B-four-O-seven
Ten-H-two-O!

[Bing!]

Transition Announcer: That was the Borax Kid, everyone! Now before we return to Futurama, we have a special guest. And also Dr. Zoidberg. Here's Hermes Conrad and Dr. Zoidberg!

[Applause.]

Hermes: Thanks, Don. Say, have you heard about the new Futurama game?

Transition Announcer: Yes, I have. And now, back to our show.

Zoidberg: Wait wait! Nobody told me about that! A Futurama game? Why aren't I in it?

Hermes: You are, ya stupid crab! We just didn't pay you!

Zoidberg: Hurray, I'm in it! I just wish I weren't too poor to pay the millions of dollars such fine entertainment must cost.

Hermes: It's free.

Zoidberg: Free? FREE?! I'll take two!

Transition Announcer: Say, Hermes, what's this free top quality game called?

Hermes: Uh, I'm not actually sure.

Transition Announcer: It's called Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow! Download it now on your mobile device. Available on the App Store and Google Play!

Zoidberg: I don't have a phone.

Transition Announcer: Too bad.

[Dramatic music.]

Transition Announcer: And now, back to our program. Bender has just received the devastating news that his mother is unwell. And remember, when you hear the strange noise...

[Discordant noise.]

Transition Announcer: ...that's your reminder that Bender has a mysterious digital file from space in his chest cavity. Let's listen as he stands silently by his mother's side at the hospital.

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: Ooh, 'scuse me. You feelin' okay, Ma? Still dying?

[Door opens.]

Amy: [gasps] Here comes the doctor with the test results.

[Dramatic music and footsteps.]

Doctor: Mrs. Rodriguez, I don't quite know how to say this.

Bender: Is it good news? What's the diagnosis?

Doctor: I'm afraid your mother is suffering from... planned obsolescence!

[Dramatic sting.]

Bender: [gasps]

Amy: No!

Doctor: She'll be dead within a matter of... days!

Bender: Days? But she has to hear my podcast! Is she gonna make it 'til Tuesday at 10?

Doctor: A.m. or p.m.?

Bender: A.m.

Doctor: Yes.

Bender: Hurray! Woo woo!

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: 'Scuse me.

Transition Announcer: The days flew by and before you knew it, it was Tuesday at 10:00 a.m., and the cast of All My Circuits was gathering at the recording studio.

Engineer: Okay, people, mic check! We're live in two minutes! Who's on mic one?

Calculon: It is I, Calculon, man of a thousand voices, all magnificently similar.

Engineer: Mic two?

Monique: Monique, fembot of mystery... or am I?

Engineer: Mic three! Is that you, Boxy Robot?

Boxy: [beep beep beep]

Engineer: No, you don't have time for a bathroom break! Mic four?!

Human Friend: Hi, I play the part of "Human Friend", but in real life, my name is—

Engineer: No one cares! Shut up! And finally, mic five, who's on mic five? HELLO?!? ANYONE ON MIC FIVE?!?!

Bender: [from behind the door] I'll be there in a minute! I'm just lettin' my guests in into the control booth!

[Door opens.]

Bender: Hey, Bubblegum Tate!

Bubblegum: Hey, cats! What's goin' on?

Bender: Hattie, Randy, Roberto...

Roberto: Ha-HAAAAA!!!

Bender: ...even Fatbot!

Fatbot: Hello.

Bender: The gang's all here!

Randy: Hey, Calculon's back!

Bubblegum: Mmm. This control booth's got some fine, deep pile carpetin'. A man could get busy in here.

Bender: Make yourselves at home. There's a sandwich in the director's lunchbox.

Fatbot: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Bender: Fatbot, you could sit here on the engineer's lap.

[Thud!]

Engineer: Ooooh!

Fry: Hey, where's your mother, Bender?

Bender: Who?

Leela: Your estranged mother? The one you want to be proud of you before she dies?

Bender: Ooooh. Oh, boy, I gave her ticket to Fatbot. Eh, whatever. The important thing is she'll get to hear the podcast from the comfort of her own deathbed.

Engineer: Get over here, Bender! We're on the air in five and a half seconds!

Bender: Coming!

Engineer: And three, two, cue music!

[Soap opera organ.]

Fry: [quietly] Can ya see the actors, Leela?

Leela: Yeah, just not in three dimensions, in case you forgot again.

Fry: Okay, jeez! I apologise, Leela! I threw out the sculpture. Anyway, it's an audio podcast, so just use however many ears you have.

Leela: [getting more angry] You honestly don't know how many ears I have, do you?

Fry: I don't even know how many ears I have.

Engineer: What is wrong with you people?! This is a recording studio! Everybody shut up and action!

Transition Announcer: As the podcast began, the audience was treated to the dulcet tones of the All My Circuits announcer, who happened to be yours truly, Don Cunningham. Let's hear what I sounded like. [on podcast] Hi, this is your announcer, Don Cunningham, welcoming all our listeners here on Earth, as well as our brave robots in uniform fighting mostly against each other. And remember, friends, All My Circuits is brought to you by Chairman Grau's Second Class Borax Flakes, because not everyone needs the good kind.

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: Ooh, 'scuse me again.

Transition Announcer: As our story begins, Calculon is alone in his spacious wood shop making a birdhouse.

[Woodcraft noises.]

Calculon: As a business tycoon and professor of East Asian literature, I relish the opportunity to craft something with my own hands and let my mind wander.

[Chaotic noises.]

Calculon: [screams] I mutilated myself! Oh, the pain is penetrating into every nuance of my performance!

[Siren.]

Transition Announcer: When what was left of Calculon awoke, he was in the hospital, surrounded by friends and loved ones.

Monique: How are you, Calculon? You are Calculon, right? With your head and body gone, it's... it's hard to tell.

Calculon: Yes. 'Tis I.

Monique: I mean, it's basically just a hospital bed with some wires on the pillow. Speaking of which, I wonder how they keep the hospital sheets so white.

Calculon: [weakly] Probably... [cough cough] Chairman Grau's Borax Flakes.

[Door opens.]

Human Friend: Yes, Chairman Grau's. Ask for them wherever flakes are sold. Hi. I'm Dr. Human Friend.

Monique: Tell us, doctor, will Calculon make a full recovery and fulfill his dream of sailing the Atlantic Ocean solo?

Human Friend: I don't know. Lemme check his pulse.

Boxy: [beep, beep]

Human Friend: Quiet, Boxy Robot, I'm trying to check his pulse.

[Beeping and electronic sounds.]

Human Friend: Uh-oh. That's not good. Do you have any next of kin, Calculon?

Calculon: Only my estranged son, Antonio Calculon, Jr. But we haven't spoken since that foolish quarrel over the length of his sideburns. Alas, I shall never see my son again.

[Door opens.]

Bender: Father!

Calculon: [gasps] Antonio, beloved fruit of my loins! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns.

Bender: I'm so sorry I haven't been around much, Dad, but before you go into that long power-down, [sniffles] there's something I need to tell you.

[Chest cavity opens.]

Bender: Oops, hang on, my door fell open.

[Discordant noises. Everyone screams.]

Leela: My ears!

Fry: Aha! So you do have ears!

Engineer: Where's that horrible sound coming from?!

Bender: Sorry, it's this thing in my chest. Lemme just... [strains] I can't close the door! The force of the sound waves is too strong!

[Thunder.]

Demonic voice: I am not a sound wave!

[Everyone gasps.]

Fry: Look! The sound wave is speaking!

Demonic voice: I am Klaxxon! Hear me!!!

Leela: Indoor voice, Klaxxon, indoor voice.

Bender: Eh, the noise just keeps comin' outta me! It's like a Greek food burp!

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: 'Scuse me.

[Rumbiling.]

Hattie: Oh, for the love of Whatchacallit! The sound wave is destroying the ceiling tiles!

Bender: WAIT FOR ME TO GET OUT FIRST AND THEN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

[Everyone screams.]

Transition Announcer: People tried to flee, but it was no use for the noise was coming from everywhere, erupting from every device that had been tuned to the ill-fated podcast. And as Bender's dying mother listened to the unpleasant racket, she grew morose.

[High-pitched frequency.]

Amy: I'm sorry you didn't get to hear Bender, Mrs. Rodriguez. Now you'll have to die sad.

[Whirring.]

Amy: [tearfully] Oh, stop crying or you'll make me cry, too. [sobs]

[Whirring.]

Transition Announcer: The frightened crew members hurried back to Planet Express and huddled in the Professor's laboratory.

[High-pitched frequency.]

Zoidberg: Oy, what a hullabaloo! I'm just glad I don't have ears.

Fry: Aha! I knew somebody didn't have ears!

Farnsworth: Hmm, the sound seems to originate from this mysterious object in Bender's chest.

Bender: No one knows how it got there!

Farnsworth: Well, let's have a look at it.

[Opens chest cavity.]

Farnsworth: Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Scruffy: What is it?

Farnsworth: Incisive question, Scruffy. It's a PCD or Podcast Containment Device. You see, in the 21st century, there were so many podcasts produced that humanity couldn't keep up and the majority went unheard. Before long, there were billions and billions of them! (Most featuring Chris Hardwick.) Something had to give. It was humanity or the podcasts.

Scruffy: Less'n I miss my guess, that's where the PCD come in.

Farnsworth: Exactly so. I've underestimated your intellect, Scruffy. All of the podcasts were loaded onto a high-capacity PCD launched into space and abandoned for all eternity on the deleted file planet.

Scruffy: Junkleon 6?

Farnsworth: 7, you imbecile!

Hermes: But, Professor, I've thrown out loads of files: incriminatin' spreadsheets, Fry's opera, Zoidberg's harassment claims, and none of 'em ever came back and started screamin' at me. How is this possible?

Farnsworth: Easily! It's a simple case of complexo genesis, the process by which anything of sufficient complexity comes to life and starts causing a fuss.

[Thunder.]

Klaxxon: Kudos, Professor Farnsworth! You've explained my existence in a way that gets the big picture right, while still mangling essentially all the details!

Leela: Enough gabbing, Klaxxon! Tell us what you want so we can give it to you and go to sleep!

Klaxxon: I told you what I want!

Fry: Well, we weren't listening!

Klaxxon: What I want... is to be heard.

Fry: Ih, sorry, what?

Klaxxon: I WANT TO BE HEARD!!! I'm bursting with facts and stories that no one ever listened to! The Five Interesting Things About Sauerkraut, a Serial investigation of corrupt monkey trainers, The True Story of Zoidberg's Harassment Complaints!

Hermes: I think we've heard about enough! I'm gonna smash this PCD with my bureaucrat hammer! [grunts] And that's that. Back to work, people.

Leela: I thought it was bedtime.

[High-pitched frequency.]

Zoidberg: Wait a second. I still hear something.

Klaxxon: That's because I'm no longer in the PCD! I now exist as a creature of pure sound! A standing wave of immense amplitude, spanning the entire planetary atmosphere! [maniacal laughter]

[Everyone gasps.]

Klaxxon: Prepare to listen to FIFTY-EIGHT BILLION PODCASTS AT THE SAME TIME!!!

[Radio static.]

Chris Hardwick: Welcome to Nerdist Podcast! This is episode number... one thousand eight hundred and seventy three...

[Various podcasts playing. Everyone screams.]

Farnsworth: Noooo, it's unbearable! We'll go mad, like this! [demented laugh]

Bender: [almost forgetting his line] Oh, also, my mom never heard me on the podcast!

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: Wow. There's a lot happening. And on top of everything else, let's not forget Leela is still furious at Fry over that inconsiderate nude 3-D sculpture. They just haven't mentioned it for a while. And now, a word from Klacch the Avenger's Borax Flakes: The flake that sterilised Lake Erie.

[Country music.]

Borax Kid: Folks, if yer like me, ya never much liked Lake Erie anyway. I reckon they oughta give Klacch the Avenger a medal instead'a tryin' him fer war crimes. So buy a box of Klacch's Borax Flakes today and help fund Klacch's daring prison break.

Transition Announcer: Futurama is also brought to you by...

[Cue the theme song again.]

Transition Announcer: ...Futurama!

Farnsworth: Dear God! That's an infinite loop! The universe will be destroyed!

Zoidberg: No! It's a mobile game now! I heard about it because I'm important.

Terry: Experience the world of tomorrow today in Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow! Explore planets oozing with adventure! Play the Futurama characters you know and love! Or kill them! That's fun, too! Even create your own New New York and boss it around with your finger! Download now for free on the App Store and Google Play!

Transition Announcer: Friends, Futurama is also proud to welcome a new sponsor tonight. Here he is now: The Robot with No Name!

[The Robot with No Name walks in slowly]

The Robot with No Name: Uh, hello. Buy my products or services? [nervously] Why was I built? S-S-Someone help me! [blubbers]

[He walks out.]

Transition Announcer: We now return to our podcast, where newscasters Morbo and Linda were about to report on Klaxxon, the podcast alien blasting billions of podcasts at—

[Static.]

Morbo: We interrupt this podcast with an important podcast!

Linda: Which podcast are we interrupting?

Morbo: ALL OF THEM! The people of Earth are going mad tonight! Their brains ravaged by 58 billion simultaneous podcasts!

Linda: Reports are coming in of respected anchorwomen exhibiting symptoms of audio madness! As they BEAT THEIR COHOSTS WITH A MICROPHONE!

Morbo: Stop that! You're deflating my head!

Linda: [laughs]

Transition Announcer: Back at Planet Express, the Professor was cobbling together an invention, using nothing but electronic and mechanical components of every conceivable shape and size!

[Door opens.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

Fry: Again?

Farnsworth: I've invented a way to block out the sound with podcast-canceling earplugs! Here, shove these in.

Fry: [grunts]

Farnsworth: Not there! In your ears!

Fry: Oh, okay. I need another pair.

Transition Announcer: As the crew members inserted their earplugs, they were finally freed from the unbearable drone of the alien.

[Waxy noises. The frequency stops. Everyone sighs with relief.]

Scruffy: Phew!

Amy: Ah! That's better. But wait, how can we hear each other?

Farnsworth: We can't!

Amy: Got it.

Farnsworth: However, we can still communicate, because the earplugs convert words into text that appears directly on your retina.

Hermes: I see that! But how do we know who's speakin'?

Farnsworth: Well, different fonts, of course.

Leela: Ah. So who's using that scary font with the weird letter "I"?

Klaxxon: IT IS I!!!

[Everyone cowers.]

Klaxxon: You refuse to listen to my delightfully eccentric podcasts, and now you will pay the price!

Bender: Fine! I'll pay any amount to not hear a podcast!

Klaxxon: For, you see, there is one loudspeaker so powerful that no amount of orifice plugging can protect you! And that speaker is... the entire Earth!

[Everyone gasps.]

Leela: Wa-wa-wait, hold on, Scruffy. You're gasping in the same font as Amy.

Scruffy: Oops. Sorry. Scruffy'll use italics from this point on.

Klaxxon: Did you know that sound travels even faster through solids than through air?

Amy: [scoffs] Everyone knows that.

Zoidberg: Quiet, Scruffy! Let him speak!

Amy: I'm not Scruffy! I only used italics for emphasis!

Klaxxon: I shall travel deep underground and use the planet's magnetic core as a speaker of immense power! And as you are forced to hear every word of every podcast, your city shall be reduced to rubble and your skeletons to dust.

Bender: I don't like that part about the podcasts.

Klaxxon: Farewell. The next time we meet, your eardrums will be erupting in a spray of liquid brains. [evil laughter]

[Rumbling and electricity crackling.]

Hermes: Sweet Dover sole of the Bikini Atoll! He's headin' underground, like a green snake in a mole hole!

Fry: Wow, you're firing on all cylinders, Hermes!

Hermes: Yah, but we're doomed!

Amy: Dooooomed!

Bender: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONED!!!!!!

Transition Announcer: With mere hours until worldwide destruction, Earth President Nixon conferred with his top general, Zapp Brannigan.

Nixon: What're our chances, Brannigan?

Zapp: Pretty good, if we get in this escape pod and fly to a distant galaxy. Perhaps one with as many as eleven women for every nine men.

Nixon: Haroo!

Kif: But, sir, Earth will be defenseless if we leave!

Zapp: "We?" I don't remember inviting you, Kif! To the pod!

[Pod door opens and takes off.]

Kif: [sighs]

Transition Announcer: Back at Planet Express, a last, desperate plan was taking shape.

[Dramatic sting.]

Farnsworth: Quickly! Hand me my cleanest, whitest lab coat!

Zoidberg: Here! Pick one of these two. What the Professor doesn't know is that one coat was washed with Klacch's Borax Flakes and the other with a cheaper competitor.

Farnsworth: I'll take this one!

Zoidberg: He picked Klacch's, I assume!

Farnsworth: Here's the plan! We'll put the drill cone on the ship, tunnel underground, and intercept Klaxxon before he can reach the core!

Leela: But he has no visible form. So we'll need to track him by sound.

Farnsworth: Exactly! And we won't be able to hear over the noise of the drill. So you'll have to remain behind sealed in this seismic isolation tank.

[Door creaks open.]

Leela: It looks like an electric coffin filled with Vaseline.

Farnsworth: From in the tank, you'll be able to monitor the creature's every movement. Then you'll transmit guidance to us over this ham radio.

Leela: Seriously? I don't wanna do any of those things.

Farnsworth: Get in! Move it!

[Squishing sounds.]

Leela: Ooh! It actually feels kinda nice.

Fry: Looks lonely, though. You want company in that Vaseline?

Leela: I told you we're done, Fry! Every time I think of your 3-D sculpture, I get a one-eyed headache! Just leave me in my electric coffin!

[Door slowly closes.]

Hermes: Everybody, on board, quick!

Bender: But my mom's dyin' in an hour! And I need to be with her! [sniffs] Y'know, to stop her from changin' her will!

Farnsworth: [sarcastically] Oh, boo hoo! If you love her so much, bring her with us!

Transition Announcer: Once Bender had crated his mother up and hoisted her into the cargo hold, the Planet Express Ship began its perilous descent, drilling down through the Earth's crust.

[Rumbling.]

Hermes: Depth five hundred feet! Depth six hundred feet! We're at sub-limbo depth!

Fry: Incoming transmission from Leela!

[Static.]

Leela (on radio): I'm hearing Klaxxon change direction. Adjust course to bearing 184 mark 6!

Fry: Roger that! Master joystick to 184 mark 6!

[Rumbling.]

Farnsworth: When we overtake the creature, we'll detonate a compression bomb and blast it down to the size of a walnut! Then we'll trap it forever in this Diamondium walnut shell.

Zoidberg: Ooh, fancy. I can't even afford a regular walnut shell. I haven't eaten in weeks.

[Static.]

Leela (on radio): Coffin to ship! Coffin to ship! The creature's making a sharp turn to the south!

Fry: All steering wheels to south!

[Rumbling. Sirens.]

Leela (on radio): Now it's heading inward! Now downward! Now down by downwest! IT'S GOING INTO ALL DIRECTIONS AT ONCE!! I can't picture what's happening!

Farnsworth: You've got to! If Klaxxon starts podcasting, the world will crumble like a stale meatloaf!

Zoidberg: Awwww, if I had a stale meatloaf, I could die happy.

Transition Announcer: Off in the corner, Bender made a confession to his dying mother.

Bender: Mommy… I'm scared!

Transition Announcer: As Bender's ass chattered nervously, his mother reached out and gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder with her vice-like gripper.

[Whirring.]

Bender: Ow!! What the heck?!?

Farnsworth: Which way, Leela?! There's no time to spare!

Leela (on radio): [frantically] I don't know! The sound pattern is so complex, I can't wrap my brain around it!

[Thunder. Podcasts.]

Amy: Oh no! It's Klaxxon! The Earth is starting to vibrate!

Klaxxon: Hear the self-imported blathering of 58 billion podcasters and die!

[Everyone screams.]

Transition Announcer: As the planet shook, the people of New New York flew into a panic.

[Everyone screams.]

Transition Announcer: In Caracas, Nairobi and Amarillo, the reaction was similar.

[Same scream sound from before.]

Transition Announcer: While in Tokyo, people responded more calmly, accustomed as they were to periodic Godzillings.

[Same scream sound from before.]

Transition Announcer: At Planet Express, the power failed.

[Power goes down.]

Transition Announcer: And Leela was left in total sensory deprivation, trapped in the pitch-black confines of her electric coffin.

Leela: Leela to Fry... Come in, Fry... Hello... Anybody? Oh, God. I'm gonna die alone in a tub of Vaseline, just like that carnival psychic said!

Transition Announcer: Cut off from the world, Leela's frantic mind scrambled for memories to hang onto. But to her dismay, all she could think of was Fry's 3-D sculpture.

Leela: I don't wanna think about that! It has too many dimensions! And not enough clothes!

Transition Announcer: As Leela strained not to think about the sculpture, she suddenly experienced an epiphany.

Leela: Jinkies!!!

Transition Announcer: In the blink of her one eye, Leela had a realisation so profound that even I, a professional narrator, cannot express it in words you would understand, much less enjoy. But if you think that'll stop me, you don't know Don Cunningham, the true hero of this story! For at that moment, in her mind's eye, or should I say "mind's eyes", Leela suddenly perceived the sculpture from two angles at once. And for the first time, the sculpture's elegant 3-D nude form became apparent to her.

Leela: I can't believe it! I'm seeing Fry in three dimensions. Until now, he always just looked like a cartoon character.

Transition Announcer: Then, about as suddenly as before, Leela experienced another very similar epiphany.

Leela: Wait a second! I can also visualise the 3-D geometry of Klaxxon's sound waves! I understand where he is! But with the radio out, I have no way of contacting the ship!

Transition Announcer: It was then that Leela experienced a third, essentially identical epiphany. But even as I strove valiantly to describe it, all hell was breaking loose thousands of miles below ground!

[Sirens, alarms and panic.]

Klaxxon: Are you enjoying my ten million simultaneous discussions of embroidery?

Zoidberg: Yes. It's the destruction of the entire world I don't like!

Fry: Everybody shut up, Zoidberg! I'm getting a transmission from Leela!

Farnsworth: Impossible! All systems have failed! Including my bowels!

Fry: Impossible or not, I can hear her!

Leela's voice: Fry, I'm focusing the sound of my voice by yelling along multiple 3-D paths at once! It was an epiphany I just had!

Bender: Keep it down, Leela! I'm reconciling with my dying mother over here!

Leela's voice: If anyone can hear me, Klaxxon's coordinates are 274, mark 32 east, negative 51.7...

[Podcasts drown her out.]

Hermes: Jah damn it! She was drowned out by the embroidery podcasts before she could finish!

Fry: No! I heard every word! I could hear Leela's voice across time and space, and whatever else kinda stuff there is.

Amy: Aw, Fry, you're so sweet and stupid.

Fry: I'm taking us to Klaxxon's coordinates now! Prepare the compression bomb!

Scruffy: I'm on it.

Farnsworth: Well, get off it!

Scruffy: Sorry.

[Device engages.]

Transition Announcer: As the tension built to a crescendo, Fry commenced the dramatic countdown.

Fry: Nine hundred and ninety-nine, nine hundred and ninety-eight—

Farnsworth: I'm setting it off!

[BOOM!!!]

Klaxxon: [screams] W-W-What's happening?! I'm being compressed into an audio singularity! I'm infinitely an insignificant podcast about nothing!

[Compression sounds.]

Amy: Oh, so like a regular podcast?

Farnsworth: Quickly, Bender! Squeeze the Diamondium shell around him!

Bender: [grunts] Tryin'… But I can't… quite… bend it closed!

Farnsworth: I said squeeze, not bend!

Bender: Are you crazy?! What do I look like, a squeezer?!

[Whirring.]

Bender: [gasps] Wait a second, my mom's a squeezer! She put me through college working in the Juicero Juice Factory!

Amy: You can do it, Mrs. Rodriguez! Squeeze the shell closed! Work that wrinkly old gripper!

[Whirring continues.]

Hermes: She's squeezin' it in there! Go, mama, go!

Klaxxon: [yells] You haven't heard the last of me! I've got podcasts so tedious, they make embroidery look like Star Wars! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[He's squeezed. Everyone cheers.]

Bender: You did it, Mom! Give me a hug!

[Whirring and cracking.]

Bender: Ow! Son of a—

[Birds chirping.]

Transition Announcer: Thus, Klaxxon's nefarious plan was foiled. And although most of the world lay in ruins, the living did not quite envy the dead. Gradually, the crew worked their way back to the surface, and convened at Plant Express to find Leela awaiting them.

[Ding dong! Door opens.]
[Music.]

Leela: I guess you heard me down there, Fry.

Fry: Leela, when you speak to me, I don't hear anything else in the world. And listen, I want to apologise again for that—

Leela: No. I want to thank you. You gave me that 3-D sculpture because you don't think of me in terms of my limitations. And that's what let me overcome them.

[Smooching sound.]

Leela: Uh, Zoidberg, when you're done kissing Fry, I'd like a turn.

Zoidberg: It may be a while. [kissing sounds]

Leela: Everybody, come to the front door. I have something to show you.

[Foot shuffling sounds and crew acting curious.]

Leela: In honour of Fry, I had his sculpture returned and mounted right here, above the main entrance, where the whole world can admire it!

Scruffy: It's gettin' quite a bit of admiration already. Yup.

[People gasp.]

Hattie: I can see his kajigger!

Preacherbot: If the good Lord in His wisdom gave Fry a kajigger, the least we could do is stare at it!

Hedonismbot: Ooh, I must have a replica made from the finest chocolate! The kind that melts ever so slightly when you admire it in the Roman manner.

Hyperchicken: Ah say ah say BACAWK!!!

Transition Announcer: Meanwhile, back inside, Bender's mother had taken a turn for the worst.

[Whirring.]

Bender: What's she sayin'?

Amy: She says goodbye. She's just sorry she never got to hear you on All My Circuits.

Bender: Oh, Mommy! [sobs] Mommy! [continues sobbing]

[Knock knock knock! Door opens.]

Calculon: Mind if I enter dramatically?

Bender: [gasps] Calculon! I'm your biggest fan!

Calculon: Bender, I raced over in my chauffeured mansion as soon as I heard your mother was dying! I'm here to comfort her in any way that keeps me the center of attention.

[Whirring.]

Amy: Calculon, she wants to know if you can do that scene with Bender that she never got to hear.

Calculon: Hmm. I'm not sure. How much time does she have left?

Hermes: Forty-three seconds.

Calculon: I'll have to leave out most of my dramatic pauses, but okay. Aaaaaaaaand... [dramatic pause] action!

Amy: Remember what was happening, Mrs. Rodriguez? This is where Calculon's estranged son returned to visit him on his deathbed.

[Door opens.]

Bender: Father!

Calculon: Antonio! You... [dramatic pause] came!

Bender: I'm so sorry I haven't been around much, Mom— I mean Dad, but before you go into that long power-down... [sniffles] there's something I need to tell you.

Amy: Oop! Never mind, Bender, she just died.

Bender: What?!? Before I made my big speech?!? Why'd you have to pause so much, Calculon?! It's your fault she never got to hear how much I loved her! She died thinkin' I was ashamed that she was just a robot arm! But she was more than that! Much more! And you can bite her shiny metal gearbox, because she saved all of you! That's how great she was! And I'm not ashamed to say it now that she's dead! But she'll never get to hear any of that! [sobs]

Bender's mother: I heard all of it.

[Everyone gasps.]

Bender: Mom? Why do you sound like Klaxxon when you can't even talk? And you're also dead?

Bender's mother: It's simple, really. When I squeezed the Diamondium shell, I was too weak to seal it completely. Klaxxon oozed out. And before I could stop him, he penetrated my case.

Bender: Ew! Mom, gross!!

Bender's mother: For the first time in my life, I had a voice and he had a body. And now, we are one.

Bender: Wai-wai-wait, you're shackin' up? And you're the shack?

Bender's mother: Thanks to the influx of Klaxxon's life energy, I'm looking forward to many more happy years. Bender, my dearest hope is that you and I and Klaxxon can get to know each other. As a family.

Bender: But Klaxxon's a supervillain. Are you sayin' my dad's a supervillain?

Bender's mother: Not really.

Bender: 'Cause it sounds like you're sayin' he's a supervillain.

Bender's mother: No!!! That's not at all what I wa—

Bender: Wooo! My dad's a supervillain! Let's par-tay!

[Party music. Everyone celebrates.]

Bender: Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

Transition Announcer: And so, Bender and the Planet Express crew partied late into the night, leaving their bright white uniforms heavily stained. And can you guess how they got those uniforms cleaned? With the new Futurama game, Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow! Download it now for free, wherever you download apps and stuff. This is Don Cunningham saying, [to the tune of the theme song] Bum bum, bumbum, bum... babum bum!

This Futurama audio podcast starred:
Billy West
Katey Sagal
John DiMaggio
Maurice LaMarche
Tress MacNeille
Phil LaMarr
Lauren Tom
David Herman
and special guest star:
Chris Hardwick

Futurama was created by
Matt Groening
and developed by
Matt Groening
&
David X. Cohen

This podcast was written by
David X. Cohen
Ken Keeler
&
Patric M. Verrone
and produced by
David X. Cohen

The editor was
Paul D. Calder
and the recording engineer was
Carlos Sotolongo

Futurama is a production of
20th Century Fox Television
in association with
The Curiosity Company

And this podcast was produced in conjunction with
TinyCo: a division of Jam City

Special thanks to
Mike Sandwick
Andrew N. Green
James Boyle
Suli Ali
Chris deWolfe
and
Chris Hardwick

Copyright © 2017 by 20th Century Fox Film Corporation.
All rights reserved.

The characters in this audio production are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons or events is unintentional.

Bender: Oh! And also, don't forget to play Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow! Get it now for free on the App Store and Google Play! I said get it, meatbag!

[Thunder. Hypnotoad sound.]

Transition Announcer: You... will... play...